


I ain't no angel, I never was

by StandingInTheWayOfTheLight



Category: 100 - Fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-03-29 01:08:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 66,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3876649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StandingInTheWayOfTheLight/pseuds/StandingInTheWayOfTheLight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why? Why was I feeling again all these emotions? I had pledged not to let feelings dull my choices, my path. I had made the right choice, I had done what must have been done, and I had saved my people. Then, why do I feel like I have lost everything? </p>
<p>Post 2x15 but it follows all that happened in 2x16</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All you had to do was stay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is my first fanfic; waiting for the confirmation of Lexa for Season 3, I thought about an idea that I ended up developing. I will write it mainly from Lexa's POV, but I will change sometimes to Clarke's and maybe other characters.  
> It starts following the end of 2x15 but all that happened in 2x16 didn't change so Clarke and Bellamy eliminated Mount Weather and she left Camp Jaha.
> 
> English is not my first language, so feel free to comment any mistakes to help me improve :)  
> (You are also free to comment about the story)
> 
> Updates are expected once a week.

Why? Why was I feeling again all these emotions? I had pledged not to let feelings dull my choices, my path. I had made the right choice, I had done what must have been done, and I had saved my people. Then, why do I feel like I have lost everything? It doesn’t make sense, the ones trapped in cages were now safe and sound, and the Mountain men promised never bother us again, I have accomplished my duty as Heda, I have saved so many souls tonight but the weight of the souls I have left behind was suffocating me. Don’t lie to yourself there is just one soul you care about.

"I do care Clarke, but I made this choice with my head and not my heart"

As I was remembering that moment, I realised it, I discovered the reason I was feeling so much sorrow; maybe I have done the right thing as Heda, but as Lexa, I have committed the worst action. I had finally found peace after Costia, I felt like someone understood me once again, like I had not have to make all the hard decisions alone anymore. And I have destroyed all for good.

No sooner had I reached camp and entered my tent than I collided my fists with the first solid object I found. I kept hitting it until arms grabbed my shoulders and put me away from the post.

-Em Pleni Heda! (Enough, Commander!)

-Indra... Leave me alone, now.

-I can't do that Commander, you did the right thing, we have our people back, you must not punish yourself for running away, and none of us will see you as a coward but as our saviour.

So she thinks that all of this is because of our retreat, that was so bitterly funny.  
As she saw me and my change of expression, she realised.

-I can't believe all of this is caused by that stupid Sky girl! I should have killed her the moment she entered our tent!

I couldn't hold myself anymore so I shoved her arms from me and pushed her to the exit.

-Shof op Indra (Shut up, Indra!), get out of my tent!

She gave me one last look of disapproval and went out.  
I just fell to the ground and put my knees up and my arms around them covering my face as flashes of all that happened in this place invaded me. When Clarke defended Octavia’s loyalty, when she told her that she cared about Gustus and was still haunted by Costia. How a person who has known me for days can read me so easily, how could she see through my walls which I have spent so long building up...? And afterwards, the kiss and how scared I was when Clarke pulled away; It wasn't planned, I didn't even think that Clarke would reciprocated the kiss, although it was just for a brief moment. But when Clarke said "not yet" a little flame of hope lit up inside me, a flame I wish I have never stoked.  
I wouldn't cry, I couldn't afford to be weak, not now.  
I flinched as I hold my hands and I took off my gloves, I found my knuckles injured.  
I sighed as I stood up and went out of the tent searching for Nyko but something caught my attention, I saw Lincoln, loosed. He froze and glared at me, his eyes were begging me to let him go, I nodded my head and he started running. I should be doing the same thing...  
I shook my head I continue my path to Nyko's tent. When I entered, I found it empty and suddenly I remembered that Nyko was helping the people we saved. I changed my direction and went to the tent where they were healing.

-Commander

-Nyko, how are they?

-Overall they are almost well, just tired from the blood lost and dehydration. Most important, some of them would like to go back to Polis where their families reside.

-I see, when will they be healthy enough to depart?

-Three or four days, but Heda, the Sky People will probably break our Alliance, it is wise to leave camp?

I noticed how Nyko wasn’t blaming me but I knew he was lying. 

-Nyko, you must not lie to me, Ron ai ridiyo op. (speak true)

-Forgive me, Heda, what I meant was that we retreated and abandoned them so they will may want revenge and if you leave with some of our warrior to protect the ones going to Polis, the camp will be in danger now that most of the troops are going back to their clans too.

-Do not worry Nyko, I will see what I can do to ensure that, not only we reach Polis, but also stay safe in camp.

-Sha, Heda.(Yes, Commander)

-Moving to another topic, can you fix my knuckles?

Nyko looked at me, his eyes with a questioning look but no words were spoken. He nodded and took care of my hands.

As he finished, we said goodbye and I went back to my tent and lay down in my bed after I have taken off my armor. I closed my eyes but I couldn't find any sleep. Images of Clarke getting killed were the only things that plagued my mind. I needed to find somewhere to find a hint of peace so I stood up and exited my tent once more, I left camp and walked until I found the tree Anya and I used to climb when I finished my daily training. I climbed it until I reached the wood platform we built near the top and rested my back against the trunk. I always liked the views this place has and after some time I finally fell asleep.  
I woke up near afternoon and decided to go back to camp, surely Indra was looking for me already.  
As I expected while I was getting closer to my tent I saw Indra but I stopped dead in my tracks when the two figures accompanying her turned around. Octavia and Lincoln. In my camp. In front of my tent. Talking with Indra. Why.  
My body and mind didn’t react at all until I received the first kick. I felt a fist collided with the right side of my face and I walked backwards. My body, but not my mind, was ready for the next move and quickly dodged the second blow, my arms grabbed the enemy’s shoulder and my knee sunk in his/her stomach. Then I landed over the body and my mind decided to come back when my fist almost reached its target. I blinked and found out who were my aggressor.

-Octavia?

-You fucking bitch,*gasp* all of this is because of you, I’m going to end you!

While gasping, she didn’t stop struggling and I needed to use more force over her. My warriors began to approach with their swords drawn.

-Stop! Do not make another step any of you. Lincoln help me and control your partner.

-My apologies Heda.

With Lincoln’s support, we stood up. As adrenaline left my body, I tasted blood and reach my lip with my tongue to feel a cut in it. In the meantime Octavia had calmed a little. Nodding at Lincoln, he started to talk:

-We have come here looking for Clarke, after reaching Camp Jaha this morning, Clarke didn’t go in with the rest of our people, but we didn’t notice until Octavia began to suspect and after arguing with Bellamy, he told us that Clarke left because she couldn’t stand seeing her people and reminding what she had done to save them. We left camp immediately. We thought that maybe you knew something about her location.

Fear. All that I was feeling was fear. My breath got caught in my throat. Clarke was missing in the middle of the forest, alone; she was the perfect prey. Bellamy. Bellamy let her go although he knew about the dangers of these lands. Fear turn into anger as I spoke.

-Saddle my horse and two more for Lincoln and Octavia. Indra you are in charge until my return.

I began to walk to my tent in order to pick up my equipment when a group of warriors stood in my way. I wasn’t in the mood for this but what happened next, left me speechless.

-Heda, let us join your search. We owe her our freedom and it would be an honor to help her now.

I was expecting an argument, not this. Clarke had been able to gain the tri kru respect and my betrayal cut deeper in my skin.

-Very well, then it will be six horses.

We gathered everything and rode away from camp to find Clarke.  
We followed the track which probably was Clarke’s when all of a sudden, we heard howls and then a shot. We rode faster until we reached a forest clearing and we found Clarke being attacked by a wolf pack.

-Attack them!

As I shouted, most of the wolves left Clarke and started running toward us but Clarke run away in other direction followed by three beasts.

-Distract them while I go after Clarke!

I rode until I caught up Clarke, I was about to shout her name when a wolf collided against my horse sending me to the ground.  
I stood up quickly enough to dodge the wolf, I unsheathed my blade and sunk it in its chest. Wasting no time I followed another shot. I saw Clarke bringing down another wolf. The one remaining appeared behind her jumping into her.

-Clarke to the ground, now!

Clarke reacted just in time to avoid it claws and I swung my arm cutting deep into the wolf’s body. I reached for it and ended its life. Just as I turned panting to see if Clarke was safe, I faced a gun pointed at me and two blue orbs which do not reflect the wide sky anymore but broken ice piercing my soul.

-I trusted you, I made hard choices just because I believed in you, because I really thought that we deserved better, that we would save our people together.

Tears started travelling down her face, showing all the grief she had been carrying for too long as she kept talking:

-All you had to do was stay, I let you in because I thought you had changed, that you were no longer a heartless person the moment you said you did trust me. I trusted my heart like only fools do and I ended up losing my humanity causing a genocide!  
-Clarke I don’t know what happened but I needed to act like a leader. As I said the duty to my people will always come first. And I know that this will never be enough but I am sorry for everything. However you must understand what I did because we are both leaders and as leaders we must not hesitate when our people’s lives are in danger.

Clarke let a bitter laugh escape her lips, a hollow laugh meant only for people who no longer care about anything. And I was the reason why one of the shiniest stars which had reached this land had died. With mocked tone she answered me:

-Then I am going to act like the leader I am supposed to be once more, and I do care Commander, and I hope you understand that I am making this choice with my head and not my heart. Jus drein jus daun. (Blood must have blood)

I wasn’t aware when the bullet reached my chest nor when I fell to the ground and lost consciousness.


	2. Have you been broken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Chapter two is here. In this chapter there are two POV.  
> I used the lyrics of a song for a part, the song is Like I did, from Jamie Brown ^^  
> A lot of things happen, I hope I wrote it clear D:  
> Thank you for the kudos and bookmarks :)

**Clarke’s POV**

She just stood there, doing nothing. This situation made me believe I imagined all, that I didn’t pull the trigger, that I wasn’t a monster, that I still could be the good one. But then a single tear escaped her eyes as she fell to her knees and to the ground hitting her head.

“Did that make you feel better?”

Lexa’s words echoed in my head. I lost my strength, I dropped the gun which fell to the ground. I was a monster, I have become what I had fought. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking.

-Clarke! What happened? Lincoln and I heard a shot so we followed as soon as we finished with that wolves, which, side note, were huge! Did Lexa find you or haven’t you saw her…

Octavia’s face turned pale.

-No no no no Clarke, what have you done?

I stopped shaking and crying and faced Octavia.

-I shot her, because she left our people to die, because justice must be dispensed just as she did with Finn.

I answered in a cold voice, I was no longer feeling anything. I couldn’t, it was easier not to feel, so much easier.

-No Clarke! What Lexa did is not the same. I really hate her, I really do but Lexa did it to save her people not moved by some kind of internal rage. The grounders will not see this the same way you do, they will massacre all of us, Clarke stop acting following blindly your damn feelings!

-Then don’t make me do more choices! Go on Octavia! Go back in time and decide all the thing I had to decide! Feel the blame while you sink a knife into one of the few people you have really cared about or fight a lost war against an army you can’t defeat and watch how all the people who fought and made sacrifices to reach earth die for nothing. And then choose between letting a missile end the life of hundreds of innocents or risk your brother’s life, your friend’s lives and the whole plan to defeat Mount Weather. Let yourself think that we deserve better, let someone in again so then that same person betrays you or accept that feelings are useless and live an empty life. And at the end, pull a ladder which caused a genocide or let the Mount men murder all your people. Oh, most important of all, take the responsibility and weight of these actions so none of the people you care about have to do it.

-That’s not what I meant I just…

I cut her.

-Then what Octavia? Are you hunted for all those souls? Are you sure that you understand all that I have done so you can judge me and tell my when should I follow my feelings blindly or not?

-Both of you, this ends right now. This is not the time, we need to help the Commander immediately. 

I didn’t think I could react so quickly to Lincoln’s words. A moment ago I was paralyzed and now I was removing Lexas armour in order to analyse the wound. Blood was dripping from the bullet wound located in the upper part of her chest. The bullet hole was in her left side, quite a distance from the heart, so it couldn’t have reached the heart. However I couldn’t bear out where the bullet was and how much damage it had caused.

-The bullet has not touch her heart but I can’t see the state of her lung or ribs. 

-Then we must undress her upper body.

-It is not wise, if a rib is broken the movement can cause more damage and she also hit her head.

-But we need to know how serious it is!

-Ugh! Okay seat her carefully. 

As Lincoln and Octavia moved Lexa a gasp escaped her lips. I noticed she has breathing in a laboured way but luckily no blood was emerging from her lips.  
When the only thing left was the bandages around her breasts, Lincoln leaned her again as Octavia used her knees to rest Lexa’s head.  
I saw her scars, too many scars for a girl who was what, maybe two or three years older than me? I shook my head, this wasn’t the right moment to focus on that. Tearing up some of her clothes I ordered Lincoln to push it in the wound. I examined her torso, it was swollen. I palpated carefully around the bullet wound, as I touched one of her ribs, Lexa groaned. Sighing nervously I started talking. 

-One of her ribs is fractured, maybe it stopped the bullet, in the worst case the bullet punctured her lung but no blood is emerging from her lips so I want to think we are in the first situation. Her heads injury is not too deep but we should keep an eye on it. We need to immobilise her rib as best as we can and take her somewhere she can be treated. 

-Mount Weather. It is nearly half an hour by horse from here. Some of our people were going to return there to start taking care of the bodies and search for valuable equipment and technology.

Octavia’s words tensed me but I knew I mustn’t hesitate. I could save her life, at least, I could amend this mistake. I realised I didn’t want another soul tormenting me. It was so selfish, I found it ironic, I just had shot her, she was dying, and I wanted to save her because I didn’t want to be responsible of another murder.

\- Well then, we should find Lexas horse and departure.

The three grounders left behind reached us taking with them her horse. Their faces turned to pure rage when they saw their Heda but we didn't have time for this.

-Return to camp and inform Indra that the Commander is wounded and we are going to Mount Weather to treat her. No one must know anything about this apart from Indra. Is all clear? I'll explain everything when Indra arrives there.

-Yes, Clarke from the sky people.

Well that was incredible easy.

-They respect you as a Leader.

Lincoln told me as he imagined my surprise.

-A terrible one, actually, but let’s keep going. I need something to immobilise her rib, bandages could serve.

-I got some in my bag, wait.

Lincoln reached his horse and took some objects.

-Here, the bandages, and this will help with her hemorrhage.

He lend me a jar with a yellow cream inside. I opened it and started applying it on her head, then in her chest and finally, after seating her again, I started covering tightly her torso, her back and her left shoulder with the bandages. Lexa in the meantime groaned again.

-Clarke, why are three of you?

I jolted and looked at Lexa’s face. She was staring at me, blinking, trying to focus her eyes.

-Lexa! Do not move, your rib is broken and you have a bullet inside your chest, do you understand me?

-Yes, I think… Clarkes.

Octavia couldn’t stop herself from chuckling.

-Okay… you must hit the ground a little hard. There are no Clarkes, just one Clarke. Now we are going to help you stand up. You have to control your breathing, breath as relaxed as you can.

She was awake, she was going to be fine. I could not bear one more life behind my back, especially not hers. As we lifted her from the ground and starting walking to her horse she flinched.

-Follow my voice Lexa, inhale… exhale. Okay, once more…

Surprisingly, Lexa didn’t try to fight my commands, she followed my orders. We reached the horse and instinctively, it lay down so Lexa could climb easily. 

-Clarke, you should go with her, keep her from moving as much as possible. We will guide your horse through the wood.

I turned and watched Lexa, all her muscles tensed, trying to keep herself from falling. And then I noticed her tattoo. It covered all her back. Two flaming forms wandered both sides and in the middle strange ink symbols followed her backbone.

-So?

-Oh, yes, yes, we will do that.

I climbed behind Lexa and grabbed one hand around the saddle and the other one around Lexa’s abdomen. This made her tense even more until she heard my voice and relaxed a bit.

-Okay, this is going to hurt, I will try to keep you still but we are going to ride a horse so that is a little bit difficult. Just focus on something and remember to breathe calmly. 

-I’ll do what I can.

We started our way to Mount Weather, at the beginning, Lexa showed an incredible self-control over the pain but as time passed, I felt her body started sweating and trembling as her breathing began going faster. I hold her closer.

-Clarke... I know that you didn’t come to the Earth for this. But this is not the Ark. And your people chose you to lead them because even if you do not believe it, you are a strong woman who have achieve many things; scarifying so many others. And you probably think you are a monster but you are not. You follow your feelings and I never thought that feelings could provide us such strength. But you let your demons take control of your actions and you need to realise that demons are leading you through a path which is only causing you sorrow. Use your head Clarke to guide your feelings because feelings without control can be devastating. 

I couldn’t understand her, she was in pain because of me, for god sake I tried to murder her! But she was giving me advices with not a hint of hate or rancour in her voice. Instead all I felt in her voice was understanding. And it wasn’t helping. I had lost my way the moment I decided to incinerate 300 people. But she was telling me that I was a strong woman, if only she knew how broken I was... My demons were far too big. Would I be able to feel again not guilty? Would I be capable to feel alive someday?  
As I was deep in thoughts I felt my arm getting wet, startled I look over Lexa and I stared horrified how blood was dripping trough the bandages and was going down Lexas body. Her head started falling as she tried desperately to keep her eyes open.

-Lexa! Lexa do not fall asleep! Lexa please... 

I started sobbing, my heart aching. Why did I shoot her?  
“Because you hate her, because of her you murder hundreds of people, because she betrayed you, because she lied to you.”  
No! If I had the same chance I would have taken it! My mother was right there is no such thing as good people. None of us is innocent but we must do the best we can.

-Lincoln we need to hurry, she is losing too much blood!

The horses started going faster, Lexa already unconscious. I raised my hand and pushed it against her wound and broken rib trying to keep the blood from flowing and the rib still.  
We reached Mount Weather after ten agonizing minutes.

-Do not shoot! Clarke! What are you doing here?

I heard Marcus with some soldiers walking toward us while we dismounted.

-Marcus! Is there any medics here? Lexa… I mean the Commander is injured and she need to be operated right now.

-Jackson is here supervising the medical rooms inside Mount Weather, I’ll guide you where he is.

Lincoln carried Lexa until we reached our destination. Jackson was there, inspecting the medical equipment. Hearing footsteps, he turned around and as soon as he saw us, he started to look for things.

-Put her on that bed, what happened?

-I shot her, the bullet fractured one rib, however I don’t think her lung is punctured but I don’t know where the bullet is.

Silence filled the room, both Marcus and Jackson looking at me worried, but they knew questions would be answered later.

-We need to locate the bullet and extract it so we can stitch the wound. I’ll need a donor, she has lost a lot of blood and we have no blood bags here.

-I’ll do it, I’m O-.

-But Clarke, I need you to assist me…

-We will help you, doctor.

Two soldiers entered the room.

-Jake, Rachel, I’m glad you are here. Okay, then we can start as soon as I have all prepared.

**Lexa’s POV**

-Costia, what are you doing here?

-The question should be, what are YOU doing here. You don’t belong here, not yet.

-Wait, what do you mean? Here? Where is here? Wait why am I seeing you and speaking to you? You are supposed to be…

-Dead, yes, now stop the formalities and give me a hug.

What was happening? Just a moment ago I was speaking with Clarke, and now I was in front of a smiling Costia. Was I dead too? Maybe this was for the better, maybe I deserve dead, after all many people had died because of me, Costia, Anya, Gustus, those 300 warriors, the innocents from TonDC; and I had betrayed Clarke and forced her to fall apart…

-Oh no, Lexa, you are not doing this to yourself, blaming yourself? That’s all? You are just giving up? You were born to resist, to lead, you were trained for fight, for keep going and never surrender. You have united all the clans, you saved your people…

-No I didn’t! I just gave up and betrayed my alliance and trusted the mountain men when I didn’t even know if they will keep their word. We were in an Alliance with Clarke’s people, we were supposed to be the same… Can’t you see it? She believed in me, she believed that I was there to help her, to protect her and her people and all I did was to break another soul just like I did to you…

-Lexa stop right there, you know what happened to me wasn’t your fault. I told you, remember? I told you that I chose you with all the consequences, I knew what may could happen but I don’t regret anything and if I was given a chance to go back in time, I would do the same.

I fell to my knees and cover my face with my head as I cried. It is said that when you cry for something, you really don’t cry because of that reason, but because of all the things you did not shed tears. All the anguish, all those years repressing my feelings exploded in this moment. I felt arms around me.

-I need you Costia, I need you so desperately, but you are not here anymore, no matter how hard I wish you were beside me, no matter if that is the only I ask for, I know that you will never come back.

Costia then moved one of her hands and rested it in my chest, near my heart.

-But don’t you see it, silly? I’m right here with you, I was always right beside you, I will always live through you. But you built walls and I couldn’t past them. When I thought that you were lost forever, she came along, and she brought out something I haven’t seen in so long.

Costia lifted my chin so I was now looking at her shiny eyes.

-She lights you up like I did, she makes you fight like I did, and she makes you love like I did, even though you don’t want to admit it. And as much as it hurts me not to have you anymore, you must come back and help her.

She always knew what to say and how to act to help me, and I realised what a fool I was for believing that feelings were weakness, feelings can hurt you and make you fall but they also give you the strength to stand up again.

-But my people will not understand, they think that if I show some kind of emotion, if I don’t follow our rules and traditions, I would not be worthy enough to guide them.

-You are wrong Lexa, they have a strong bond with you and they will follow you whatever path you choose, but you can’t feel it yet because you haven’t tried. Don’t you ever forget, do not confuse mercy for weakness.

-Mochof, my beloved.

With a last hug, I let Costia go and after a lightning, everything went white.

 

As soon as I opened my eyes, I wished I hadn’t return. My entire body was aching but I focused enough my mind to know what to do.

-Clarke.

-Heda! You are awake. You, go and find the doctor!

I knew that voice, Indra? But I didn’t care about Indra, right now there was someone more important.

-Clarke, where is Clarke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :3  
> Feel free to comment anything you want.


	3. When the world gets cold, I'll be your cover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! Another chapter, this one has more deep thoughts, some angst, fluff and someone singing ;)
> 
> I forgot to mention before that every chapters' titles come from lyrics sooo I'm putting them here :)
> 
> Chapter 1- All you had to do was stay; Taylor Swift.
> 
> Chapter 2- All you never say; Birdy.
> 
> Chapter 3- Ghostown; Madonna.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos!

I tried to stand up, but I was stopped by Indra who kept me from moving. I started to get angry but I used all myself control as I spoke

\- Indra... Tell me where is Clarke and guide me there.

-I'm sorry Heda but until the doctor come, you are not allowed to move. I know you want justice but Sky People are keeping Clarke under custody and threaten us by not helping you if we try to hurt her Sky Princess. When you are healthy enough, we will require Clarke and she will have to face death by our tradition for she tried to kill you.

\- Indra you are mistaken, I wish no retribution for what Clarke did.

-Heda you can't allow this, she shot you, she shot the leader of all the 12 clans, she deserves to die. You cannot show weakness for a pity girl. I knew from the beginning that she will poison your mind. You are just a puppet!

The way Indra was talking ended my remaining control. While we were talking she had moved so I stood up panting because of the pain and grab Indra by her upper armour.

\- You understand nothing Indra! Absolutely nothing! I betrayed Clarke and don't you dare to try to justify it. So she was in her right of reclaiming my life for such a dishonour. But then she changed her mind and she has saved me.

\- I would understand if the sky people were members of our clans but they are just invaders, they don't have any right over us!

-Invaders? They are the reason why Mount Weather is no longer a threat, they are the reason why we can return the reapers to their families! Think about it Indra and maybe your mind will stop being so closed.

\- I see the Commander is awake and full of energy, May I ask what the problem is.

I turned my head and saw Abby and a man beside her. Abby was looking at me sternly but I knew too well to read people's faces and I noticed she was looking at me afraid. Probably she was afraid of me finally awaking, of me taking away her daughter, of me exterminating all of them. I tried to put aside the constant pain of my chest as I spoke.

\- I wish to know where Clarke is in order to see her. There are a lot of things that must be discussed.

\- Things that can surely wait, Commander, you almost died, if it wasn't for Jackson here, who operated you in Mount Weather, and Clarke, who gave you her blood, you would not be here with us right now. You were stable enough to move you to Camp Jaha just two days ago. As one of your doctors, I can't let you do physical effort for at least two weeks and you should not move until two days.

\- What do you mean Clarke gave me her blood? Is she going to die?

Very well Lexa, that wasn't supposed to sound so alarmed. You are losing your authority and power the more you speak so shut up.

\- No Commander- answered Abby amused by the tone of my voice. One look and she changed her expression. - Jackson practised a transfusion and some of her blood was transferred to your body.

I looked at her and then at Indra who shared my shocking expression. I thought about how the mountain men used our blood too. If the sky people were as advanced as Mount Weather, they could be a powerful ally or a dangerous enemy.

\- Well, Abby from the Sky People, I understand that you are a doctor but I am a leader, and I can listen or not to your advices, right now, I am going to see Clarke with or without your help.

After some seconds of tense glares, Abby sighed and spoke:

\- Echo, can you please show the Commander the way to Clarke's room?

-Of course Abby, Heda this way.

Echo turned as she signalled to the door.

This girl... I had seen this girl before but where... After a brief moment, I realised she was one of the people we saved, she was from the Ice Nation if I recall correctly. But if she was a grounder, why was she here? And more important, why was she taking orders from Abby Griffin?

Clarke, right, Clarke was the person she needed to focus at the moment.

I followed corridor after corridor, turning left and right and then left again and... Ugh I hate this place.

-I am glad you are finally awake, Heda. I never had the chance to express my gratitude for saving me.

-You don't need to thank me for anything, it was my duty as the leader of the twelve clans.

I answered her coldly. I didn't trust her, she was from the ice nation. I knew it wasn't fair but my trust was something I did not give easily.

As we were walking, I saw two people with guns guarding a door. When we got close enough, I recognized one of them. Bellamy. My body filled with rage. Bellamy, on the other hand, lit up when he saw us. Well, not when he saw us but when he saw Echo. Suddenly everything started to make sense, Echo probably volunteered to come here with Indra to see Bellamy. They probably got closer since Bellamy stayed inside Mount Weather to help our and his people to escape. And I assumed Abby also discovered their bond. While I was thinking, Bellamy looked at me and all his body tensed, he raised his gun slightly probably by instinct.

-Commander, is good to see you are finally awake.

-Surely you are full with joy, Bellamy from the Sky People.

Bellamy looked at me wide eyes. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people I dislike and my sarcasm decided to show up in rare occasions and this was one of them.

\- I want to speak with Clarke.

\- I've got orders, no one can enter this room without Abby's permission.

\- Don't worry Bellamy, Abby sent us.

He looked at me, analysing me, I followed his eyes and for the first time since I woke up I saw what I was wearing. A simple white tank top and black shorts. They make me feel more exposed, more vulnerable. I hardened my face in order to look more intimidating despite my clothes.

-Okay, you can pass then.

Just when I was going to open the door, Bellamy grabbed my shoulder. I was ready for the worst but Bellamy started speaking again.

\- I wanted to thank you, for protecting Clarke, I shouldn't have let her go alone. I understand also, that you did the best thing for your people and I would do the same. But, Commander, I beg you, do not take Clarke's life.

I looked into his eyes and all I saw was care and concern. Something awoke in my chest, jealous. I had no reasons to feel that way. It was not like Clarke and I were in a relationship. She even said she wasn't ready, and after my betrayal, that little flame was extinct. Definitely I wasn't jealous, it couldn't be. Putting aside my feelings, I nodded in understanding.

\- You must not worry about Clarke's life, I wish no harm to her, I only seek to talk with her, to help her for I had been in the place she is trapped.

No more words were spoken and I finally entered the room.

I couldn't believe what I saw. The room was filled with pictures, the wall and floor with paintings. All of them black and red, this room only transmitted pain, anguish and despair. Standing next to the door, my heart ached for Clarke who was sit in her bed looking at the wall.

I reached the bed and sit next to her. I was going to start speaking when I felt arms around my waist and a body pushed against my chest. I flinched and gasped as Clarke face buried next my wound but I did no pulled away. I needed to make things right and that involved helping Clarke with all my will. She started to sob and tremble, her grip becoming stronger. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't prepared for something like this. I had been hiding my feelings for so long that I couldn't even help Clarke to deal with hers. I was feeling so useless...

Then I remembered when Costia told me my mother had died in battle. She was the first person I lost but Costia was there to save me. With that memory in mind, I cleared my throat and hugged her back. Afterwards I started singing.

_\- Come stop your crying_

_It will be alright_

_Just take my hand_

_Hold it tight_

_I will protect you_

_From all around you_

_I will be here_

_Don't you cry_

I felt she relaxing a little and she raised her head to look at me. Her watery eyes finally focusing. She whispered my name but I hugged her closer again and continued the song.

_-For one so small,_

_You seem so strong_

_My arms will hold you,_

_Keep you safe and warm_

_This bond between us_

_Can't be broken_

_I will be here_

_Don't you cry._

When I finished Costia's song, we were lying in Clarke's bed. I was facing the ceiling, Clarke was lying on her left side, and her arms were kept around my waist.

-When I lost Costia, all I could feel was rage, and all that moved me was blood thirst. I ended caught up in an ambush, I lost two hundred of my men and almost my life.

I moved my hand to my abdomen where my scar resided. Clarke followed my motion and rested one of her hands on top of mine.

-That moment made me rethought. I was losing myself, I was putting my people in danger and all just because I wanted revenge. I didn't even want to follow our tradition, I just wanted the Ice Queen's head. Then I blamed the warriors that were supposed to protect her and then I blamed myself for her dead. In the end I realised that putting the blame on someone wasn't going to bring her back; that following my rage was only going to cause more pain. So I decided the best for my people, I closed my heart, I kept my feelings in the darkest and deepest place of my soul. I just dispensed justice following the law, never following my feelings.

I paused to gather my thoughts and Clarke raised her face again. The blue ocean trying to reach the green forest.

-Clarke, I understand everything you are suffering, but I also know you will get past through it. Not tomorrow or in a week or even in months. But I believe we are not only born to fall, time after time, but also to stand up and keep going forward. I thought we were left alone to face the falls but, thank to you, I remembered we need people to lean on as Costia was one for me long time ago. You must find those people although I think you found them already. I hope you let me be one of them someday, when I've earned your forgiveness.

\- Thank you Lexa, for everything… and I am sorry for...

-You should rest now Clarke. We can talk when you have rested.

I tried to stand up but the panicked look in Clarke eyes made me stop.

-Please... Don't leave me, don't leave me alone tonight...

I hesitated, I should come back to the infirmary and I shouldn't spend the night in Clarke's room, people would start speaking about it. However, no matter how many excuses I come up with, the look in Clarke eyes swept them away.

-As you wish, Clarke from the Sky People.

She leaned again against my chest and closed her eyes. After some minutes I heard her breathe stead. Tiredness started to affect me too and after some time I fell asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> The song Lexa sang is You'll be in my heart from Phil Collins ;)


	4. The one that got away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once more! Here is the new chapter, a little late (I hate classes and I hate finals). I feel so contradicted with myself, I love happiness and fluff and all those things and I hate sadness and anguish but I love them too sooo this chapter is a mixture :3
> 
> Title from Katy Perry, the one that got away.
> 
>  
> 
> Go read!

I woke up when I heard people talking in the distance. I tried to move but all my body ached, I should have listened to Abby's advice... I felt the empty space where Clarke was before and I found myself missing it. Wrong Lexa, you are doing everything so wrong, don't get attached to her like this, you hurt her, you are just here to help her, nothing more.

"She makes you love like I did, even though you don't want to admit it."

Who was I trying to fool? I couldn't fool myself... I cared about Clarke Griffin. I have fallen in love again even though I swore never do it again. All because of the small blonde standing some metres from me speaking with someone behind the door.

-No mom, she didn't try to hurt me, actually she helped me. She is here in the bed...

Clarke stopped talking to hear what her mother's answer.

-What? Why would you even think that? God... I have been trying to sleep for days and last night has been the first night I slept without nightmares and she didn't do anything like rape me, I had been alone with her more than once and never had happened anything, I can't figure out how you reached that conclusion. I'm sure she is totally sore, you shouldn't have let her move yesterday.

Again silence. I didn't know what rape mean, I should ask Clarke later.

-Don't worry, I'll check on her wounds, you just give me the equipment. Then we will come back to the infirmary, see you later.

I looked around the room, a canvas was set in the middle of the room. Little lines cover the surface but I couldn't figure out the whole picture.

-Oh, you are awake. How are you doing?

Clarke closed the door and sit in the opposite side of the bed.

-I am fine, you don't have to worry about my wellbeing...

-Sure Commander, would you mind then to stand up?

She knew I was in pain so she was daring me. She was a wicked one. My pride wanted to try and, as always, I followed it wish. The moment I try to straighten, I regret it.

I closed my eyes and greeted my teeth. Stupid metal thing that decided to get into my body. How such a tiny thing could cause such pain... I was so irritated I had the urge to punch something. I breathed trying to calm myself. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

-I was joking, okay? Stop trying to stand up, you'll open your stitches.

I stopped moving and looked at her. I saw her looking at me, undecided, her eyes showing an internal fight.

-Well I need you to...em...put your tank top off so I can treat your wound.

-Oh yes, can you... Help me with it? I am a little bit sore actually...

All this conversation was being so awkward. Clarke swallowed and move to sit next to me. Slowly she reached my shoulders and carefully helped me to sit down. I used all my power to stop the groan that tried to escape my lips. Clarke stopped and moved to the metal box her mother gave her. She caught a syringe and started to get close to me. My face went pale.

-Clarke what, what are you trying to do? Keep that thing away from me!

-Lexa is only a painkiller, please trust me...

\- Okay, but if something happens to me, my spirit and all the grounders will murder you.

I answered looking coldly at her. I must stay as the Commander even though Clarke's presence made it so extremely difficult.

-Yes yes yes grumpy cat, come on let me take your arm... Done, see? It wasn't so difficult. Now raise your arms and let's get rid of the tank top.

I stayed still, looking at her. She seemed happy, but I knew she was broken, just trying to escape from it by trying to hold onto the present without thinking about the past. I sighed and raised my arms painfully, Clarke then took my shirt off. I followed her eyes as they analysed my body. Her hand moved to my abdomen scar, resting her fingers on it. I couldn't help the shiver that went across my body, at the same time, she removed her hand as if she was touching fire.  
She coughed and focused in my chest wound. She started removed the gauze and then took some tins; she opened some of them and began to apply them in the wound. The more she applied, the more it stung, I reached the conclusion she was doing it on purpose...

\- Okay, I think we are finished with the first injury. It will hurt for some time but that means the medicaments are doing their job.

I repressed a smile, the way she talked when she is in doctor mode was so cute... wait no, amusing, yes amusing.  
She stared at my body again. What things could she be thinking of?

\- Lexa... How old are you?

She immediately, put her hands in her mouth and looked at me wide eye.

-Did I just say that aloud? I didn't want to ask you, I am sorry, I just-

-21, I am 21 years old.

-Okay... Sorry again.

\- You don't need to apologise, Clarke, there is nothing wrong with asking others age; at least not in Grounder culture.

-Oh, right, I will keep that in mind. Well let's keep with the treatment.

She put another gauze and my shirt on. Then she moved my head at apply some kind of cream in my wounded head. Finally, when she was going to gather up everything, she looked at my knuckles.

-Wow, you must had beaten someone very hard...

-It wasn't someone...it was a post.

-And why did you beat a post, did it glared at you?

-No it didn't, posts don't have eyes.

Clarke looked at me completely lost.

-What? Lexa it is a joke… you don't have to take the meaning literally…

-Hum... I don't find it funny, a post having eyes is not funny, is in any case, strange.

-I can't deal with this right now, I mean, I knew you and your people were different but this- she said shaking her arms- is unbelievable.

-Can you explain to me what is unbelievable? Your arms are pointing at nothingness.

This is the moment I thought Clarke had lost it, she started laughing while I looked at her completely puzzled.

-You've got to be kidding me, I can't wait to tell everyone about this conversation…

I saw how her expression changed, all joy far away from her. This change of attitude must be related with what happened in Mount Weather, My curiosity kept growing but I knew this wasn't the right moment to talk about it.

I understood the topic was over so I stared at the ceiling while she finished cleaning everything.

I remembered I had to ask Clarke about that word so I stood up, feeling much better, Sky People's medicine was something really impressive.

-Clarke, it was not my intention but I heard your conversation with your mother and I was wondering… what does rape mean? By the way you pronounced it, it should be a bad thing but I assured your mother I wasn't going to hurt you… again.

Clarke tensed even more, looking at everything but me.

-Rape is… is to force a person to have sex against her or his will.

I was totally shocked, why on earth would I violate Clarke?! I should have some words with Abby later.

\- In the unlikely event of me wanted to violate you, would I do it in the camp, me being injured and soldiers awaiting outside?

-Of course not Lexa! For God sake, I never thought you or your people could do something like that to my people, but my mother is… you know, my mother is my mother and as many Ark people, she thinks you are savages. I'm really sorry if she offended you and your people.

She answered sighing while she put her hand over her forehead.

-She just has been through a lot of things, she is trying to get over it like most of us and she is dealing with it in her own way.

-Talking about that, my main objective was to find you and talk about what happened, but mostly about our Alliance, I know I broke it the moment I abandoned you but I do not wish any conflict between our people. I want to talk about another Alliance, an Alliance I would try not to break this time. I understand if you are not ready yet, and for this reason I will order my people not to attack the Camp nor your people. You must know, I will do my best to ensure it.

-Even if I request you to face a trial? Would you follow the resolution, even if it is death penalty?

I took a deep breath.

-If that is the price I must pay to make amends, then so be it. But I did the right thing.

-Then why did you let all that people die in TonDC Lexa? We could have saved them!

-Because it could have compromised the entire mission. On the other hand, making an alliance with the mountain men would free my people for good.

-I see, then the right choice is to make an alliance with people who had been murdering your people for years, to believe in their word, that they would not chase you after they had killed us.

-As the Commander, yes, it was the right choice.

-There is where your mistake resides, you may be the Commander, but I assure you, no one, listen to me, no one is wisely and powerful enough to decide what is right and what is wrong. I realised life is not black or white, we are surrounded by a whole scale of greys. The sooner you realise this Lexa, the sooner you will start to think that you can live instead of survive.

Her words made me think, think about so many choices in my life, so many situations, so many things that could have been changed. I shook my head, no, I must lead my people, knowing full well what is wrong and what is right.

-As much as I would like to share your point of view, my belief is opposite from yours; I can't allowed myself the benefit of the doubt.

-If you can't even try to understand that you may be wrong, don't expect much from me Lexa, because maybe I will never be able to forgive you, even less to make a new Alliance with you.

I went out of the room and closed the door, Bellamy turned his head and looked at me.

-Do you want to go back to the infirmary?

-Actually, I would rather prefer to go outside, I need some fresh air.

-Okay then, follow me.

As we started to walk, my mind rushed to the night when everything happened. The more I moved away from Clarke, the more I felt I was losing everything again…


	5. Turn night into day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Finally I am almost done with my studies so I wil be posting more often ^^
> 
> The title is from Standing in the way of the light by Bidry
> 
> Enjoy it :3

After having a heavy discussion with the guards of Camp Jaha, they finally let me go outside.  
I started walking alone trying not to go too far from the camp. As I was walking I started to feel dizzy, so I needed to sit down. I exhaled deeply and tried to focus my eyes. Suddenly the air felt really cold, I guessed I was having a fever.  
-Commander?! What are you doing here? You look like shit. Wait here I will come back in a minute.  
Someone was talking to me but who?  
I closed my eyes to stop the world from spinning around.  
When I opened them, Octavia was sat next to me. Lincoln was standing some meters away from us, watching over.  
-Lincoln she opened her eyes! Commander, can you hear me? You scared us, more important what were you doing in the woods alone? You are injured, you should be resting not here...  
-Stop speaking Octavia, you are making me feel dizzy again. I just wanted some fresh air after speaking with Clarke.  
Why was I telling her? I am the Commander, I do not have to give explanation to anybody. Maybe the painkillers were the reason...  
-So the talk didn’t go well...  
-Everything was going fine until I mention the alliance, then she started talking about what is right and wrong. She told me life is not just black and white, and I don’t understand. Then she told me, she maybe will never forgive me. I care about her, I know I am not the best person in the world, but I never meant to hurt her, I just did what have to be done. I guess I can’t stand seeing her and face the reality that the bond we forged is teared apart.  
Octavia looked at me, her eyes showing understanding.  
-Let’s be honest. When you left Clarke, did you feel you did the right thing? And don’t start with the Commander duty. I don’t buy that shit.  
-I don’t know Octavia...When I left Clarke I felt I have lost everything, even though I saved my people. I know very well how difficult is to trust someone.... Clarke trusted me and I disappointed her.  
Then I realised, what Clarke meant when she said there is no such things as right and wrong. I remembered Gustus, he thought he was doing the right thing because he thought the alliance would hurt me. I remembered when Clarke killed Finn to save him from suffering instead of killing me, because she thought that was the best thing but Raven thought otherwise.  
You act thinking you made the right choice but the consequences of those actions could be totally wrong for other people. I began to see those grey tones Clarke spoke about. 

\- Now I understand, Octavia, decisions in life are not black or white, you need to mix them, and you need to make grey decisions. And because of this, you can’t decide only with your heart or head, you need to mix them as well. Is unbelievable how much power you have.  
I looked at Octavia, the hint of a smile in my face.  
-What do you mean? Which power?  
-You, Sky people, have the power to wreck all my beliefs. You have taught me more than all I have learnt during my life. You are moved by trust, by feelings, from the conviction that is worth to fight for people you trust even if those people hurt you. You believe in redemption. You believe in second chances, something we have never accepted before. I have been taught to lead my people wisely, but which kind of Commander I am if I can’t see my mistakes and find ways to improve.  
-Know I understand what Kane meant when he said you were a visionary. I want to start again our relationship Commander. I thought you were no worth my trust but now I see, you acted with no bad intentions, and though you hurt us I want to forge a friendship with you.  
She raised her arm and we shake hands.  
-Clarke will forgive you Commander, she taught us to believe in second chances, you just need to give her time. She has the weight of so many decisions in her heart in such a little time.  
-You must help her Heda, even if she doesn’t want your help, she needs it. She is stuck in an eternal dark night and you are, probably, the only person capable of give her back the break of day.  
I looked at Lincoln and nodded. I had betrayed them but they still believed in me. Maybe Clarke would believe in me again too...  
-Well Lexa, let’s go back to the infirmary. In the meantime, when did you realised you have a crush on Clarke?  
Lincoln's face went pale while Octavia looked at me totally amused.  
-Crush? I didn’t collide with Clarke, at least not that I remember. More important you called me Lexa.  
Octavia burst out laughing. Lincoln on the other side was sweating and looked very nervous. I was confused to say the least.  
-I thought… Lincoln was the only one who took things literally, but now… I see is a grounder thing.  
I barely understood her because she couldn’t stop laughing.  
-Well then, Octavia explain to me.  
Octavia stopped laughing immediately. She looked at me trying to find the words.  
-Well you know… when you… you know someone and then… then you know…  
-No Octavia, I don’t know that’s why I am asking you, stop saying incoherent words and speak clearly.  
-Right… when you have a crush on someone it means that you like someone, romantically.  
I stared at her, shocked. Was I so easily to read? This was totally wrong, if Octavia, who barely knew me, has realised I had feelings for Clarke, my own people would find it too. Deny it, deny it right now.  
-I just care about her, I do not have feelings for her.  
I answered her as stoic as possible.  
-Oh come on Lexa, you are irradiating sexual tension every time you get next to her.  
A look and Octavia rethought her words.  
-I mean, you look at her with those heart eyes, wait… you are not aware of your glares, are you?   
-I am not aware because there are not glares…  
-Really? Stop lying to yourself, Lexa I really think you have feelings for her, don’t say it is impossible, I knew Lincoln was special for me the moment I saw him.  
-The moment you saw me you hit me Octavia…  
-Shh! I meant after that… I see you look at her the same way I look at Lincoln; of course, at the beginning, I hated it because you were a raging bi… bad person but now… just listen to me, okay? Both of you have suffered a lot but even in this unfair world, you deserve better, you deserve a second chance. Clarke is now trying to put the blame on someone and she knows she is directing her rage to the wrong person, but maybe she is putting in on you because she knows you would accept it and that will make her feel better.  
I sighed, it was so strange to saw Octavia acting so nice to me but somehow it felt right, Sky People were incredibly reliable.  
-I guess you are right Octavia, but I am so...-do not say the word, do not say it- afraid…  
Perfect.  
This time Lincoln got closer to me and putting her hand over my shoulder, started to speak.  
-You are one of the strongest people I have ever met, Heda. You know why?  
I shook my head.  
-Because you overcome all the difficulties, all your fears, and you have an unusual skill, patience. Clarke needs that.  
He smiled at me, and I nodded at him, a little smile growing in my lips.  
-Eh! Lincoln is mine stop looking at him like that!  
We laughed and continued walking back.  
Lincoln told us he wanted to go to the Grounder Camp to help Nyko so I told them they were welcomed again in my clan. Lincoln decide to depart immediately so when we reached Camp Jaha, he went to get all ready.  
-So, do you want to go back to the infirmary or do you want to find Clarke?  
\- I prefer to go find Clarke rather than go back to the infirmary, I don’t like that place…  
-Well, she will probably be in the dining room, come on.  
After turning some corridors, again, we reached the dining room, voices could be here across the doors.  
-Before we enter, I guess you already know but some people think you are anything but good so get ready for some unpleasant situations.  
-Don’t worry Octavia, people blinded by hate do things opposite to their personality, I had gone through it.  
She nodded and open the doors. The whole room fell silent, so many eyes on me, it fell extremely uncomfortable but I was already used to it.  
Some of them stood up and started to get dangerously close to me, they cornered me and pushed Octavia away from me.  
-Look who is here, the one and only Commander of the twelve clans, the same who left us to die, the Coward Commander fits you better, don’t you think so?  
I just stared at the boy in silence, arguing when you know it is not going to solve anything is a futile action.  
-Jasper stop this right now, the Commander did the right thing, not the best for every one of us, but the best for her and her people. You would have done the same if they were your people.  
\- Shut up Octavia, finally we can face the Commander. It is a pity Clarke didn’t kill you.  
I laughed at Raven, I couldn’t help it, I was so fed up of people hiding behind others to keep them from acting by themselves.  
-I expected those words from you, and you didn’t disappointed me, Raven from the Sky People.  
\- Oh yes? And why?  
\- Because, if Clarke would have killed me, she would have assumed another burden for you. It must be so easy to live behind other people, people who decide for you, people who take the blame, the weight of all the actions so you can leave without remorse.  
Raven and Jasper lost it and tossed their bodies in my direction. Abby would be angry but I needed to evade them so I took a defensive attitude. However it didn’t take so long until my whole body gave up I received a kick in my stomach and fell to the ground leaning on my knees.  
I was prepared for another hit when…  
-Enough! I thought we had talked this already and everything was clear, but I guess I must repeat myself. You are not allowed to lay a hand on the Commander or her people.  
I looked up and saw Clarke, who looked exhausted, offering her hand to help me. I reached it and stood up gasping.   
-We are leaving right now, I hope you will realised that you just acted like beasts, think about it.  
Never losing her grip, she guided me through the Ark until reached the infirmary, we entered and she pointed to the bed. She finally let go of my hand and I sat. Carefully she took my tank top off and check if all was in order. Later she put it on and looked at me.  
-I am sorry, they acted in the worst way possible, I told them they should-  
-I am the one who is sorry Clarke, I didn’t understand what you were saying when we argued, but after some talk I understood what you meant. I am so sorry Clarke because you trusted me and I disappointed you when that was the very last thing I wished to do. I am sorry because I learnt that I must choose not only with my head but with my heart too late. And the thing I most regret is that I left you alone, I left you to face something too big for anybody, I left even though I know the pain of feeling alone.  
I looked at my hands while tears fell from my eyes. Once again I hurt the person I love and I wasn’t brave enough to look at Clarke because I knew I couldn’t stand her stare.  
Instead of words, all I heard was the bed when Clarke sat by my side and grabbed me by my waist.  
-There is still a way to make it right Lexa -she whispered to me- We will find the strength, this time.  
All I managed to do was hug her back.


	6. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi, I love panthers, do you like panthers? I hope so!
> 
> Title from Maybe by Birdy
> 
> Enjoy and thanks again for reading it!

**Clarke's POV**

We were hugging, she was crying, she just had let her feelings show, what the hell?!

We had been arguing just some hours ago and now she was here telling me everything she felt, everything she had been thinking and most important, she said she was sorry. But sorry for what? Sorry for choosing her people over mine, just like I did when I pulled the label. I had been such an idiot I just wanted to punch myself, Lexa wasn't guilty, she wasn't the one that kidnaped people to drain them off, she wasn't the one who murdered my friends because of their cord, she wasn't the one who declined my offer of peace instead of radiate all the level.

I hugged her tighter, her head resting in my chest as I stroke her messy braids with my hand.

I didn't know what to say, she was just a girl who holds the weight of an entire united nation, I had to take care of 100 people. I focused on myself while I put the blame on the only person who could understand me.

-Lexa… look at me.

She didn't move.

-Lexa, please… I forgive you, I understand you chose the better option for your people, but you must understand that we were in an alliance, I trusted you and you betrayed me and my people; and, while I know you do care and you didn't wanted to leave us, most of my people see you as the enemy. We need to be careful, okay? We can fix this but I need you to promise me that you will never hide things from me that you will talk to me in the bad situations, I don't know if I could bear if you leave that way again.

-I can't promise something I don't know if I am going to be able to accomplish. But I promise I will try, I hope that is good enough for you, Clarke.

She finally looked at me, her eyes showing an insecurity and fear I thought they would never reflect. I smiled at her and answered.

-It's good enough, Lexa. We can talk about our situation and the alliance once you are recovered, okay?

-Agreed, Clarke… thank you, for understanding it…

-Thank you for trusting me enough to open up.

Lexa shivered, I put my hand on her forehead, it was burning. Lexa overexerted herself and now she was suffering the consequences. And, in some way, I was responsible of it. I couldn't just leave her here.

-I was going to my dorm to paint when Octavia found me and told me to come and help you, so if you want to, we can come back to my dorm, you rest while I paint, what do you say?

-Your mother won't like that Clarke, I am meant to stay in the infirmary.

-Well it is only 6PM and I'm not going to leave you here alone while you have a fever. So you can choose between going willingly or being taken.

Lexa chuckled. Wait, Lexa just chuckled; I stared at her trying to find out if it was real or I just imagined it. Today has been full of surprises. First night I could sleep without nightmares, Lexa showing me her vulnerability, and now Lexa chuckling.

I couldn't help to smile; I stood up and offered my hand. Lexa reached out and hold my hand. As soon as she stood up too, she staggered so I assisted her until she felt steady enough to begin walking.

Not long after we reached my dorm, Bellamy and Echo were speaking lively. I have notice how they interact when they are close, I knew they had developed a bond while Bellamy was inside Mount Weather and I was happy for them. I coughed to draw their attention and they immediately stepped aside.

Bellamy was the first one who spoke

\- Hi Clarke, Commander.

-I am glad you two are alright, I heard there was a "fight" in the dining room and I was afraid something could have happened to you- Echo said.

\- Don't worry, we are fine Echo.

I answered her and looked again at Bellamy.

\- Lexa and I are going to stay at my dorm, if my mother asks for her, tell her she is here, okay?

\- Understood, do you need guards at your door?

I didn't know if what he said had a double meaning, but his expression made all very clear. Why everybody associate Lexa and me with... Sex? My mother with the stupid idea about rape, Bellamy now and I have heard Octavia more than once talking about sexual tension and our looks. Ugh now I was feeling so fucking nervous! I hit Bellamy and opened the door without answering him. Lexa looked confused but followed me and closed the door.

\- You should rest on my bed, I'll give you some medicaments for your fever.

I retrieved some tablets and gave them to Lexa with a bottle of water.

\- Swallow them and you will start to feel better soon.

Lexa took them and lay in my bed. It was such an inexplicable image. She looked so dizzy, so vulnerable and so... cute.

\- Wake me up if anything happens, Clarke.

\- Okay, rest well.

She closed her eyes and I turned to watch at the canvas. I turned again looking at Lexa, and then again at the canvas. I was drawing the first river we saw but I couldn't avoid to change it for another one and started to draw Lexa.

**Lexa's POV**

I woke up when it was getting dark, my first thought was to fall asleep once more but something called my attention. It was me, well a sketch of me. I had never thought I could look like that, so peaceful… A question appeared on my mind, where was Clarke? I looked around the room and found the door half-opened. I got closer and heard Clarke speaking.

-What do you mean when you say there are grounders with a black panther at the entry of the Camp?!

It couldn't be, I needed to get to them now! I exited the dorm in a rush and collide with Clarke's back.

-Ouch! Lexa why on earth are you running? This is Monty by the way, he was telling me something about some grounders and a black panther, I think he is high or something because a black panther, really? That's totally impossible you know, nobody goes with a black panther like it is a puppy…

I interrupted her.

-Actually Clarke, I would like to go there, if you don't mind.

Both of them looked at me completely shocked. None of them reacting to my words.

-Well?

Monty was the one who reacted first.

-Yes, of course, please follow me.

As we started to walk, Clarke came back down to earth and followed us.

In spite of being a little dark already, I could recognise the people outside the metal doors.

-Clarke, could you please let them in? I know them, they are not dangerous people.

Clarke hesitated but ended nodding at me and then shouted to the guards.

-Let them come in, there is no danger.

Abby looked at her daughter and then at me and after some seconds she agreed.

As soon as the doors were opened, the black panther started running towards me. A smile plastered on my face until I remembered that I was injured. Suddenly a shadow appeared in front of me. All I could see were blonde locks falling to my right while the black panther fell on top of Clarke.

Abby and the guards started to run toward us until they heard Clarke laughing.

-Stop, stop, stop licking me you evil beast!

Clarke laughing carefree was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life. Ugh, stop being so cheesy and take care of this situation, there is a black panther on top of Clarke.

\- Sheidgeda, enough.

The black panther stopped and stood up, she walked beside me and sat down while I pet her. Clarke stood up too and looked at me completely lost.

-Wait, is this panther yours?

She asked me open mouthed.

\- Yes Clarke, she is one of my best friends, her name is Sheidgeda, it means night.

Clarke now was more relaxed and drew her hand near Sheidgeda's nose. After a brief moment, Sheidgeda closed the distance between them and let Clarke pet her.

\- I think I will like this friend of yours a lot.

She answered smiling.

-Oh my god her fur is so soft!

Clarke hugged Sheidgeda and the panther started scrubbing against her.

\- She likes you too, she hardly gets close to people, you must be someone special Clarke.

Her eyes flashed to me, surprised because of my words. I didn't think I said the last part aloud. I looked away and saw a boy coming to me, my face lit up.

-Sis! _(Sister)_

He shouted while he hugged me. I smiled at him.

\- Hei, bro. _(Hello, brother)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found all the words in Trigedasleng in a dictionary, I hope they are right D:
> 
> See you!


	7. Safe and Sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7: Safe and sound
> 
> New chapter! I really loved Maleficent sooo I decided to call Lexa's brother Diaval, cause he is such an amazing character :)
> 
> As always the title is from Safe and sound by Taylor Swift.

-What are you doing here, Diaval?

I stared at my brother, concerned.

-Indra sent a messenger explaining the end of the war but also your situation, when I knew you were badly injured, I came here as soon as I could.

-How many people know about this?

-Only me and Kira, she only shared your victory with the Council, not your encounter with death.

I saw Clarke moving from Sheidgeda to my side, her face showing shock once more.

-Wait, is he your brother? But his hair is almost white and... Oh my god he has heterochromia!

Both my brother and I looked at each other and then at Clarke, understanding nothing about that last word.

-Oh you don't know the meaning of that word, okay... It is a term used when people have different colours in their eyes. Yours are truly amazing. Green and violet.

Clarke answered our questioning looks smiling.

-You just said my eyes are amazing.

My brother looked at Clarke, perplexed.

-Yes, there is something wrong with it?

-Our culture treats mutations as a nonhuman being. For decades, people born with them are exiled, for they are not humans. However, for me, they have a spirit just as anyone else; I have been trying to change people's minds since I became the Commander.

Clarke listened to me and then asked me.

-But your brother, why is he here with you? Is not that I don't like him, but he should be exiled too, doesn't he?

-In one of our visits to the desert people, we found a massacred village, the only one survivor was Diaval; he was 12 years old at the time. He told me he went to the village to steal when twenty warriors from the Ice Nation attacked the place. He was one of many abandoned kids but at least I had the opportunity to save him.

I stopped briefly while my brother hugged me, I started stroking his hair as I continued talking.

-Most of my people disagreed with my methods but I decided to guide them through the right path even if they couldn't see it. I faced ten attempts of murder but finally people started to realise that people who had suffered mutations are not enemies or propagators of diseases or bad omens.

When I finished, the Sky people were looking at me as if I was another person, actually they all looked shocked. On the other hand, Clarke was looking at me with such a kindness and adoration, I barely hold her gaze.

-That's such a great endeavour. I really hope you accomplish it, they have the same rights.

Clarke smiled at me and then at Diaval who was now playing with Sheidgeda. At some point Sheidgeda pulled Diaval's cape away and his arm was exposed. His arm was surrounded by scales, from his hand to his elbow. They weren't big but they definitely called the attention of everybody.

Everybody who had come to the entrance was silent until Monty appeared behind Clarke and knelt to look at Diaval's arm.

-No way! That is so cool! You are much cooler than your sister!

Suddenly all the tension disappeared and everyone continued with their tasks. Monty was rambling about something called comics, I had no idea what were comics but they seem pretty interesting for Diaval. Bellamy and Echo appeared too and started talking with Monty and Diaval.

Raven on the other hand had been drawn to Sheidgeda, who was now sniffing Raven. I gently elbowed Clarke and pointed to Raven. Clarke started to laugh while I looked amused at Raven. She discovered us and her face changed from one of curiosity to one of rage. Afterwards everything got even better, Sheidgeda stood on two legs and put all her weight on her. Raven managed to keep herself from falling but Sheidgeda was now licking all her face. Clarke clutched her stomach laughing even louder, making me chuckle. If anybody would have told me that someday I would be acting so carefree, I wouldn't have believed them.

Diaval came running and stopped in front of me and Clarke.

-Sis! Can I go with Monty? He wants to show me some comics! He said that in those comics, people like me are heroes!

I could see how excited he was, almost nobody ever said him that mutations could make heroes instead of villains.

-Of course you can, go and enjoy it.

He hugged me once more and went back with Monty.

Clarke rested her hand on my shoulder and started talking.

-You have just demonstrate all of us that you are not a bad person, I think you gave them reasons to see you in a different way, to see you as a good person.

I nodded while Abby walked toward us, my Commander facade being built up again while she approached. She cleared her throat and began to speak.

-Commander… I owe you an apology.

Clarke's mouth fell open, I blinked, was this really happening?

-And why do you have to apology, Abby from the Sky people?

-Because I thought you were a savage, a murderer, a soulless body but now I see we are not different, we both make hard choices trying to find the better option even though sometimes it is the most unfair one for others. I'm not implying that from now on everything will be alright between our people, rancour is not a concept which is easily forgiven.

-I understand, Abby, and I also accept your apologies.

After a few second thinking, I sighed and continued.

-I hope you could forgive me too, I betrayed your people and most of my time I think it was one of my biggest mistakes.

I tried to hide the pain while I gave a short look at Clarke who was looking deeply at me. I turned my gaze toward Abby. I really wanted to show no emotions but I was so tired, so tired of pretend, so tired of being strong, so tired of fighting. Abby seemed to see all of these and, closing the distance, she hugged me. At the beginning I stayed still, didn't know how to react until my arms decided to act and I hugged her back. After a moment, we separated and Abby answered me.

-I forgive you too, Commander. And Lexa, I would like you to know that while you are here, you don't have to pretend; I know you have a duty as a Commander but you also have the right as a person to act as you truly are and we will respect both sides.

We both smiled and shook hands, until Abby tightened her grip.

-Now that I remember, Lexa you should be resting, didn't I make it clear?

I started sweating, this woman was capable of transmit such a dangerous aura, I shivered.

Clarke came to recue me.

\- About that… mom, would you mind if Lexa stays in my bedroom? You know… she will be with someone familiar instead of being alone in a strange place and I can take care of her at the same time.

Clarke actually said that with puppy eyes, she was definitely not as innocent as I thought she was.

\- Ugh fine, but she needs to rest urgently. She almost died so don't distract her. You will be able to overwhelm her once she is fully recovered, understood?

-Yes ma'am.

Abby sighed and walked away. Clarke was about to say something when Raven interrupted us followed by Sheidgeda.

-You have a cool panther that's the only reason why I'm going to leave you in peace for the time being, bitch.

-Raven…

Clarke sighed and pulled my arm, indicating me to follow her. I didn't understand why she was leaving when Raven had just say a good thing; I guessed she was in a hurry to rest so I shouted to Raven.

-That's very nice of you, Raven from the Sky people, farewell bitch.

Raven looked at me, her face turning red of rage while Clarke pulled my arm harder. Sheidgeda followed us as we entered the Ark. No sooner had we been away from Raven's sight than Clarke started laughing again.

-Lexa! How could you do that!? Oh my God she is going to kill you the next time she sees you.

-What? I didn't do anything, I just thanked her and say goodbye using one of your nicknames, I have to say Sky people have such a weird nicknames, what does bitch stand for?

Clarke was now crying while I was completely lost, again. I was waiting for Clarke to stop laughing when Octavia appeared. Clarke started to tell Octavia what happened with Raven and now I was in the middle of a corridor with two women who had gone mad.

After some minutes they calmed so we resumed our way to Clarke's dorm after saying goodbye to Octavia.

Once we went inside, Sheidgeda started to investigate the room and sat down in front of Clarke's painting. Her head turning from the picture to me and vice versa.

-Yes Sheidgeda, that's me, Clarke was drawing it.

I stroked her head and she purred, Clarke on the contrary seemed nervous.

-Is not like I was stalking you when you were sleeping or anything like that. I just thought you know, you had such a peaceful look in your face that I wanted to translate it into a canvas. But it is just a sketch, I will discard it because you surely don't like it and I don't want to offend you…

-Clarke, breath, I would like to see it when it is finished.

I cut her and gave her an encouraging smile.

-Oh, okay, well then I will show it to you when I finish it, I guess. Whatever, it is five past nine, we should have dinner and then go to sleep, I can bring it from the dining room, if that's okay with you.

-That's a good idea, Clarke. I will wait here with Sheidgeda.

-Fine, I'm going to go then, be back in a moment.

-Yes, see you… don't be long.

I whispered just as Clarke exited the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	8. I don't want to fight the world alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! 
> 
> When things start to go well, they'll probably go down again... But it always gets better :)
> 
> Title from My heart by The pretty reckless ( I personally think this is such a perfect Clexa song D:)

While I was waiting for Clarke, I noticed my surroundings; all the painful paintings were now in a corner, facing the wall. Now that I had the time to investigate, I realised Clarke's room was really roomy. In the centre, there was the canvas, turning right from the door there was a couch, some chairs and a table beside another door, I supposed guide to the bathroom; turning left there were the bed, some shelves with painting tools and books; and just above the bed, a tiny window.  
I felt so tired, I dropped myself on the bed. I really wanted to wait for Clarke but the bed was so soft and so it was Sheidgeda who had cuddle up next to me; my eyes just closed without my permission.  
Just when I was about to subdue to my sleep, the door flew open, Clarke entered, dropping the food on the table and closing the door.  
I growled, I couldn't even stand by myself, pathetic.  
-Okay, let me help you... Don't look at me like that and let me grab you.  
I sighed but I yielded, her right arm going through my waist while I put my left arm around her head and then she grabbed my left hand to make everything easier. We totally forgot my wounds, but they gladly reminded me their existence when Clarke stood and a jolt of pain run from my chest to my left hand. Groaning, I finally managed to stand up, Clarke holding me, and we walked to sit on the couch.  
-Well, as you know, my people have been going back to Mount Weather and they have found an extraordinary huge warehouse where they have infinite food! Well no infinite but almost.  
I looked at her while she rambled about food. She saw my amused look and cleared her throat.  
-The case is, they managed to freeze every kind of food inside strange cages and the only thing you have to do is heat them up. These -she said, pointing to our plates- are called pasta, they have tomato and meat.  
I looked at the food, this could not be possible.  
-I do not trust this food, Clarke, I do not trust the method they used, and they probably used black arts or worse things.  
-Hahahahaha Lexa, please, it is only food, it is not going to murder you or curse you. Look I have eaten it before and I am fine, don't worry.  
-Well Clarke if you really think this food didn't affect you should go and see a healer...  
-Yo-you are such a bad person! Don't laugh at me!  
She elbowed me and I couldn't keep myself from chuckling. She smiled at me and the started eating. I was looking to my food, still not trusting it, when I heard Clarke moaning. My brain stopped working.  
-Hmm, this tastes incredible! Go on Lexa, try it.  
I hardly managed to focus my mind again on the food, stop acting like a teenager, she just moaned because of the food, is not a big deal.  
I decided to try it and the taste surprised me. I had never eaten something like this but I had to say, it actually tasted incredibly good.  
-Okay... If I perish, let my people know that the Great Commander of the twelve clans died eating poisoned food, but she died feeling completely filled and blissed.  
Clarke started laughing, Sheidgeda growled accompanying her. I must make her laugh more often, her laughter make the world easier, brighter, even if it is just for a moment.  
-I made up my mind, when you are recovered, I will keep secretly putting painkillers in your food so you keep showing this amazing side of you.  
-Which side?  
-Your true self, the Lexa who makes snarky comments, the Lexa who shows her feelings, your laughter.  
My breath got caught in my throat. Don't you dare to this to me, Clarke, don't give me hopes.  
-The problem is, the true Lexa is weak, is guided by dimwit feelings, she can't lead her people. The true Lexa cannot exist.  
Clarke looked at me, her eyes only showing pain. I knew it was cruel but she needed to see that she was requesting me to be someone I would never be able of being. But she didn't give up, of course she didn't, she was Clarke and she never gave up.  
-This is your problem Lexa, you think you can't feel because that will lead you to errors but I already told you! Life is not about black and white, what we do to survive do not define who we are!  
Clarke was angry, really angry, and her words were echoing in my mind. Why was she doing this to me, all these wouldn't be happening if I didn't let my feelings show, I never wanted to show my heart again, I messed all up... But the way she was looking at me, nothing but care and understanding could be seen in her eyes. It was so ironic, a cruel mockery, I came to help her but she was the one trying to help me instead. She wanted the real Lexa? I would show her the true Lexa and once she realised how pathetic I am, she will drop this.  
-Can't you see it Clarke? Are you so blind that you can't see it? There is no grey for me, never was and never will be. Every single time I try to feel, someone I love got hurt. Every single time I let my feelings show, I feel so much fear I can't even think straight. I don't want to face the world alone, but I have to, otherwise, the true Lexa will put everyone in danger. Because my fate is not to love, it is to lead and destroy every chance of feeling I have.  
It didn't work. Instead of walking away, Clarke got closer to me. She took on of my hand that was gripping the couch, I just shot my eyes closed.  
-Just tell me one thing Lexa, the time you spent with Costia, do you regret it?  
I shook my head, my time with Costia was one of my precious moments, one of the moments of my past that I cherish the most.  
-Okay, and do you regret to be yourself when you were with her? Do you regret to have loved her?  
I opened my eyes, of course I didn't regret it. I shook my head again.  
-Then please, don't regret to feel again because feelings can be overwhelming, I'm not going to negate you that, but they are also the reason we get stronger.

She paused, looking nervous. After a minute she kept talking.

-I know I rejected you, because I needed time; because I was afraid and I hurt you, but please, don't regret what you felt for me.

Her eyes watering as she closed them. I hold her hand tighter before I answered her.

-Never.

She opened her eyes, tears running through her face.

-I will never regret what I feel for you. And I will never allow myself to forget what you make me feel.

Her eyes opened even more, she knew, she noticed the way I spoke in present not in past. I felt so relieved after saying it, but now a feeling of fear was creeping from my heart. What if she didn't feel the same way as I do? I was going to say something when I felt it.

Trembling lips brushed mines. It was a bitter kiss, a kiss that mixed all our mistakes, all our despair, all our sadness; but it was also a kiss filled with understanding, with forgiveness, a kiss that made me feel I didn't need to fight the world alone. Our hands had moved, Clarke's was now resting in my neck while mine's was caressing her cheek.

Clarke was the first one who spoke.

-Will you forgive me for making you wait me?

I smiled at her.

-You don't need to apologise for that, Clarke.

We looked at each other and laughed, I was feeling so light. I got rid of such a huge weight and Clarke was right beside me, smiling at me after she had kissed me. I must be dreaming.

She seemed to notice my insecurity and kissed me once more, proving that this was definitely not a dream.

-We should end our dinner and rest, don't you think so, Lexa?

She asked me while licking her bottom lip and all I was able to do was blush.

-Y-yes, sure Clarke, let's finish this food.

She looked at me, with a devil smile plastered on her face.

-Did you just blush and stuttered, Commander?

-This evil side of yours scares me sometimes, Clarke.

-I was joking, don't worry, let's finish it.

We did as she told, surrounded by the soft growls of Sheidgeda and a comforting silence.

Diaval, came in and said he was staying with Monty and wished us goodnight. Sheidgeda licked my palm and Clarke's and went out with Diaval.

Some minutes passed and we stood up and walked to the bed.

I lay, facing the ceiling while Clarke, who had lay down before, cuddled with me, her arm resting on my waist and her head rested on the right side of my chest.

-Tomorrow, I will check your wounds and then you will take a bath, okay? Now rest.

-Are you inquiring that I smell, Clarke?

-Of course not! How could you think something like that?! Well maybe a little, but just this little -she said using two fingers and almost joining them- but it will do good to your body.

-I must follow then your advices, healer of the Sky people.

I answered her mockingly, she laughed and standing up a little, she kissed my lips one last time. I move my right arm to her waist and closed my eyes.

-Good night Lexa.

-Rest well, Clarke.

_Maybe, just maybe, I didn't have the duty to fight the world alone anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That went pretty well at the end, don't you think so :3?


	9. Home is where my heart is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update!
> 
> This chapter is full of different situations, some of them very pleasant and some others no so pleasant.
> 
> The title is from Home by Birdy
> 
> Enjoy it! (¬‿¬)

_-We are here to judge the Commander of the twelve clans for all her crimes._

_I found myself in the middle of a room, my hands and feet chained to a column. Kane was the one speaking._

_-She got Finn killed in order to make an alliance, an alliance she broke leaving our people to die._

_Indra was the next one who spoke._

_-In her first years as a Commander, she couldn't protect Costia, she leaded her warriors to an ambush and almost all of them died. She also killed Gustus and let the missile reach TonDC without warning her own people!_

_-And at the end, you betrayed me, you hurt someone once more; you made me cause a genocide, how is that the best choice Lexa? Answer me!_

_-Clarke please, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just needed to do the best thing for my people, I could not risk everything for you even if I wanted._

_-Such a pitiful excuse, Commander. Now you are going to suffer all the pain you have caused._

_-Clarke, no! Please believe me! Clarke!_

_She just kept walking to a table where she took a thorn whip. After smiling at me, she walked past trough me and once she was behind me, she rise the whip and afterwards, she made it fall aiming to my back._

_All I could feel was pain._

-Lexa! Wake up!

I opened my eyes and I found an alarmed Clarke looking at me, her face filled with worry and tension. It was just a dream.

-You were screaming my name and I didn't know what to do, I was so scared.

She said and then pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back, pulling her closer to me; that nightmare had been terrible.

-Oh my god, Lexa! You are bleeding, quickly take your tank top off.

-I thought you would wait at least 24 hours before asking me such things, Clarke.

-Really? This is not the time for jokes!

-Okay… sorry.

After pulling my shirt off, Clarke looked at my bloody wound.

-Some of your stitches came out, I need to sew you again. However is not serious, don't worry, I'll go catch everything I need.

Without waiting for an answer Clarke stormed out of the room and came back before 5 minute had passed.

-I will clean it first and then I will suture the wound. In addition to this you should bath, it will help a lot.

-We will do as you command, you are the one who has knowledge of medicine not me.

-Let's begin then, it may hurt a bit.

-I think I can stand pain pretty well, Clarke, don't worry.

-Yes, okay fine.

She took a towel and a bottle and then poured the content of the bottle into the towel. Once she thought it was enough, she started cleaning the injury. It hurt a lot but there was something more important happening than the pain I was feeling. I only was able of focusing on her hands, one of them cleaning the wound but the other was on my thighs, probably she put it there unconsciously but it was making the situation very difficult and awkward for me nonetheless. Suddenly, she moved away and went to reach the needle.

I saw Clarke`s hands trembling as she got closer to the wound with the needle.

-Don't tell me you have never sutured someone before.

-I have sutured people before, it is not that, is just that it is too close to your… ugh.

At least I wasn't the only one feeling this way.

-You have taken care of my wound before and you weren't like this, Clarke.

-I know I know, but the other times we hadn't kissed before. Now is like everything has changed but I can do it just give me some time to cool myself.

She started taking small breathes while I looked at the ceiling trying to distract myself.

-Oh I didn't see that tattoo before, well the little piece of it that I can see.

This was unbelievable, she needed to suture an injury and she just started talking about one of my tattoos. I decided to follow her game so that she could relax.

-It was made by Costia, I was always telling her she was a free spirit and I always admired that from her so she decided to left a part of her spirit in me; do you want to see it?

Dammit! She was supposed to be relaxing and you offered to show her your right hipbone tattoo, very clever Commander.

Clarke just swallowed before she answered me.

-Okay, show me.

I swallowed this time and moved my right hand briefly pulling off my pants so she could see the full design.

Her mouth opened as she looked at the tattoo totally captivated. It was a butterfly in black ink made by repeating the same design in different sizes. Each butterfly was made by the same patterns that decorated the interior of my arm tattoo.

I was so busy looking at her face that I didn't notice Clarke's hand moving to my hipbone until it was too late.

Gasping I closed my eyes, I didn't expect that and I was definitely not ready for it. Moving from shielding myself against any feeling to let my feelings take control was dangerous overwhelming. Some time passed and I found myself finally relaxing under Clarke's touch she was running her fingers over the butterfly following the same pattern time after time.

-It's really beautiful, she must be very important for you, and you for her.

_As important as you are now for me._

Just say it, show her how you feel, stop feeling afraid, face it.

She was looking lost in thoughts, craving for something.

-I wish I have someone who feels that way too. Forget it, I'm just being stupid.

A sad smile covering her lips, I couldn't take it no more. She deserved someone who showed her how precious she was.

I moved the hand that was holding my sweatpants and grabbing Clarke's hand, I moved them to my abdomen and while I stroke Clarke's hand, I spoke.

-I may have known you for a short period of time, –I took a deep breath- and I might sound like an insane person, but I can assure you that you are as important to me as Costia was.

-Thank you…

She whispered and leaned to give me a small kiss, her lips forming a smile while we kissed.

-Now, let's finish this and I will help you with the bath.

I nodded at her and she started piercing my skin with the needle. Once she finished, she cleaned it again and then gathered all.

-Are you sure you are not some kind of robot? You didn't even flinched.

I gave her a little smile.

-I told you I am used to the pain.

-And as I see, you are also used to do exercise.

-Did you say something?

-I said it out loud again, didn't I?

I laughed and she followed me with a nervous laughter.

-I'm going to get the tub ready, do you need help with your… clothes?

-I can get rid of them, and I think I could be able to get dressed after the bath. However… I may need a little help with the bandages…

Clarke's face turned completely red.

-Yes, your bandages for your chest, I will…

-You can call Indra or Echo if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Clarke released a breath she didn't know she was holding.

-I will call one of them, is not that I don't want to help you or…

-Don't worry Clarke, I understand, okay?

I gave her a reassuring smile and she nodded, her muscles finally relaxing.

She helped me to stand and then went to set the bath. Once it was all ready, she opened the door and lent me some towels.

-Take your time, I will go for some new clothes and I will find Indra, Echo is probably busy…

I nodded once more time and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind me. It was a simple bathroom but all the furniture were in good condition. I got undressed and entered the bathtub, all my body relaxing and the tension leaving my body. After some minutes undoing my braids, I immersed my head and then got out of the bathtub, dying my hair and body.

I heard someone knocking the door and I gave permission to enter. Indra was holding the bandages and the clothes so I started to get dressed. Indra broke the silence when she finished putting my bandages.

-How are you feeling Commander?

-I'm feeling better, Indra.

-I apologize for rising my voice and saying such unfair things to you. I just care about you.

-I know Indra, you are forgiven.

-How is your relationship with Clarke? She seemed different from when we found her at your side in the infirmary when you were still recovering. She has this annoying sparkle in her eyes again.

I looked at Indra and smiled at her, she will never show it, but deep inside her, I knew she had started to like Clarke.

-You can say we have helped each other to overcome our problems.

She nodded and stood up, I followed her and we went out of the bathroom, grabbing my new black tank top.

We found a reunion in Clarke's room, Octavia, Raven and Clarke were drinking and eating while they talked.

I was going to greet the two girls when Octavia's mouth fell opened and Raven gagged.

-Oh my god! Now I clearly see the reason why you are pursuing Lexa.

Octavia was the one speaking in first place and when Raven recovered she also spoke.

-Fuck!

-Yes that is totally what Clarke should do!

Raven and Octavia started laughing while Clarke blushed deeply. They were using strange words again.

-Fuck?

I asked them.

-Sex, although you will need to lead Clarke, she probably only slept with Finn.

I noticed how Raven said the last part with a bitter tone but I decided not to comment it.

Clarke on the other side, was covering now her face with her hands.

-I am not the one indicated for leading her, for I have no experience in that field.

-I can't believe it! You never have sex before, like never never?

Octavia asked and I shook my head.

-I didn't have the time when I was with Costia, they took her before we could do anything and... After that I didn't feel the need to do anything with a random person.

Clarke was now looking at me, I thought she was shocked too.

An awkward silence filled the room, did I say something wrong? Did I offend them?

-Well Raven and I are going to go, we need to do things.

-Yes, very important things, thanks for the breakfast Clarke.

Indra also followed Octavia and Raven and went out after giving me a nod.

I opted for sitting near Clarke on the couch and she started speaking.

-Are you mad?

I blinked.

-Why should I be mad? You did nothing so that I would be mad.

-I know it is stupid... I thought you would hate me for having slept with Finn.

I grabbed her cheek and made her look at me.

-I met Finn when he already had lost his mind but if you felt something for him, I don't doubt he must have been a good person in the past. Furthermore I also sent my people to kill yours, I have no right to judge him.

She smiled at me and offered me breakfast which I accepted. It was something called pancakes.

-I may live from now on at your camp just for the food.

-That's so rude, now I see, you pretend to like me just to eat my food!

We both chuckled and then Clarke finished attending my wound. She also took care of my injured head and took a look at my knuckles which were almost recovered. Afterwards we lay in bed again, the medicaments making me feel sleepy.

-I still can't believe you haven't slept with anybody, is strange, you are the Commander, I thought you have had a bunch of lovers. Forget that, it is stupid, it's a cliché and you have shown me you are far from being a cliché.

I smiled at her and hugged her, her face now resting on my neck. Her breath touching my skin making me shudder. She noticed my reaction and started kissing until she reached my pulse point and bit briefly. I closed my eyes and gasped. I hated to feel vulnerable but when I was with Clarke it was so different, I felt safe instead. She kept on kissing my neck and biting while her hand found its way under my tank top and began stroking my stomach. I was losing control of my reactions, my gasps changing to whimpers and I whispered her name.

Clarke stopped and softly kissed my lips.

-Not overwhelm you until you are recovered, I get it.

-I don't think your mother referred to this, Clarke.

She blushed and I chuckled. Suddenly her face changed, her lips forming a devilish grin. Her hand started going up until it reached my left ribs just under my breasts bandages. I gulped.

-Clarke this is not the moment for-

Her lips kept me from talking and she moved her tongue asking for permission, I parted my lips and we deepened the kiss. She was supposed to stop, not to make everything more difficult to control. When we run out of air, Clarke captured my bottom lip between her teeth and after pulling, she moved away, both breathing heavily trying to catch our breaths.

-Definitely, I am not the one leading.

Clarke laughed and moved so she was now on top of me, one of her legs between my thighs. She started kissing me again and I moved my hands to hold her waist. We kept kissing for some minutes until Clarke spoke.

-Although I would love to stay this way all the day, I have to attempt some stupid meetings but I also want to ask you something.

-What do you need to ask, Clarke?

-Tonight there is a party, and I wanted to know if you would like to come with me.

I pretended to think about the answer enjoying the nervousness growing inside Clarke until I answered her.

-Of course I will go with you but don't expect too much from me, I'm still tired.

-Don't worry, we will have a quiet night I just wanted to past time with you without worrying about the future.

-Now I am full convinced.

We both smiled and Clarke stood up after kissing me.

-You should rest, I will find some clothes more suitable for the party and solve whatever problem the council may have.

-Don't die of boredom.

She exited her bedroom and I felt asleep almost instantly.

After some hours I was awaken by Octavia, Raven, Bellamy and Abby, the last one of them was the one speaking.

-Lexa! Where did Clarke go?

-She told me she was going to find clothes for tonight's party and attempt some meetings, why? Something happened?

-Some soldiers told us they saw Clarke walking away from Camp Jaha an hour ago. The case is, another grounder was accompanying them, he had a huge tattoo of an eagle in his right arm.

My face went pale.

-Brontos.

-Who? Who is this Brontos?

-One of the Ice Queen's Generals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And everything goes to hell!
> 
> P.S: If you are confused with Lexa's tattoo, look for Homonka butterfly on Google and I hope it will help you make an image in your minds :3


	10. Stone hearts and hand granades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update!
> 
> Title from Stone hearts and hand granades by Leona Lewis

**Lexa's POV**

-We need to find her, quickly. Octavia go find Indra and tell her to ride to our camp to get my armour and weapons, tell her I order to summon our best available scouts and they must wait me outside of Camp Jaha. No horses, they can be noticed easily.

Octavia departed in a hurry and I stood up, the adrenaline running through my body kept me from feeling my sore body or the piercing pain in my chest. Nothing matters more than saving Clarke. This time I had the opportunity to save her, I was not going to let this chance pass because of any injury. Nonetheless Abby stopped me.

-I refuse as a doctor to let you go out to find my daughter, you are gravely injured Lexa, how many time must I tell you? What will happen if your injury reopens again?

-I don't care, I need to find Clarke, I can't let this happen again, I can't!-after some seconds thinking, I came out with an idea- Cauterize my wound.

I said firmly and Abby looked at me with wide eyes, she was speechless for a moment until she recovered her voice.

-Nothing will happen, we will find her and bring her back, they probably only want her to make some kind of negotiation. I'm not going to cauterize your wound, you have internal damage too, if I cauterize it and your rib causes more damage it will be more difficult to treat it, you are risking your life!

-No Abby, you DON'T know him, he was one of the people who tortured Costia, he is not here to make any kind of deal with your daughter, he is here for the same reason he came years ago. To take someone special from me once more! I will risk everything I have to save her, I'm asking you as Lexa, Abbigail Griffin, please let me go after Clarke.

She looked at me intensely, after a moment of tension she finally spoke directing to the exit.

-Let's go to the infirmary, I will cauterize your wound and we will discuss how to go look for Clarke.

Once we were at the infirmary, she prepared everything while we talked about the plan. Bellamy and Raven were inside the room too.

-We can't take a lot of people, my scouts and I know how to be imperceptible but I don't know if your people are capable of walking silently.

-You could lead a first squad, with your people and one of them stay behind guiding a second squad with our people.

Proposed Raven who was looking at the burning piece of metal that Abby was holding.

-I support her plan, I offer to lead some of our people while we follow the scout -Bellamy added.

-We will follow this plan then. You should find your warriors and wait outside the camp, explain the plan to Indra.

Bellamy nodded and exited the infirmary. Abby was now by me side, waiting. I took my tank top off and nodded to her.

-Raven could you push it against her wound as soon as I had taken the stitches off?

Raven moved her eyes from Abby to me and nodded.

-Okay, keep the blowtorch in one of your hands and when I start taking them off, heat the metal bar up a little more and then put it on the wound.

Abby disinfected the wound and then started pulling out the stitches, I tried to think about anything but the pain, my mind running directly to Clarke. Images of her being tortured crossing my mind, I started panicking internally until an intense pain brought me back to reality. Greeting my teeth, I hold the end of the bed until my knuckles turned white. When Raven finished I found myself panting, eyes closed and feeling dizzy. Only when I felt a hand on my shoulder I started to recompose. It was Raven.

-Thank you.

-No problem, just be sure to bring her back, alright?

-I swear on my spirit that I will do everything I can to bring her back to you.

-Okay, stop right now. You are such a pedant sometimes...

We both shared a little smile.

-I guess you are not as bitch as I thought you were, good luck, Commander.

I nodded at her and she exited leaving Abby and I alone in the room.

-I know you are in a dangerous condition, and that I'm being selfish, but please, bring my daughter back. When I knew she left Camp Jaha the first time, I barely hold up. If she doesn't return this time, I don't know if I could bear it.

-Neither do I. I will bring her back, I promise.

Abby hugged me carefully and I started walking to the door.

-May we meet again, Commander.

-May we meet again, Abby.

When I reached the entrance of Camp Jaha, I saw everybody outside, already ready to depart, Indra holding my armour and Octavia my sword. I went out of the Camp and started putting my armour assisted by Indra. It felt extremely heavy but I ignored it. After some minutes, Indra finished putting my cape in place and Octavia offered me the sword. I grabbed it. I pulled my hair in a ponytail.

-How many are we?

-We have four scouts, and five sky warriors. I will be guiding Bellamy's squad plus one of the scouts. Lincoln and Octavia will go with you to assist you. Once we find Clarke, the ice warriors will only find the three of you while the scouts will be hiding on the trees and we will be in the rear-guard, out of their sight. Afterwards, most of the attention will be threw to you, for you are the most important, that will make Octavia the best option to sound the horn to start our surprise attack.

I repeated the plan in my head, and then look at everybody.

-I think Indra made everything clear, any question?

Lincoln asked permission to speak and I allowed him to ask.

-Our main mission is to save Clarke, what should we do with the ice nation warriors?

I thought about it for a moment and then I answered him.

-Kill everyone who attacks you, the ones who surrender will be judge afterwards.

All nodded and I signal to start walking. We are going to find you, stay strong, Clarke.

**Clarke's POV**

-I thought we were going to Camp to talk with Indra but we are walking in another direction so I suppose I am being kidnapped.

The weapons aimed at me made everything crystal clear so after a pause, I continued talking.

-You are all idiots, you chose to kidnap me at daylight, and the day I have meet... _ings so all the people will ask for me when they see I didn't attend them._

That's how I would have ended my sentence if Echo hadn't hit my stomach. I was now on my knees, both of my hands holding my weight while I tried to catch my breath.

Echo knelt beside me and whispered to me before she pulled me to stand up.

-Don't say anything about this horrible plan, I did it on purpose. They are obliging me to do this and I'm trying to make your people and the Commander's job of finding you before is too late easier.

I gave her a little nod and stayed in silence the rest of the walk.

We reached a small Camp after some hours and various stops. After some time, one of the warriors came towards us and started speaking with the big eagle man.

-The Queen is going to visit us.

-She will be pleased to meet her new plaything.

His last word caused a shiver run through all over my body. So this was not about politics, this was because of Lexa. The history was being repeated.

-I am sorry to disturb you, Brontos, but Clarke is coming back with us immediately.

Brontos' face went pale, while my face lit up as I locked my eyes with Lexa's.

-What are you doing here? Echo told me nobody would find Clarke was missing until we were far away from here…

-Well you should grow some neurons, because if you think that kidnapping me in the middle of the day was a good plan, you need them.

I answered Brontos, and only then he realised he had been tricked.

-You! -Brontos said signalling to Echo- You betrayed me! I will murder you and your son!

Some of Brontos' warriors captured Echo after she tried to escape.

-You are not going to kill anyone, just let Clarke and Echo free and I will forget everything that is happening. You don't want to feel my rage, Brontos.

Lexa was speaking with such a cold tone I could barely recognize her. But I also noticed her laboured breathing, she was at her limit, she was anything but recovered from her wounds, and she was risking her own health for me.

-Look what we have here, the great Commander and her new little star. But Brontos there is something I don't understand, why is she wearing weapons and why is she followed by two warriors?

Everybody turned their gaze to the new person riding of a white horse, she was wearing heavy armour decorated with a white feather scarf which falls from her waist till her knee and around her neck she had another white scarf made by animal fur. A lance rested on her back, her black hair was tied up in a ponytail, and her right side was shaved. She was much taller than Lexa and heftier.

-Ashkna.

I heard Lexa pronounce which I supposed was her name trough greeted teeth and her tone full of hate.

-Well you owe me an honoured greeting, Commander, I respected you, and you should have introduced me with the same respect. I am a Queen after all.

The smile she was giving to Lexa made me sick. This woman was insane and she was very dangerous. The worst part of all is that I could found all that just by looking at her smile.

-You don't want to cause a war you can't win, Ashkna, so let Clarke come back with me, and I will forget you.

-Hahahaha, such air of superiority, Commander. Can you be sure that I can't win? And I am only doing Clarke a favour, she can tell me some things about you and I will keep her safe from you, you have caused her so much pain.

What the fuck was she talking about?

-Excuse me? Lexa is not causing me pain, she is trying to help me actually.

Ashkna looked at me, her grey eyes piercing my soul causing me to shiver again. But I didn't stop looking back at her.

-Just think a little, since you came to Earth, when did you started murdering people? I'm pretty sure that all started with the Commander.

-But when we incinerated 300 of Lexa's soldiers she wasn't the responsible of...

-Lexa sent them. You killed that boy, again for Lexa. You let the people from TonDc die, Lexa once more. You caused a genocide, let me think, oh yes, again Lexa.

I didn't want to listen to her, she was just trying to poison my mind but as much as I wanted to deny it, what she was saying was logical. But I also knew that every person is responsible of their acts, I learnt to not to blame people who don't deserved it. But I let her think she was winning her stupid mental game, I was tired of talking with dumb people long ago.

-But don't be sad, look at the bright side, I'm also very close with the Commander just as she is with you. My only purpose is to destroy everything she loves. You are her new hope and I can't tolerate that, that's mean I'm not doing a good work. However, Echo told me that maybe you already broke her hope.

I looked briefly at Echo, she gave me an almost inappreciable nod so I deduced this was another lie to try and kept me from danger.

-Yes, totally, I found that I prefer to be with a fish I met at the lake two days ago, than to be with Lexa.

Ups, my mouth slipped. And just as I finished my sentence I was thrown to the ground, my stomach aching.

-I'm not very fond of people who make jokes, sorry plaything.

Ashkna grabbed my neck and pushed me up. I started losing consciousness due to the lack of air when I saw a blurry Lexa running to where we were. Suddenly I found myself on the ground and when I focused my eyes again, I looked horrified at how Ashkna flourished her lance from the ground to Lexa's face, going over her entire body. I couldn't see if she had hurt Lexa, I could only she Ashkna lifting her up by her neck just like she did to me. Lexa seemed so small, I needed to help her but my head was spinning. Then Ashkna threw Lexa to the near tree. Her body making an awful noise when it impacted the trunk and then fell to the ground.

Tears started forming in my eyes.

-Stop it! Let her go!

Brontos sunk her foot in my stomach making me groan. And then someone screamed.

-NOW!

A horn sounded through the forest and grounders and my people started attacking the ice nation warriors. Most of them just froze and fell on their knees while a few of the ice nation warriors tried to fight back. I saw Ashkna running and got on her horse while she shouted.

-Brontos, find a way to fix this mess or don't you ever bother come back to me.

Lexa was now standing, the left side of her face, dripping with blood, I panicked and tried to stand up only to be pushed to the ground, my face against the mud. I felt a sharp object against my neck which started to cut my skin.

-If I die here, you are coming with me.

Brontos said, moving her blade and cutting deeper into my skin. Just when I thought that everything was over, the blade and the weight over my body disappeared.

- _Yu gonplei ste odon, Brontos._ (Your fight is over, Brontos)

I heard Lexa but I couldn't move, I almost died. I was going to die but Lexa saved me, and I just wondered that maybe it would had been easier if I just had died. It would have been fair, I had murdered so many people, I had caused so much pain and I had suffered too. But just as I was sinking in a dark pit, trembling arms surrounded me and I never had clung to my life more.

Somehow I was now sitting on my knees and Lexa was hugging me, one of her hands now resting on my hair, the other trying to pull me closer to her. I reacted and hugged her back trying to calm her down, she was shaking.

-I was so scared of losing you, I couldn't lose another person I care about again…

-Shh, it's fine Lexa I am here, I am alright, don't worry.

The rest of our people started to tie up the Ice Queen warriors who had surrendered and I saw Bellamy exiting a tent with a little baby in his arms.

-Skiler!

Echo run until she reached Bellamy and took the baby in her arms, her eyes full of tears of joy.

I remembered the bloody face of Lexa and I moved away to inspect the damage. I looked horrified at the left side of Lexa's face. She had a cut from her chin to her forehead, my first concern was to see if her left eye was injured too.

-Lexa, could you open your left eye please?

-It is not damaged Clarke, I'm keeping it closed because the blood is bothering me.

I glared at her and sighing, she opened it. Okay eye healthy.

-I think it won't need stitches, but it surely will left a scar.

Moving from her face, I went to inspect her chest but she stopped me.

-That wound is fine, Abby cauterized it.

-She did what?!

-It's not her fault, I asked her to do it, I needed to find you Clarke.

Just as she finished talking, I finally realised that I almost got kidnaped and, as a result, tortured. I started sobbing and Lexa hugged me again.

-Thank you, thank you...

I repeated while she stroke my hair.

When I calmed myself I placed my hands on Lexa's thigh and she winced. I felt my hand wet and when I looked down I found another wound.

-It is just a scratch, I'm fine Clarke.

I totally ignored her and turned my head, looking for Lincoln.

-Lincoln come here!

He reached our position and started looking in his back for some herbs and jars.

-They are not deep cuts, I can stop the haemorrhage but she will need more treatment once we go back to Camp.

He treated her face first, and then her leg, bandaging it. When he finished, he went back with Octavia.

Bellamy and Echo came near us while I helped Lexa to stand up.

-We found two horses, you could go back riding them and get yourselves checked at Camp.

I looked at Lexa who was looking at Echo and her baby.

-Clarke and I will ride one, you and Echo can ride the other one. I'm not sure if I am able to ride a horse so Echo will lead us to Camp if you agree.

We looked at each other, totally puzzled. She was trusting Echo without questions. Echo bowed slightly and answered Lexa.

-I will lead you to Camp.

Lexa nodded and after giving some orders, we got on the horses. I was once more, holding the reins, but Lexa was at my back, holding my waist firmly.

-I think I have already lived this moment, and I didn't like it.

-Do not worry Clarke, this time I'm not going to make your trip boring by passing out.

I chuckled and she rested her head on my back.

-Be careful Commander, your people are watching.

-Let me just forget about it for a minute.

I smiled and we started moving.

-Let's go back home.

-Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next time!


	11. Give your heart a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update, nothing special just some talking. I didnt like Abby's personallity on the serie so I decided to change her a little :D
> 
> Title from Give your heart a break by Demi Lovato

-Why are you trusting Echo?

Clarke asked me while we rode, her voice was low to keep Bellamy and Echo from hearing us.

-Because she was acting under threat, and even though she was being blackmailed, she did everything she could to help us reach you.

-And what will happen with the rest of the warriors that surrendered?

-They will be judge, as well as Echo.

-Your people probably will want to kill them.

-As long as I am the Commander, they will face a trial where I will hear their stories and afterwards I will decide their fate.

After a moment of silence, Clarke spoke again.

-Could I be there, with you? I won't interfere, I promise. I just want to get to know your culture.

-Of course you can accompany me, Clarke.

-Okay, thanks.

We fell silent again, it was comfortable; but now there was nothing to get me distracted from the throbbing pain on my back. I held Clarke closer to me instinctively and she noticed something was not fine.

-Is something wrong Lexa?

I breathed deeply and tried to put the pain aside.

-It is just my back, I guess I hit the tree pretty hard.

Clarke grabbed one of my hands and squeezed gently. After a shaky breath, she started speaking.

-I was so scared, when Ashkna threw you and when you fell, you weren't moving at all.-She took another breath- It seems like everyone I care about, gets hurt or dies.

-Clarke I'm fine, I'm here holding you, don't be afraid.

-Lexa you almost died, I almost killed you and since you have been with me, you got wounded like a hundred times…

I felt the pain her words caused me, if there was a responsible for all of this… it was me.

-In that case, you should stay away from me, because of me your world has been full of pain, death and blood.

-Why are you saying this? Don't tell me you believed what Ashkna said.

-You think you are the responsible of my wounds, but I am the one who made you do horrible things, and I am the reason why you got kidnapped. Maybe you are better without me Clarke.

Just when Clarke was about to answer me, Bellamy interrupted her.

-We are almost there, let's go!

It was for the best, if I made Clarke stay with me, I would be condemning her to live pursued by Ashkna.

-Don't you think we are dropping this conversation Lexa, but your wounds come first.

Clarke told me while we entered Camp Jaha.

Diaval and Sheidgeda came running.

-Sis! Where did you go? What happened?

-Clarke was kidnaped by Ashkna's warriors but we managed to save her.

Diaval looked alarmed when he saw the cut on my face and Sheidgeda looked tensed, probably because she was smelling my blood.

-Sheidgeda, I'm fine, don't worry.

She seemed to calm a little and got closer to Diaval who started to pet her.

We got off of the horses and everybody started walking towards the entrance of the Ark but I couldn't. I thought my back was in a bad condition but the pain wasn't allowing me to move. Clarke turned and saw me, she reached me running, put my right arm around her neck and held it with her hand helping me to walk slowly.

-Diaval could you please go and call my mother?

-Of course! I just saw her at the dining room.

-Thank you, tell her to meet us at the infirmary as soon as possible.

We entered the infirmary and we found Abby was already there, waiting for us.

-Okay sit down on that bed Lexa.

-Her back is the most urgent thing you should see. She was thrown to a tree and her back collided with it. She probably has a contusion.

Abby looked at Clarke while she described my situation.

-I will clean briefly her face and thigh cuts; I will put some stire strips on her cuts and I will treat her back afterwards.

Abby did as she told after I relinquished all my armour ending in my tank top and shorts once more.

When she cleaned my cuts she stood still, thinking.

-You should shower before I put the stire strips.

I nodded and with Abby help, I ended up with only my bandages and my underwear. Abby moved to my back as well as Clarke. I felt some lightly touches against my back which made me groan.

-I will wait outside, tell me if you need something.

Clarke spoke with trembling voice and her eyes on the verge of tears. I wanted to say something to comfort her but she exited the room almost running.

Abby helped me to stand up and we walked to the infirmary bathroom.

-She doesn't stand to watch people get hurt because of her.

-But it wasn't her fault, it was mine, I told her. Ashkna wants her because she is important to me.

-Diaval told me about Costia and what you felt for her.

Oh great, now Abby knew I had feelings for Clarke.

-My daughter has suffered, she has lost so many important people. And I don't want to see her suffer more.

-I know Abby, don't worry, I already told Clarke she will be better without me.

-No Lexa, you understood it wrong. As much as I wish to keep her from pain; I realised she is not my little girl anymore. This is a cruel world, and I want her to have all the possible support.

She paused and I looked at her.

-She is broken, she needs help and I also know how you look at her, how you truly care about her, so I can see you are probably the only person who can save her.

-But she is suffering because of me, she almost got kidnaped and tortured because of me, how am I supposed to help her if I only can cause her pain?

Abby put her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me.

-You can't expect to live without hurting others or getting yourself hurt. But you can decide if that will make you stop living your dreams, your goals. You can hurt people Commander, but you also can help them to heal.

I looked at Abby, trying to find a hint of lies but all I could find was sincerity. I gave her a little smile.

_I should probably talk with Clarke later._

I showered and then Abby put those strange steri strips which were small strips with some kind of glue that kept the cuts almost united.

-You have changed so much.

-I guess I finally saw the weight Clarke has been carrying and the little we have done so she didn't have to carry all by herself. So as long as her acts make her happy, I will support her in every step she takes.

This woman was truly changing, she looked like a different person. Abby changed the topic and carried on taking care of my back.

-I need you to lay upside down to put some ice on the contusion. If your thigh starts hurting too much just tell me.

-Okay.

The moment Abby put the cold object, I felt my back stopping hurting. I sighed and closed my eyes. Too many emotions and exercise.

-I have to check on something, I'll tell Clarke to come here and watch you.

I heard Abby leaving and I almost fall asleep until I heard someone moving a chair and sitting beside me.

-Hi.

I opened my eyes and saw Clarke, her hair wet and wearing a tank top and pants similar to mine.

-Hi, I guess you needed a shower too.

I told her mimicking the gesture she make before, almost joining two fingers.

She chuckles softly and held my hand.

-I've been thinking about what you said and what I said and I reached a conclusion.

I knew we were going to have this conversation sooner or later but I wasn't ready and I would probably never be.

-Which conclusion did you reach?

-That love is weakness. That is what you told me when we met. But now I know fear was what you were feeling. I understand you, feelings are dangerous, they can take control over you so it is easier to keep yourself from feeling them. But I'm not like the rest and I am not afraid of feel, not anymore.

-As long as you stay with me, you will be in danger, and I don't know if I could live with myself if something happens to you...

-I know you are scared it is wrong, like you may make a mistake, maybe your people will see it as weakness, maybe I will be in danger but I want to be with you, let me give your heart a break.

This was going to be probably one of the most important choices in my life and just looking at the deep sky in front of me, it was going to be one of the easiest choices in my life as well.

-An annoying girl told me once that we deserved more than just to survive, well-I took a deep breath before continuing, here goes nothing- I want to learn to live instead of survive with that girl.

Clarke looked at me and smiled. She got closer to me and gave me a soft kiss on my lips.

-They are kissing, ugh!

Diaval entered the infirmary and covered Sheidgeda's eyes, she understood it like a signal to play and started licking Diaval.

The three of us chuckled and started a small talk about Diaval's day. Later Indra, Lincoln and Octavia entered the room. Indra told me that all the prisoners were at our camp and also Echo had joined them. When she finished she asked for Abby and went out of the infirmary. After talking for some time, Abby came back and Lincoln offered a lotion to help my bruises. I stood up sitting on the bed and after spreading the lotion, Abby bandaged all my upper body. I looked like a mummy.

-That back tattoo is so hot Clarke.

-Stop it Octavia...

Clarke was blushing and I smiled. I laid down in the same position. Bellamy and Raven joined us too. I heard them speaking about postpone tonight party but I fell asleep while I heard Raven speaking.

-Oh! I got an idea!

I didn't knew how, but all of them ended up playing cards on my back while I was asleep. Once I woke up, I saw Clarke on the chair sleeping

-This is anything but entertaining.

I said getting more and more pissed.

-But we are keeping you company!

-What the hell are you doing!?

They all froze when they heard Clarke.

-The Commander is injured and she needs rest and you go and decided that the best option is to play cards, on top of her injured back!?

-But it sounded funny, you don't have the opportunity to play cards on the back of the Commander every day, we will become famous!

-If anyone of you, goes and tells you have been using my back for your games, I will pursue you when I get better.

All of them went pale and run through the exit. Clarke sighed.

-I will get some soup and after dinner I will let you rest. Diaval, wanna come with me?

-Sure! Sheidgeda protect Lexa.

After some minutes, Clarke came back and knelt beside me.

-Where did Diaval go?

-We saw Monty and Diaval went with him, I think they are really good friends.

-Yes, I am happy for him, he had been alone for quite a long time.

I tried to stand up but I couldn't find any strength.

-I have a little problem.

-Which problem?

Clarke looked at me confused.

-I can't move, like at all.

-This is going to be so funny.

-What is going to be so funny?

-Me feeding you.

-Oh no, I refuse to eat, I will have breakfast tomorrow, I can wait.

-Oh come on Lexa! It is just soup is not a big deal, I won't tell anyone, okay?

-Fine…

She helped me turn to my side and after grabbing me from my waist, she assisted me straighten. This was so embarrassing...

Clarke started feeding me with a smile plastered on her face.

After eating Clarke sat on my bed.

-Will you teach me to defend myself?

-Yes, I will teach you, whenever you want.

-Okay, thanks.

She gave me another kiss and sat on the chair.

-You should go to your bedroom, resting on that chair will make your body feel sore.

-Once you fall asleep, I will go, okay?

-Fair enough.

-I will come here first thing on the morning to feed you again.

She said winking at me. I looked at her squinting my eyes.

-Ha ha, so funny, I may die of laughing so hard…

Clarke chuckled again and called Sheidgeda. I saw Sheidgeda sprawling next to me on the floor and I closed my eyes.

When I was almost sleeping, I felt lips on my forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost every chapter ends up Lexa going to sleep, I do this unconsciously D:
> 
> Next chapter something special will happen!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update!
> 
> It was supposed to be published on Monday but well... here it is.
> 
> Title from Stop crying your heart out by Leona Lewis.
> 
> I forgot to mention it but I'm so glad Alycia is returning for season 3, Heda's back!

I woke up the next morning when I listened someone calling my name.

-Heda.

I opened my eyes and I saw Indra.

-What do you need, Indra, that is so important that you needed to wake me up.

-Forgive me, Heda, but people at camp are starting to get worried, they have been several days without receiving any news about you.

I looked at her and I found her trying to formulate her thoughts.

-Some of them… they have started to suspect of the Sky People, I have also heard rumours about people getting ready to attack Camp Jaha.

I felt all my body tensed up after her words.

-Bring me clothes and my horse, search for Abby and tell her I'm coming back to my camp.

-Should I inform Clarke as well?

-I will take care of Clarke.

Indra nodded and went to the exit, Clarke showed up at the same time. The both ignored each other and Clarke looked confused at me while I stood up. Sheidgeda growled while she dreamed and I observed Clarke. She looked tired, bags under her eyes.

-Did something happen Clarke?

I asked her, worried.

-Just bad dreams… More important, what are you doing? Why are you standing up?

-Several people at my camp are planning to attack yours, they think that your people have captured me, or worse… So I need to go back to my camp immediately.

-But it is not recommended to move in your actual condition.

-It is not a question of what is recommended or not, Clarke, but what must be done.

-Oh really? And which is your duty? Force yourself until you collapse? Making your wound get worse?

-If that is what is required to prevent a war and appease my people, then yes.

Clarke remained thinking about something I quite couldn't discern.

-Does that mean you will not be returning to Camp Jaha?

_Oh no, she cannot be thinking about that._

-For a while; when everything gets calmed, I will return to discuss the situation of our nations. I will probably have to visit Polis too.

-Let me go with you then.

-No Clarke, you should not come with me.

-Yes I should, Lexa, I need to watch your stitches, your ribs. Furthermore, I would like to learn more about you, I want to understand your traditions, your culture; so I can talk with the council knowing both nations.

The reasons offered by Clarke were logical but I knew that deep down those weren't the real reasons. I watched her while she was struggling with herself.

-And… I also don't want to distance from you, not after all of this. I perfectly know that we will need to keep our distances, but I don't want to lose sight of you… I just can't…

I sighed and, after standing completely, I moved right beside Clarke and hugged her.

Clarke relaxed under my touch and hugged me too.

-Fine, Clarke, you can come with me, but our relationship in public must be only professional, you must not answer me back or question my acts. I'm the most powerful person around the 12 clans, defying me would be seen as treachery and, If I allow it, as weakness.

Clarke looked at me, trying to take everything in. Her face reflecting all kind of feelings, from disapproval and fear to rage.

-So I will be by your side but actually, I will be far away from you…

-Only in public Clarke, I don't want to do this neither but I must be the Commander.

-I know, I know… Sorry, I didn't want to sound so rude.

She gave me a little kiss and kept talking.

-I should speak with my mother… do you need something? Clothes?

-Indra is taking care of that.

-Okay.

She looked nervous.

-What's happening Clarke?

-I just don't know if your culture frowns upon what I'm going to ask you.

-What do you want to ask me?

She shrugged at after several seconds, she answered me.

-Your hair… do you need help? You know I could…

I smiled while a saw Clarke blushing.

-Usually, only the direct subordinates can do that.

-Of course, I'm sorry if-

-But also the closest ones.

As I finished my sentence, I turned around and sat down on the chair, waiting for her reaction.

-Oh… Then I? You don't mind if I…

-We don't have all the day Clarke.

-Yeah, right.

Clarke started to braid my hair while I relaxed under het touch. I hadn't realised how much I missed this contact.

After some minutes, her voice got me out of my trance.

-Im almost done.

Abby and Indra came into the infirmary, Abby clearly annoyed while Indra watched me curiously facing the situation in which Clarke and I were in.

-Commander, I thought I told you to take rest and in the next morning I found your General telling me you are heading back to your camp.

Clarke finished with my hair and after giving me a little smile, she turned to face her mother.

-About that, we should talk about it... let's go outside.

After one last disapproval glance, Abby followed Clarke.

-I'm now doubting that talking with Abby about this night was a good idea.

I looked startled at Indra.

-What is happening tonight?

Indra tensed up.

-I forgot to tell you about ir… My apologies, Heda.

-What did you forget?

I asked her, my voice showing anger.

-While we were waiting for you to wake up, I heard Abby and other person talking about what happened at the mountain. When I discovered what Clarke did and how it had affected her… I offered Abby to do a funeral following our traditions with all the deceased. Not only grounders but also sky people and mountain men. I thought it was the right thing to do in order to close this chapter of our history.

Indra looked worried at me, she had made a decision without consulting it with me but I also assumed that it was a decision that must be taken quickly I was in no condition to decide it.

-It disturbs me that you have decided something without taking in consideration my opinion but I am also aware of the fact that I couldn't help you with any advice so I will not punish you. Where do you pretend to do the ceremony?

-Abby gave me the idea, the lake. All the bodies are ready. After a short speech, the boats will be moved into the lake and the archers will purify them with fire.

-Very well, you have my permission.

After the conversation, I put on my armour and changed my blade for the ceremonial katana. Once I finished, Indra spoke.

-You let Clarke braid your hair.

-Yes I let her.

-Does she know what is the meaning of it?

-Yes, she knows.

Indra observed me during several seconds. Indra is one of the few people who can know what I am thinking, what I am feeling just by looking at me because of the bond we have forged. I didn't know how she would react to this situation, my relationship with Clarke was very fragile, very dangerous.

-While a part of me should not accept your bond with Clarke; the other part feels relieved.

She gave a little smile, almost imperceptible.

-As Heda you are one of the best in so long but as Lexa, you have been empty for too long and Clarke can fill that emptiness.

-I know Indra, but I'm afraid of feeling again, I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

-I rather fight and lose than give up without even trying, and you Commander?

After that, Indra left me alone. I was lost in my thoughts so I didn't notice Clarke presence until I felt arms going across my waist. My first reaction was to jump in surprise until I heard her voice.

-So the great Commander of the 12 clans can get scared.

-Don't push your luck Clarke.

After chuckling, Clarke answered me.

-Sorry. After arguing and arguing and arguing, my mother finally let me accompany you but I have to take with me a new communicator made by Raven to stay in contact with them and also I need to bring three more people with me.

-Have you already thought about those three people?

-Wait, are you agreeing with her requirements?

-Of course, you can use this opportunity to act like a diplomatic group which objective is to understand and get involved with my people.

-If you put it that way… I have thought about Bellamy, Monty and Octavia.

-Diaval will be pleased to have Monty, Octavia would probably come even if you wasn't coming and Bellamy probably will want to be with Echo.

Clarke sighed and rested her head on my shoulder, moving uncomfortably because of my armour.

-I liked you more without all that armour…

I smiled and grabbed her hands between mine keeping her embrace a little more until he ended up separating.

-I'm going to head to camp in due course, will you come with me?

-Of course.

After a briefly kiss, Clarke and I departured followed by Sheidgeda who had finally awaken.

Diaval was waiting at the doors with Indra, Sheidgeda started running in their direction. After saying goodbye, we rode to my camp.

As soon as we reached the camp all the people gathered around us, their eyes setting on my wounds and then on the Sky People. I moved to the centre of the camp and explained them what the Ice Nation had intended to do, skipping all the topic about Clarke shooting me.

After my speech everyone seemed to calm down and some people got near me, one of them put his right hand on his heart and moved it until it reached his left arm, going over it with his middle and index fingers, once his fingers reached his left palm, he moved his fingers away and closed his left hand. I lifted both my hands and covered his hand while I looked at Clarke and then at him; he nodded.

Clarke and her people followed Nykko to see their tents while I attended to some meetings.

We had a little break for having lunch and afterwards, I kept assisting to more meetings while Clarke went to see the rebuild of TonDC.

As evening fell, I finally went out of the meeting tent and wen to find Clarke. I found her sitting next to a campfire, talking with some grounders. They greeted me and then went away.

-How was your day?

-Tiring… It seems like they don't know how to do anything without me.

-Welcome to the leadership world, Commander.

-You are so so funny Griffin.

-I was born this way. I have a question for you that I couldn't ask you before. The gesture you did this morning with that man, what was it about?

-It is a gratitude gesture, once the person express her or his gratitude the other person accept it or not.

-So you accepted it.

-Yes, if I wouldn't have accepted it, I should have put my fist on top of his. However I looked at you because he was a former reaper and he should have thanked you, not me.

-Okay, thank you for explaining it to me.

I was so focused on being with Clarke and the feelings she caused in me that I didn't realised she was alone.

-Where is your escort?

Clarke looked confused at me because of my cold tone, she cleared her throat and answered me.

-Monty, Diaval and Sheidgeda are in the tent trying to keep Sheidgeda from eating the comics. Lincoln and Octavia… I don't know where they are; and Bellamy is trying to get into the tent where Echo is.

-You shouldn't be alone

-Why? I'm surrounded by warriors who are supposed to defend the camp.

-Some of them want to hurt you Clarke, don't forget that. They could take advantage of any chance to hurt you.

She raised her arm but stopped halfway. Looking upset she spoke to me.

-I understand, don't worry, I will stay still and with my escort so I won't cause you more troubles, Commander.

The hardness of her voice made me flinch briefly although it didn't go unnoticed for Clarke. Her face softened and looked at me with an apologetic look. I just nodded.

-I would like you to accompany me to a one last place.

-Which place?

-A funeral, dedicated to all the deceased. Indra had the idea, she thought it would help us all.

Her face panicked but after a briefly moment she nodded.

-All right, I will go with you. Shall we go?

-Yes, let's go.

It didn't take us so long to reach the lake, the rowboats were distributed along the shore. A horn announced my arrival. When everybody was looking at me, Clarke moved away and I started my speech.

I spoke firstly in Trigedasleng to my people. Once I finished, I spoke in English, focusing my eyes on the Sky People.

-Murderers and victims, young and old people, the dead and the ones who will honour their memories; we are all gathered in this place to help their spirits reach home.

After a break, I added one last sentence.

-May we meet again.

All of them repeated my last words while the rowboats started to be thrown into the lake.

I reached for Clarke after I caught one bow.

-You should be the one shooting the first arrow. I learnt to live with the spirits long ago but you still need to make peace with them.

Clarke looked alarmed.

-But I have never used a bow.

I looked at Indra and she nodded so I spoke to Clarke.

-I will help you, do you agree?

Clarke swallowed and nodded. We walked until we were beside the water. I gave her the bow and the arrow and positioned myself behind her.

-Only one arrow?

-You should know I never fail, Clarke.

-But I am the one shooting the arrow.

-Assisted by me.

-Okay…

When Indra set the arrow on fire, Clarke shot it with my help and it reached its target.

Following that arrow, the dark sky was lit up by the fire of the arrows. I was now standing a little far away from Clarke and I could see her trembling. All I wanted to do was to hug her, to show her that everything could get better but I simply couldn't, not in front of everyone. I felt so useless, my fist closing until they turned white. I saw Abby walking and, after giving me an understanding smile, she hugged her daughter.

When all the rowboats extinguished, Clarke approached Indra and she repeated the same gesture the man did last morning. Indra, perplexed, accepted the gesture and smiled proudly at Clarke.

After the funeral we had a feast but I left, all my body was tired and my back was aching. Once I entered my tent, I went to my room and got rid of my armour, laying face down on my bed closing my eyes with only my leather pants.

I heard someone entering the tent and I knew who she was as I listened to her footsteps.

-What are you doing here Clarke?

-How do you know it's me?

-Black magic.

-Ha ha ha… Your back is a little better but it should hurt a lot… Lincoln gave me the lotion so I can spread it on your back if you want to.

-Okay.

When a felt the cold lotion and Clarke's hands over my back, I sighed and relaxed, feeling exhausted. I didn't even realised when I fell asleep.

I only woke up when I heard a little shriek next to me.

-I fell asleep, on your bed, and I'm hugging you, someone probably saw us, oh my god what are we going to do; more important you are topless.

I chuckled softly.

-No one can enter my bedroom, only the main room and I don't know why are you so alarmed, do you give so much importance to nudity in your culture?

I couldn't see her but she was surely blushing. She moved away and coughed nervously while I stood up and got dressed.

-The problem here is I spent the night in your tent.

-We will say you needed to take care of my wounds and watched me so my wounds wouldn't get worse.

-Fine, we will say that…

Getting closer to her, I rested my forehead on her until I gathered enough resolution to bring my lips to Clarke's; when I pulled away, Clarke sighed.

-Thank you for everything you are doing for me.

-I'm not doing anything you don't deserve Clarke.

This time she was the one pulling me into a kiss and then she moved her head to my shoulder, burying her face on my neck. I embraced her and whispered.

-Are you ready for the trial?

-I guess I am.

-Let's go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will go now to cry about Carmilla (not related with this but I'm so traumatized)
> 
> See you next Monday!


	13. Why are you my clarity?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lo tof things will happen in this chapter, I hope I made everything clear.
> 
> Title from Clarity by ZEDD
> 
> There is also another song in this chapter, I'll keep loving you by David Guetta.

**_Clarke's POV_ **

I followed Lexa trough the camp till we reached an esplanade where a huge amount of people were gathered. In the middle there was a throne, similar to the one Lexa has in her tent; Indra was waiting to the left of it. Lexa signalled at the right space beside the throne, indicating to me to go there. I started to walk and I could see Echo and the Ice nation warriors, their hands were tied up. Once we arrived to the throne, three warriors led the Ice Nation warriors until they were now standing in front of us.

-Which path will you choose? Will you pick a representative or will you defend yourselves individually?

Echo took a step forward and answered Lexa.

-I will act as our representative.

-All right Echo. Today you are being accused of committing a series of crimes, such as betraying the 12 Clans Alliance and trying to kidnap Clarke Griffin from the Sky People.

A grounder shouted amongst the crowd.

-They tried to murder you, Heda!

Soon the crowd began shouting too until Lexa raised her hand and the place fell in silence.

-Even though there was an attempt to kill me, none of the warriors standing here today took part in it. Consequently, that crime will not be included on today's trial. Resuming our main subject, Echo, do you consider yourselves guilty or innocent?

After a briefly moment of silence, Echo replied.

-Guilty.

I could see how Bellamy clenched his fist until they turned white. The grounders were about to start shouting again when Lexa spoke.

-You consider yourselves guilty, is there any reason by which you decided to carry out with these crimes?

-The Ice Queen, threated us, me, in particular, with my son's life after killing my partner.

I wanted to throw up, I knew the Ice Queen was cruel, sadist, I could have verified it when I met her, but what Echo just said, it was far beyond of what I could have imagined.

I saw Lexa's jaw tensing up.

-In spite of not accepting her position as queen, it is supposed that this position is in charge of safeguarding the safety of her people, not to threat and murder them. Why is she doing this?

-Vengeance.

Vengeance? As far as I know, Ashkan had murdered Costia, so the only person who had the right to claim revenge is Lexa, not the Ice Queen.

-She wants to avenge her sister, because of what you did to her.

I was more and more lost the longer they speak.

-That topic belongs to the past and everything was settled.

-I dont think so, Heda. Ashkan only changed her demency for an obsession with you. You took her right to be the next Commander, you took her sister from her, murdered her in cold blood and then you refused to give her her body.

My face went pale, I looked at Lexa who didn't dare to look at me. This could not be true Lexa was not like this.

Everybody stayed in silence, anxious.

-If I offer you a deal, would you accept it?

I saw everyone's faces, they were in shock just like me. They had committed treachery, the only solution was death penalty.

Echo remained perplexed for a while until she found her voice.

-which kind of deal?

-Desert. You acted because someone else obliged you, because you wanted to protect the people you care about. For me, that is a reason valid enough to offer you a new beginning under my clan, but only if you accept to desert, if you accept me as your leader; you must consider yourselves belonging to the Ice Nation clan no more.

Echo seemed to be having an internal fight, she didn't know what to choose, how to react.

Lexa noticed it, she stood up and got closer to Echo.

-You don't need to make a decision right now, I give you one day to think about it.

-Mochof, Heda. Tomorrow you will have your answer.

The trial came to an end and when people started to walk away, I was trying to reach for Lexa when I saw a man running with a spear.

-Lexa, behind you!

Lexa turned immediately a quickly disassembled him; unsheathing her knife. She directed it to his neck.

-Speak.

-Since the Sky People came to Earth, you have changed, since you met that despicable girl you turned weak.

I saw Lexa's features harden.

-Then watch my weakness.

Lexa's words made my blood run cold and when she started to cut his throat I had to look away.

-Anyone else doubt my actions?

I found my mother, her face pale while she looked between me and Lexa.

-Nobody? Then go back to your tasks.

I heard Lexa's footsteps distancing from me.

My mother hugged me and tears started to fall from my eyes. Lexa was not like that, she could not be like that. The Lexa I have feelings for was not a murderer without scruples.

-I'm going to go to speak with her.

-Clarke I don't think that's a good idea…

-No mom, I need to talk about this.

I didn't wait for an answer, I walked until I reached Lexa's tent. Two warriors were guarding the entrance but they let me pass.

I found Lexa in the centre of the tent and when she sensed my presence she turned to look at me.

I felt sick again, Her face, chest armour and right arm were covered in blood.

-Tell me what really happened, tell me that what Echo said is false.

Lexa looked at me but she didn't locked her eyes with mine. My hopes started to die.

-What Echo said is the truth.

-You killed an innocent person and then you didn't let her have a funeral, without a reason?

I could see the pain in her face before she covered it with her usual mask.

-I did it to send a message, to those who weren't willing to keep the alliance.

Her words left me speechless, I tried desperately to find a signal which indicated me that Lexa was lying, but she just looked at me with the same coldness she looked at me when we first met. After several minutes, I finally spoke.

-Lexa, you are not the person I thought you were supposed to be, the only thing I have seen today is Finn's shadow in you. I thought you did things whit a purpose, to protect, not to destroy innocent lives. I think I will stay away from all of these during some time; I don't know if I will go to Polis, or even if I will return to this camp.

I started walking away.

-Do as you wish.

I heard her spoke when I was about to exit.

-At any rate, neither you are the person I thought you were.

Her words stabbed my chest as daggers, I wanted to demand an explanation, however I just walked outside the tent, my brain didn't work until I arrived at my room. I lay in my bed, the lump in my throat becoming sobs while I hugged my pillow tight.

**_Lexa's POV_ **

Three days had passed since the trial. Echo and the rest of the Ice Nation warriors accepted my offer and after a public ceremony, they were officially member of the Trikru.

After thanking me, Bellamy had spoken about a party at Camp Jaha to celebrate and also as a farewell, for the ones who will go to Polis tomorrow.

Being realistic, I didn't wanted to go, I didn't want to have the chance to meet Clarke there. Not after what she told.

I thought Clarke would be different, that she would be able to look inside me just like Costia did in the past; but I was mistaken. The truth behind the story of Ashkna's sister was too dangerous to let Clarke know about it.

_It was a winter night, a few weeks had passed since I had been proclaimed as the new Commander. I had finished a meeting with the Elder's Council of Polis and they had finally agreed to an alliance of all the clans, when I heard it. The piercing cry of a woman; without a second thought I followed the source of the scream until I get to my room which suddenly was opened wide, I got me hide in one of the rooms next door which I found empty. Trough the door I could see Ashkna walking away by one of the riders tumbling. Then I headed to the room, and when I entered, the smell of blood made me feel sick. I found Kira lying on the floor, she was on the verge of death._

_Lincoln was nearby and heard the scream and walked behind me._

_When Kira regained consciousness, we asked her to explain what happened. It was then when Kira told us about the problems Ashkna had, how she had become a completely different person, and she was no longer the woman I had known, now she was an abusive and sadistic woman. She told us how she had begun to act violently toward others._

_When I asked her to tell the truth, to discover a new way of being Ashkna, she replied that it would be a lost cause, that Ashkna had created the necessary evidences to accuse me of attempted murder, that the original plan was to kill her and then accuse me of it to get myself relieved of the Commander position._

_Kira asked me for help, she did not want to face her sister, not after what she had done, to discover what she was capable of to reach her objectives._

_With the help of Indra, Costia and two of the Elders Council, we succeeded in creating a believable scene in which we accused Kira of conspiring against the alliance and as a result she was murdered to send a message of 0 tolerance towards people who threated the alliance of the 12 clans. Ashkna could do nothing to prove otherwise as she could not risk being involved in it._

_Kira was filed shortly after as a new bodyguard and she has been living undercover since then. She made me promise that that incident must remain in secret, that only those involved would know, no one else would find out what happened._

I could not let Clarke know the truth, I made a promise to Kira and I couldn't break it.

But I hoped that at least Clarke could see that something was missing, nevertheless she just accepted I was a monster easier than when she had to forgive me.

No matter how hard we try to build things, it will always be easier to destroy them.

When I arrived at Camp Jaha, I noticed that there was a marquee where the party was taking place. I entered when a new song started to sound, I found Clarke on the other side of the marquee our eyes locked as I listened to the song.

_I've known from the start_

_You would break my heart_

_You are cruel, you are_

_But I'll keep loving you_

_I want you to know_

_I'm not perfect, so_

_I'm a rolling stone_

_But I'll keep loving you_

_But no, you can't see_

_I'm not what you need_

_My spirit's free_

_But I'll keep loving you_

_You are so wild_

_You've a restless mind_

_I won't renounce_

_But I'll keep loving you_

_I'm only a man_

_I'll give you my love_

_But I make mistakes_

_Cause it's in my blood_

_The world is so full_

_Of flaws and of rules_

_I promise that I_

_Will love you for you_

_For the rest of my life_

_I promise that I, I'll keep loving you_

_I, I'll stand by your side_

_And promise that I, I'll keep loving you_

As soon as the song ended, I run away from there, maybe coming wasn't a good idea after all. The lyrics of the song chased me while I run through the forest till I reached the tree with the wood platform. I climbed it and closed my eyes to keep my tears from falling.

-Lexa?

My eyes shot open. I must have fallen asleep.

-Lexa?

I still didn't answered her.

-Lexa, please.

I could feel the pains and sadness in her voice but I kept being silent.

-Lexa, I am sorry

After closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to calm myself, I moved to one side of the platform and I let the ladder fall.

Some seconds passed until I saw Clarke appearing, I helped her to climb up. I didn't expect to be surrounded by trembling arms when Clarke finally climbed.

-I should have known it, I should have seen it wasn't true but I believed you, I compared you with Finn, I messed all up, Don't matter how hard I try, I always fuck things up.

I adjusted my back against the trunk and circled Clarke with my arms.

-Who told you the story?

-Diaval, he told me he didn't bear to see you like this anymore, he didn't stand the pained look in your eyes.

A sad smile appeared in my lips and I hugged Clarke tighter.

-I've been such a stupid asshole, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm going to ask for it, I'm being selfish but I don't know what I am supposed to do without it.

-Of course I forgive you, Clarke. You are one of the only people in who I can trust; and I also don't forget that you forgave me too when I failed you. The only thing I need to know is that you are really sorry.

Kissing softly her hair, I kept on talking.

-But you need to know that sometimes I could not be Lexa, that sometimes I will need to act against of who I am to secure the survival of my people. Will you still be at my side in those moments?

Clarke finally raised her head, her eyes red and swelled. Instead of answering me, she rested her forehead on mine, without touching the scar forming on the left side of my face. After a hesitant moment, Clarke joined her lips with mine.

We remained there for a few minutes until I hear Clarke yawing and I came with an idea.

-Clarke, follow me.

-I don't know what is happening but okay.

I guided her through some more platforms until we entered a small room

-Anya and I used to come here after our training, when I finished them and after Costia's death I decided to add a small bedroom where I could go whenever I need some time to relax.

-This place is just perfect, Lexa.

She looked around the room, the roof was made of tarps and the bed of fur sheets and some pillows.

-You are the first person to come here, so I'm glad you like it.

-You never brought someone here?

-No.

-Then I need to use it for the first time right now!

She threw herself into the bed and I followed her laying slowly.

-Thank you, for everything.

-I have told you before, you don't need to thank me for anything.

Clarke changed her position, she was now standing on top of me, one of her legs between my thighs. She started to kiss me carefully, her mouth leaving a trail of kissed until she reached my neck.

When Clarke moves her hands under my shirt, I swallowed.

_Why am I nervous? I never get nervous, control yourself._

A shiver went through my body when Clarke's hands moved just underneath my breasts and she bit slightly my neck. Clarke stopped.

-Sorry, I was carried along.

I felt so exposed, so helpless at times like these, yet when I looked at Clarke, I felt at peace.

-Don't be sorry, Clarke.

After observing me for a while, Clarke finally spoke.

-If you want me to stop, just tell me, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to upload an update on Thursday/Friday so, see you then!
> 
> Hope you liked it :)


	14. Lucky ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some problems but here is the chapter, finally.  
> This is my first attempt to write smut, so please don’t hate me too much.  
> Title from Lucky ones by Lana del Rey.

I nodded and she carefully took off my shirt. Her hand went straight to my chest scar; her eyes filling up with tears. I moved my hands to her cheeks.  
-Shh, it’s okay Clarke, everything is alright.  
I tried to soothe her while I caught her tears.  
-It is just that I have done such horrible things, things I thought I would never do, I feel like I am not me anymore…  
More tears fell from her eyes, running down my hands.  
-I don’t know who I am anymore…  
-Clarke.  
-What?  
-That’s who you are. You are Clarke Griffin, the woman who fell from the sky with 99 more people. The woman who did everything she could to save them even when they couldn’t see the truth under the mask of the mountain men. The woman who was capable of make an alliance with the leader of thousands of warriors. You are the reason why your friends are alive today, you are the reason why the reapers and the ones who were once in jails will go back with their families tomorrow.  
After pausing for a moment a recollect all my courage and added a last sentence.  
-You are the reason why the Commander of the twelve clans believes once more that love is not weakness.  
Clarke locked her eyes with mine, her eyes shining once more reflecting the stars and the moon.  
She leaned forward until our noses touched and she kissed me; the taste of the kiss was somehow salty but it was also the sweetest of all of them. When she pulled away she whispered a weak ‘thank you’.  
After several minutes kissing and when Clarke finally relaxed, her intentions changed, I noticed it when she bit my bottom lip and her hands were once more just behind my bandages.  
-Can I?  
I stood up a little to let her take off the bandages. Once they were off, Clarke observed me for a moment and then kissed me again.  
She left a trail of kisses from my mouth going to my jaw then my neck until she reached my scar and then one of my breasts.  
I gasped and closed my eyes while she moved her lips and hands from one breast to another.  
After some minutes Clarke stopped and kissed me on my lips again. After taking off her shirt, she reached to one of my hands and held it. The other one went down until she stopped at the waistband of my pants.  
-Are you ready?  
I noticed how Clarke was looking at me, she was being so careful with every move. It was supposed to upset me but feeling that I could be exposed near her, was priceless.  
-Yes.  
She took off my pants and underwear with both hands, she softly kissed my butterfly tattoo and my lips afterwards.  
Just then she moved her hand under my stomach, while she held my hand again.  
A low moan escaped my mouth when her fingers brushed my clit.  
She started with a slow motion, doing small circles around my clit, until she went down. I was already panting and breathing uncontrollably when I felt one of her fingers near my entry.  
She looked at me again and I nodded. When she put one finger inside of me, she swallowed my moans kissing me.  
She kept and steady rhythm while I got lost in the sensations. When she added a second finger and curled them inside of me, I couldn’t focus on anything else. I held her hand tighter.  
I don’t know how much time passed until my back arched, I reached my limit and whispered her name.  
I was a panting mess during several minutes until I finally caught my breath. When I opened my eyes I found Clarke looking at me, a sweet smile covering her face and she kissed my forehead and lay down beside me.  
I got carried by the sight of Clarke and stood up, changing our past positions, Clarke looked shocked for a moment when she saw me on top of her. I didn’t know what to do so I imitated Clarke’s actions. When she was finally naked I took a moment to observe her, she was just perfect. After that I put two finger inside of her, she sunk her nails in my back slightly.  
Several minutes passed and I began to move faster, curling my fingers; I bit her neck and pushed my thumb against her clit, applying some pressure; that’s all she needed to cum underneath me, her scratching my back, her body clenched around my fingers while I began to slow my thrusts until I removed my fingers. Clarke kept her eyes closed.  
I moved away from her and embraced her from behind, kissing her shoulder. When she finally caught her breath, she spoke, her words almost an inaudible whisper.  
-I love you.  
My eyes started to water, I thought I would never feel something like this, that the world was only an empty place where I was the Commander.  
-I love you too, and… I think the world is less bad because of you.  
She grabbed my hands and pushed us closer.  
-Rest well.  
-You too.  
I didn’t wanted to fall asleep but I suddenly felt my body so tired, I couldn’t help it.  
Next day I woke up when I heard a loud roar and I felt Clarke jumping and holding me tighter, almost leaving me breathless. We must have changed positions at some point during night.  
-Lexa, what the fuck is that?! We are going to die!  
-Clarke I can’t breathe.  
-I don’t care! We are going to die, a beast is going to murder us, while we are naked. And then it will eat us!  
I began to laugh.  
-Clarke that roar belongs to Sheidgeda.  
In that moment Clarke finally seemed to realise. She stood up and started rambling.  
-Oh my god! She guided me through the woods and I let her down there all alone. I’m such a terrible person.  
I stood up too and embraced her from behind, my arms around her waist and my head resting on her shoulder.  
-Don’t worry Clarke, se protected us all night, I’m sure she is not mad at you.  
-Well if you say so…  
She let her weight fall over me, but I wasn’t expecting that so we fell, my back colliding with the ground behind the sheets.  
-Lexa! I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have done that. Are you alright?  
I answered between gasps.  
-My back, I hit the ground pretty hard.  
Clarke looked at me, her eyes full of regret and guilt. I didn’t like it so I came out with an idea to try to make her smile.  
-Maybe you can give me a massage? I think that will help me a lot.  
Her face lit up immediately.  
-Of course! Let me help you to move.  
When I was finally face down she sat next to me and began the massage.  
-I’m sorry for… hum… the scratches…  
-Don’t worry, it’s okay… Last night was… perfect.  
-Yes. You know that I meant what I said, right?  
I moved my head to face her and noticed the insecurity on her face, I smiled at her.  
-Yes, I know and I meant it too, Clarke.  
She smiled back and kissed my back, the room fell in a comfortable silence.  
At the beginning it hurt but after some minutes I felt my body relaxing.  
-What does it mean?  
Clarke ended the silence.  
-What?  
-Your back tattoo, what does it mean?  
-It is the reason why I became Heda. When the former one dies, her or his spirit choose the next one giving the chosen one a vision. The next day after the public ceremony of the past Heda funeral, all the ones who had a vision must give the design of their vision to the elders who go to the Sacred Mountain to check which of all is the same as the on the spirit engraved in the inside of the mountain.  
Clarke stopped moving her hands which I missed terribly.  
-You believe that a spirit gives your people visions, and then it engraves the same design in a cave. But anybody could engrave the design the night before!  
-No, the cave only opens its doors when the eight elders use their amulets to unlock it.  
-That’s pretty shocking… and awkward but also interesting. Does it have a meaning? These symbol… are they Trigedasleng?  
-No, they come from and ancient language, the meaning is only known by the one who bear the tattoo.  
Clarke hesitated before asking.  
-Can I know the meaning of yours?  
-Yes, it says Conqueror of Wisdom.  
Clarke chuckled.  
-What is so funny?  
-It’s only that it totally matches you. Kane said you were a visionary and only wise people can be that.  
-Oh, thank you Clarke, it means a lot that you think I’m worth the title.  
-No problem.  
She answered smiling at me. She kept giving me the massage and I closed my eyes. Suddenly she stopped at my sides and started to move her fingers around them.  
I didn’t know what she was doing.  
-Are you enjoying my ribs Clarke?  
She grunted.  
-I thought you could be ticklish so I could torture you but I was wrong.  
I turned and looked at her while she answered me with a pout.  
-So you are ticklish and you thought I should be too?  
-Yes, I mean no, of course not.  
In a quick move, I threw myself over her. She fell and I started tickling her; although she tried to move she couldn’t because of my weight on top of her.  
-I thought your back was aching!  
-Yes, but thanks to your massage I’m feeling much better.  
I said with an evil smile while I kept tickling her. Clarke tried to escape while she moved from one side to another until her knee collide between my inner thighs. I shuddered and stopped my hands. Clarke changed her expression, now showing a superior grin.  
-Well, well Lexa, we are even now.  
She said lifting her knew a little more. I grabbed her sides.  
-Stop Clarke.  
-Why? Maybe if you admit that I am the winner…  
I clenched my teeth. I could keep trying to tickle her but then she would start moving again… I sighed.  
-You win…  
-I didn’t hear you.  
-I said you win, Clarke.  
I repeated a little bit louder.  
-Where is my prize?  
She asked me smiling. I smiled at her too and leaned forward and I kissed her. When our kisses started to get more passionate we heard a voice.  
-Lexa? Are you up there? We didn’t see Clarke since yesterday night and everyone is getting a little worried. Have you seen her or do you know where did she go?  
It was Octavia. Clarke froze so I grabbed a blanket and put my upper body out the wooden room to speak to Octavia.  
-Hello Octavia, I know where Clarke is, she is actually here with me.  
-What?! Lexa why did you tell her?  
-Well because you trust her, don’t you?  
We were interrupted by Octavia screaming.  
-You didn’t! Clarke tell me you didn’t sleep with the Commander!  
Clarke appeared at my side, her face red like a tomato.  
-Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it wasn’t so bad D:  
> I will have another chapter tomorrow, I promise!


	15. Girls just wanna have fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update, short but holidays are holidays!
> 
> Title from Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper

-I can't believe this, I must be dreaming. I can't wait to tell this to everyone.

-Don't! Octavia you can't.

-Really? Just watch me!

And with that Octavia started running.

-Lexa do something!

-Sheidgeda, catch her!

Sheidgeda started to run behind Octavia while I began to get dressed. Clarke followed my steps.

-Do you need help with the bandages?

-If you don't mind…

-Of course not.

-What a change Clarke, some days ago you could barely look at me with my shirt off.

-Maybe because I saw you completely naked and under my mercy, Commander.

She answered winking at me after grapping my bandages around my chest. I felt my cheeks heating up.

-Cat got your tongue, Lex?

I shifted looking uncomfortable and Clarke noticed it.

-Ey, it was a joke, don't be mad please.

She raised her hand to catch mine but stopped halfway, fearing that I would reject her. I raised mine and held hers.

-It's not that Clarke -I sighed- It's just that I must be always the one in charge, the leader, acting like if I were made of stone and being with you is the opposite; and it scares me…

-I'm sorry if it bothered you…

-It didn't bothered me Clarke, in any case it had been one of the best moments in my life, with you I can be just me and it feels good to let my guard down with you.

I pulled her into a hug, as if she would disappear at any moment.

-I never thought you would be the cuddling type, you seemed always so distant.

-I'm just checking last night wasn't a dream.

-Well I can assure you, it wasn't.

-We should finish getting dressed and go find if Sheidgeda caught Octavia.

-Yes, but please, don't hurt her, she can look annoying but if we talk with her, she will understand, I'm sure.

-We will see.

Just when we climb off the trees, we spotted Sheidgeda, dragging Octavia from her jacket, coming where we were standing.

-Let me go! Stupid big cat, just let me go!

Sheidgeda dropped her and I grabbed her by her jacket collar and pushed her against a tree.

-Let's have a talk, Octavia.

-Wha-what do you want?

-where were you going?

-I was going back to Camp Jaha…

-But you were going there to do something Clarke didn't want you to do, and you are her friend, right?

-Ye-yes I am her friend.

She was terrified and I was enjoying this so much that I almost felt pity for her, almost. Clarke stayed behind me while I talked with Octavia.

-As far as I know friends support each other, they do not do anything to harm other friends. May I ask you to stop what you were going to do?

-Like I have another choice…0

I pushed her harder.

-Fine fine! I won't tell anybody! But stop doing this, you are scaring me!

I released Octavia but she started to punch me. We ended up on the ground, I was trying to stop her fists when Clarke spoke.

-Octavia what are you doing?! Stop right now! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

-She was acting like a bitch, she scared the crap out of me.

I got tired so I hit her face with my forehead and she fell to one side, covering her face with her hands.

-It will be so easy to kill you right now for hitting me, and you know, nobody would defend you.

I stood up and was ready to start hitting again when Clarke held me from behind, all the rage I was feeling vanished.

-Lexa, stop, she just got carried by her feelings, she is not like that and you know it. And you Octavia, you can't start hitting Lexa, she is the leader of thousands of people, you can't just start a fight with her because she scared you, are you five years old?

I reached for Octavia and offered her my hand, she hesitated for a moment but she caught it. After helping her to stand up, she spoke.

-I am sorry, I had an argument with Lincoln and I have been angry since yesterday night…

-What happened?

-He doesn't want me to go to Polis and I told him I know how to defend myself but he kept saying he won't allow me to go so I left him in the middle of the party and I haven't seen him since then…

-Did he tell you why he doesn't want you to go?

I asked her because I knew the reason Licnoln didn't want to bring her with us.

-No, he just said he wouldn't let me, nothing more.

-I know Lincoln and I know his reason, but I have not right to tell you his story, that's something you have to speak with him.

-I guess I will have to ask him, thanks by the way and I'm sorry for attacking you like that.

-Do not worry, Octavia, I won't kill Indra's second.

The three of us laughed and started to walk back to Camp Jaha. When we arrived at the doors, I stopped.

-I have one last thing to talk with you Clarke, you can stay Octavia.

-Okay.

-What is it?

-When we argued, you told me you wouldn't come back to my camp and wouldn't go to Polis with me… do you still think that way?

Octavia elbowed Clarke and taunted her.

-Yes Princess, will you make Lexa cry?

-Shut up Octavia. Lexa what I said was wrong, I misjudged you and didn't gave you the benefit of the doubt so of course I'm going with you, I thought I made it pretty clear last night, I will stay with you no matter what.

-I think I'm going to throw up.

-You should go to the infirmary, do you need me to carry you?

Octavia brought her hand to her face while Clarke laughed.

-Okay… it's one of your strange expressions. By the way, I'm pleased with your words Clarke.

I gave her a short smile and she gave me another one.

-Seeing you acting this way feels so wrong, but it is kind of reassuring to know that you are also a person, it makes it easier to talk with you and forge a relationship.

-I will take it as a compliment Octavia.

-You should Commander Heart Eyes.

She said chuckling while I looked at her totally pissed off.

-I almost forgot; Clarke, Octavia, before we go to Polis Indra and I are going to a little lake to rest and also to say goodbye for Indra will stay here watching TonDC rebuild, you can join us if you want and bring some people with you but not many…

-I don't have good experiences with lakes…

-Don't worry it won't have monsters, Lexa?

-No, it doesn't have monsters.

-See? We will be there, what time?

-2PM.

-Okay, see you later!

And with that Clarke got near me and kissed me before running into the camp, Octavia looked amused at me and followed Clarke.

This was going to be entertaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next time :D


	16. Stupid little things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16: Stupid little things
> 
> A lot of talking on this chapter!
> 
> Title from Stupid little things by Anastacia

After leaving Camp Jaha, I went to my camp in order to find Indra. I found her near my tent talking with some warriors.

-Indra, I need to speak with you.

-Can you wait a moment, Heda?

-Of course.

Indra gave some orders to the warriors and then dismissed them.

-What do you need?

I looked interested at her. I had expected her to ask me about last night since she hadn't seen me until now, but she just went straight to my request.

-Do you remember we were going to the Crystal Lake?

-Yes, I do.

-I invited Clarke and some of her friends, since she is coming with me, I mean, with us, to Polis, they could relax before we departure to the city.

Indra observed me while I directed my eyes to everywhere but Indra's eyes. She knew, I was sure she knew something had happened between Clarke and me.

-You are telling me that something happened last night and now Clarke is coming with you, to Polis, when you told me some days ago that she wasn't coming back to this camp nor Polis. Interesting… I don't mind if they come on the condition that they won't cause any racket, I want to relax before taking care of everything here.

-I will warn them, do not worry.

I answered her completely ignoring all she had said about Clarke.

-You know I noticed that you ignored me, Heda.

-I don't know what you are talking about.

-What did happen last night? You are my superior, I can't oblige you to tell me what you did but I can sense something big happened.

I hesitated, I knew Indra could keep the secret but I also knew that she was supposed to help me lead my people and she probably would kill me… Everything was so complicated.

-I assisted to the party but I went to Anya's place after going away from Camp Jaha… I fell asleep but Clarke woke me up. She apologized after Diaval told her about Kira and then we…

Indra was looking at me, expectant. I took a deep breath and finished my story.

-We slept together.

Indra went rigid, I was thinking about two possible ways this could end: Indra murdering me or Indra murdering Clarke, right now I was the closest one. But instead of using violence, she relaxed and spoke slowly.

-You slept together, you had slept for the first time with Clarke, last night.

-Yes.

-And was it something isolated or did it have a deeper meaning for both of you?

-She told me she loves me and I said it back. She told me she will stay by my side even when I will have to act against my principles. She makes me feel so many things, things I thought I would never be able to feel after Costia. I feel safe when I am with her, I find peace when I'm near her.

-I know.

-You know?

-Of course I know, Heda. I'm not blind and I know you too well to see the little light your eyes have when you are with her or speak about her.

-But you dislike her, you don't trust the Sky People and me being in a relationship with Clarke could mean so many problems…

-I don't dislike Clarke, at least not now because she has probed she is a strong one. But I also know that people who carry a heavy weight over their shoulders do not need to falter, that's why I'm not going easy on her, as well as I didn't go easy on you, but that is my job, my job is to stay strong, immovable when you need help or when you hesitate so you can see and decidewhich choice you really want to take. I know Clarke is synonymous of troubles but the heart wants what it wants and you know sometimes you can't put your head over it. If you feel that Clarke is worth it, then don't hesitate Heda, the past is long away and the future is too dark to try to understand it unless you start to light its path from the present.

-Mochof, Indra.

I said leaning my hand so she could shake it.

-I only have one more question for you.

-Expound it.

-Do you want to keep it as a secret?

-I don't know, a part of me wants to be with her no matter if we are in public or private but I also know that it can be dangerous for my people may won't accept it as well asClarke's people.

-You must speak with her then and rather sooner than later.

-I'm aware of it, my plan is to discuss it with her in the lake.

-We will see then, don't worry about it, you can't control it until the time comes. I have to watch TonDC rebuild so I will see you later.

-Goodbye Indra.

I walked to my tent and sat on my throne while I let time pass. What Indra said left me with so many things to think about. I was so deep in thoughts that I didn't notice someone entering my tent, just when I felt someone grabbing my shoulder I came back to reality pushing the person who grabbed me to the ground pointing my knife to her neck… Wait, Clarke?

-I am so sorry Clarke, I didn't mean to hurt you.

I stood up and walked backwards until I hit a table. Clarke stood up too and followed my steps.

-Lexa, don't worry. I'm fine, I'm sorry if I scared you, I saw you absent and I thought I could wake you up but I totally forgot you are a trained warrior ready to fight back any surprise attack.

-I almost hurt you, I didn't hesitate to point a knife at you…

-I will repeat it again, I'm fine, nothing happened, come on Lex, please…

A small smirk crept through my lips.

-I like it when you call me that.

-Oh I didn't know that, Lex.

She pressed her body against mine, pushing me further into the table.

-I feel like I have already lived this moment before.

-Maybe this time ends differently.

I gave her a wicked smile before changing our positions, Clarke gasping in the process.

-What the, how do you do that?

-Do what Clarke?

-You just move me like I am made of paper, it isn't fair.

-I told you I will train you don't worry Clarke. Although I don't think you will ever surpass me.

-Ha ha ha, so funny…

-Don't get mad Clarke.

I said kissing her, moving my mouth to her jaw and then to her neck, biting slightly her pulse point.

-We shouldn't be doing this in your tent.

She said sighing contently while I put my hands on her waist and she put her arms around my neck.

I was lost in Clarke's scent until I heard someone coughing uncomfortable. Clarke jumped pushing me away from her.

-Hello Indra.

Clarke greeted her.

-I'm sorry if I interrupted something.

Indra said, her tone tinged with amusement.

-Oh no, we weren't, we were just, we didn't…

-Clarke Indra is just messing with you, I already told her everything.

Clarke was now looking shocked at me.

-You told her!? Everything? Oh my God, don't kill me please.

Indra and I started laughing.

-I'm not going to kill anybody Clarke, my Heda told me you care about her and, since I trust her, I believe in you too.

Clarke reminded silent for some time.

-I am dreaming, right? This can't be happening…

I hugged her.

-You are not dreaming, Indra is not like you think she is. She may seems cold but she is one of the most caring people I have ever met.

-You are both the same then.

-Oh no, don't compare me to her or I will have to murder you for disrespectful.

Clarke went pale because of the cold tone Indra used and I started laughing again.

-She is joking.

-I don't like your sense of humour… By the way let's get going to that lake, I invited Monty, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy and Echo. Then Diaval and Sheidgeda joined us so they are all waiting outside.

-Yes, I saw them, none of them was brave enough to enter the tent, it was kind of entertaining to watch.

-Since you are all here, let's go.

We went outside and I led the way to the lake while everyone caught the food.

After half an hour we were in the lake, Clarke and her companions looked captivated by the view. They went to try the water while Indra started to shout.

-We are leaving at 16:30 so you all can get ready to go to polis at 17:30.

-Is it too far away from here?

I heard Clarke asking me from behind, I turned to answer her when I saw that she was only wearing her underwear. I swallowed hard.

_Focus._

-Someone is speechless, Earth to Lexa?

-Sorry, it's at one day travel, we will go to a nearby village to spend the night there and then we will reach Polis at nine PM tomorrow more or less.

-That's a long travel…

-But it's less tedious in good company, isn't it?

She smiled at me.

-Definitely.

I wanted to hug her but I didn't know if I should do it. I didn't know if Clarke wanted everyone to know. I began to get stressed when I felt Clarke hugging me.

-I can see the smoke leaving your head.

I touched my head and Clarke started to laugh.

-It was a metaphor, Lex, it means you are overthinking something.

-It is just that… ugh, I don't know if you want to make our relationship public or not and I also understand if you don't want to. My people will accept you because they believe I'm wise enough to choose my partner but you must know that they will see you as an important figure, and that will put you in more danger and I don't want you to you to get hurt, so-

-Stop right there, Lexa. I love you and I don't care anymore what people think about that, I realised it when you stopped Octavia from telling the others. I thought, "You have been living in hell most of your life so, fuck everything."

I smiled at that while she kept speaking.

-I know it will be difficult but there is only one life and I'm not going to waste it worrying about stupid little things I'm not sure about when I already know I love you.

I turned now facing her and kissed her briefly.

-Let's enjoy this chance.

-Yep.

As I got undressed, Clarke's mouth fell open.

-Close your mouth, Clarke.

I said grinning at her.

-You are wearing a bra.

-Yes Clarke, we have them, but bandages are more practical.

-Not always… I said aloud, didn't I?

-Yes.

As Clarke sighed, we heard Octavia and Monty shouting from the water.

-Stop being so gross and come here already, we found a ball and Bellamy brought it with us so we are going to play!

-You can do all the nasty things when you reach Polis!

Clarke sighed, her cheeks turning red.

-To have friends for this…

I walked until I reached the shore, everybody looked at me and then continued what they were doing.

-I may need to order someone to torture all of you so we can all be happy and act like respectablepeople.

The splashing stopped immediately.

-Such a killjoy…

I heard Monty whispering to Diaval earning a tackle of Sheidgeda.

-Hey! Okay, sorry …

Monty said when he looked to who had pushed him.

-You are so cruel.

Clarke told me while she hugged me from behind.

-I just love to threat your people, is how I have fun.

We played with the ball afterwards, it was kind of entertaining. Then we ate and laid down for a while.

Clarke and I were under the shadow of a tree, my back against it, and Clarke between thighs, her head resting on my lap.

-I wish I could spend all my days like this …

I stroke her hair softly.

-I know Clarke, I wish for it everyday too…

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I was looking at Abby while she looked back at me like we were having a duel outside Camp Jaha.

-Okaay, you can now stop trying to kill each other with your glances. I will be fine mom. Octavia, Monty and Bellamy are coming with me and I also have this walkie-talkie.

-You also have the Commander, she will surely stay very close to you, won't she?

Abbigail Griffin in overprotecting mother mode was scaring but I didn't get scared. Clarke was going to answer when I cut her.

-Yes, she will be under my protection because I care about her.

I looked at her trying to show her all my resolve.

-Because I love her, I will do everything I can to ensure her well-being. I have finally find my light, I'm not letting it extinguish.

-There, you finally said it, enjoy your travel Clarke, we will meet next week to talk about the Alliance and everything that had happened.

Abby hugged Clarke and went inside the camp.

-What did just happen?

-She just wanted you to show how you feel.

-I know now that all your family is wicked.

I said finally breathing calmly.

-Oh come on, you are the all mighty Commander, nothing can scare you.

-So funny Clarke …

-Come on, everyone is waiting for us.

She said kissing my cheek and walking to the horses. I sighed and followed her.

We rode until we reached the village, they let us some rooms to share. Monty, Diaval, Sheidgeda and the thirty former reapers who wanted to see their families stayed in a long tent while Octavia, Lincoln, Echo and Bellamy stayed in one of their rooms.

Clarke and I stayed in the biggest room, the one with a bed. Advantages of being their Heda.

-Will I be able to design a tattoo for you?

-Of course you can, When did you start painting?

-I used to paint a lot when I was in my cell but I think I have always loved art.

-You were in a cell, I didn't know.

That night Clarke told me her story about her father, why he was executed and why she was imprisoned.

-That is a very intense story, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

-What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

-Even so, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

-Don't worry, it was kind of a relief to talk about it.

I held her closer and we fell asleep.

When I woke up I found Clarke sleeping next to me and I just stared at her until she finally opened her eyes and kissed me while I smiled between kisses.

We continued our journey, and we finally reached Polis after hours of Clarke repeating time after time "how much longer?"

I just looked at her as we entered the city, her eyes glowing with excitement as she took in the sights in front of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so evil, you have to wait till next Monday to know how Polis looks like :(


	17. Coming home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Coming home by Skylar Grey
> 
> Sorry for not updating last Monday, I had family problems and I wasn't in the mood to write.

_**Clarke's POV** _

We passed by a huge iron door, guarded by warriors and archers, I saw a large tunnel lit with torches and I also noticed that in both walls around us there were strips and inside of them there were, crossbows? This was the perfect trap, small place full of small holes with crossbows ready to be shot.

-Is this tunnel the only way to get in the city?

I asked Lexa while I kept looking at the gaps and the crossbows.

-You will see in no time, Clarke.

-This is kind of claustrophobic…

-Just a little more and you will see the city, I'm here with you, don't worry Clarke.

There she was using again my name, it was like she just enjoyed saying it. The way she said it made my body feel strange things.

-You are always using my name, every, single, time.

The corner of her lips lifted up forming a small smile which disappeared instantly.

-Maybe I enjoy the sound of your name, Clarke.

She answered me in a whisper, I shivered but I also observed how she lowered her voice instead of speaking like she was doing a minute ago.

-You have already told my mother we are… like together so why are you whispering now? I thought you agreed with me to not to hide our… relationship.

I didn't even know how to call our relationship, were we dating? Were we girlfriends? Did her culture have a special name or tradition for these cases? I was getting stressed when I felt someone holding my hand.

-I didn't mean to offend you Clarke, but I have been too long hiding my feelings, my emotions; understand that this is not easy for me, but I'm trying, I really want to make this work.

-I understand, I just freaked out a little, I thought you changed your mind which is stupid because you already told me you loved me as I told you too, so forget everything I said, none of this ever happe-

-Clarke, look up.

I couldn't take my eyes of the city in front me, I had just expected a bigger TonDC not what I was seeing right now.

People in Polis lived inside a mountain, but it wasn't the same as Mount Weather. They lived inside an enormous mountain with also an enormous hole on its peak. You could see the sky, the sun, the clouds, the stars… Only this view was incredible enough to take my breath away but there were more astonishing things. First of all, I could see the sea and it was so much better that what I read in books. It was only a small portion of the sea but all I wanted to do was to descend the mountain to see it closer, even from the distance I could smell its scent.

The houses and buildings where part of the mountain. We were standing in the upper level, where most of the houses were dug around the mountain and I also could see more tunnels.

Last but not least, the structure of the rest of the houses followed a grandstand formation. First, there was a ring of soil where people walked, talked and played. The houses were built in the interior curve of each ring. Each house had an entrance in one level and then another one in the level below. People could also go down or up thanks to stairs and ramps. It was similar to a giant Roman theatre with houses in the different levels and in the lowest one, the sea instead of the scenario.

The city was captivating at night, torches and lamps illuminated the mountain while a few people walked through the city and the warriors mounted guard.

-Lexa this is, uh, this is…-I was speechless.

-I told you Polis would change the way you thought about us.

She answered me smiling shyly.

-And I told you that you already had but, yeah, this is a whole new level of your culture, it is so amazing, if somebody had told me about this place before I saw it, I probably had say it was unbelievable.

-You surely want to go to the sea so we can go to my home and then you can bring your friends to a small trip on a boat tomorrow, once we have rested, what do you say?

I almost kissed her right there but using the little self-control I had left, I started jumping.

-Of course! The sooner we reach the dormitories the sooner I get on a boat!

_**Lexa's POV** _

I looked amused at Clarke and I tried to recall the first time I reached Polis. I was 5 and I reacted the same way she was reacting now.

-You should know there are some really big animals living inside the ocean, and they are very dangerous.

-I have nothing to worry about, I have the Commander by my side.

Clarke answered me, biting her lip while she got closer to me and just when I thought she was going to kiss me, she stopped and stepped aside. I looked at her, confused and she pointed her head to look behind me. I turned and found some people who were greeting us, most of them familiars of the former reapers who were looking for a familiar face.

And old woman came toward us after she hugged one of them, her face still stained with fresh tears of happiness.

-Heda, you brought my son back home when I thought I had lost him for good, I don't know how I would be able to repay you for all you have done for us.

I doubted for a moment but I hold Clarke's hand and then the old woman's hand and joined them before I spoke.

-If you want to express your gratitude to the person who saved your loved ones, you have her right here. This is Clarke from the Sky People, she is the reason why the mountain men are no longer a threat and also the reason the ones who were once reapers are now here with us.

Clarke and the old woman looked at each other, the older one reached for Clarke and hugged her.

-Thank you so much, I thought I had lost my grandson and now I can see him one more time.

Tears began to run through Clarke's face and she got closer to the woman.

-Thanks to you too, for making me see that at least, I did something good when I was surrounded by death.

I took a deep breath when I heard Clarke pronouncing those words, I knew she still carried a lot of grief but watching her realised that she also had done good things, was a big step to overcome her problem.

-Which is your name?

The old lady got away from Clarke, still holding her hand, and answered me.

-Keira.

-Tomorrow we will have a banquet, I would like to speak more with you there, but for now we need to rest.

-Of course, I won't retain you, rest well, you deserve it.

She got closer to me and I lowered myself so I could hear her whisper to me.

-I can see you found the right person for you, Heda.

I looked at her, shocked while she smiled at me and returned with her grandson.

-Such a lovely woman.

Clarke said.

-And extremely wise.

-Why?

Clarke looked at me, startled.

-She knew the moment she saw us that we are together, I don't know how.

Clarke started to laugh.

-So you really don't know.

-Know what?

-Every time you speak about me to other people, you give them the famous heart eyes but you really don't realise it.

I blushed and touched my neck, nervously directing my eyes anywhere but Clarke.

-I didn't know I do such things, I guess Octavia was right when she spoke about those glares…

-Wow, Octavia told you about them and you didn't kill her, you are friends and I didn't know.

-Friends? I was only under the effects of the painkillers, Octavia and I are not friends, no.

In that moment Octavia decided to show up, grabbing her arm around my shoulders.

-As much as I like all this attention, I am terribly tired so, can you guide us to our dorms?

Octavia requested yawing while Clarke looked more and more amused as time passed.

-Totally not friends.

I interrupted her coughing and started to walk.

-Follow me, I will show you the way…

Most of the warriors who came with us went to their houses so we were now fourteen people.

We entered the Commander building, Sheidgeda and Diaval ran to hug Kira who was waiting near the entrance. After Sheidgeda stopped licking her, she reached for me and embraced me tightly.

-When Diaval told me you were injured I was so afraid… I am so relieved now that I finally got to see you safe and sound.

-I am glad to see you too Kira.

We pulled away and I introduced everyone.

-Kira, they are some of the people who fell from the sky, they are Bellamy, Monty, Octavia and Clarke. You already knew Lincoln and she is Echo, she was part of the Ice Nation until we saved her and her son, Skiler.

I noticed Kira flinched when I mentioned the Ice Nation but she recomposed herself and greeted everybody, taking more time with Clarke.

-You are Clarke.

-Yes I am.

-Interesting.

-Ah… sure?

The tension between both of them began to grow so I decided to distract Kira changing the topic.

-Does my father know I am here?

-He knew you were coming but he went to sleep.

-Just as I expected, he never was here when I came back in the past, so why change now?

I gave Kira a sad smile and turned my head to look to everyone.

-Kira will lead you to your rooms, I recommend you to rest, tomorrow we will see the city and we will have a celebration afterwards. Clarke, you come with me.

Octavia was going to speak but Bellamy covered her mouth, dragging her with the rest of them. The bodyguards stayed near the front door and Clarke and I went upstairs.

-Everything is made from wood, and it is perfectly carved.

Clarke said while we went through the different corridors of the house. All the houses were adorned with shields, weapons, tools and also symbols which belonged to the different clans, hierarchies or even important families.

-Woodworkers are very important in our culture, everybody respects them.

-I can see why.

Clarke answered me, still looking at the intricate designs. We reached my bedroom and opened the door for Clarke, she smiled.

-You are so chivalrous.

-I try my best.

I said smirking at her.

After we entered the room, we started to unpack everything we brought with us and Clarke contacted with Camp Jaha.

-Can anyone hear me?

After some seconds, Raven answered Clarke.

-Yes, Raven here, how are you doing Clarke, have you already used the Commander's bed?

Clarke's face turned red, I picked the strange object and spoke.

-The state of my bed is not of your concern, Raven from the Sky People.

The communicator went silent for several seconds until we heard Abby speaking.

-Raven went outside the room screaming something about being dead, what happened?

-She offended Lexa's bed.

Clarke answered chuckling.

-I understand that you already reached Polis and I don't want to know anything more… We will speak tomorrow when you have… rested…

Clarke was now crying and holding her stomach because of her laughter so I said goodbye to Abby who turned off the communicator rather quickly.

-I don't know what is so funny.

-Tomorrow I will maybe explain it to you, but for now, let me check your wounds and let's go to sleep.

-I was thinking about taking a bath before we sleep, if that's fine with you.

-That's a great idea, I feel like if I had been sleeping with animals.

I began to take my clothes off when Clarke stopped me.

-What are you doing?!

-I told you, we could take a bath, so I'm getting undressed so you can take care of my wounds and bath afterwards.

I answered her.

-Okay… I will go grab all I need to treat them…

Clarke turned to search her stuff while I took off my armour, t-shirt and pants.

-I'll begin with your face.

-Okay.

She observed my face, touched a few times the wound and finally spoke.

-It is totally closed so I'm going to remove the stire strips. You will have a scar for some time, it will may disappear or it will remain, I'm not sure.

-I don't care about if it leaves a scar, Clarke. It will be just another one.

I smiled at her, she smiled back and kissed me before she started to work on it.

-They are kind of hot, you know.

-If you keep being so romantic I will blush.

We both laughed and she kept on with her work. She removed my thigh's stire strips as well and observed the scar of my chest after she confirmed my ribs were healthy.

-I'm done, everything is fine, and your back doesn't hurt, does it?

-No, my back is fine.

-We can go to take that beautiful bath then.

-Can you please undo my braids first?

-Yep.

When my hair was finally loosed, I opened the bathroom's door and let Clarke enter first.

-This bathroom is perfect!

The bathroom contained a large room with some shelves, a sink with a mirror, another door which lead to the toilet and at the end a big rectangular bathtub connected to the rest of the room by three steps.

-That's so similar to a jacuzzi.

-A jacuz- what?

-Oh I have seen pictures of them they are like huge bathtubs with mechanisms which make bubbles and some other things.

-Well… this only can be filled with water, nothing more…

I pouted and Clarke hugged me.

-If you go inside of it, I think I would prefer it rather to any jacuzzi.

-I can do that.

I answered her, taking off the rest of my clothes and filling the bathtub with water. Clarke also got undressed.

We stayed in silence for some minutes, my back against the bathtub and Clarke between my legs sighing contently.

I heard the door of my bedroom being opened and Octavia speaking.

-Clarke, are you there?

-Yes I'm in the bathroom, do you need something?

-Kira wanted to know where is Lexa to speak with her, do you have any idea?

Before Clarke could answer I started to lower one of my hands till I reached for her center and whispered to her.

-Tell her I'm here and I will have to stop and go with Kira, you decide… Clarke.

I bit slightly her earlobe before saying her name and enjoyed how I made her shiver.

-She said she was going to talk to her brother, maybe she is still with him.

I started to do small circles around her clit while I started to play with one of her nipples with my other hand.

-I will go to see if she is with him… Polis is a nice place, isn't it?

Clarke was starting to breathe irregularly, her lips letting small moans escape from her mouth.

-Yes… I didn't expect it to be… so huge and different from TonDC.

I moved my fingers lower and rested them on her entrance.

-It's so much better than the Ark or Camp Jaha, do you think I could live here?

-I guess you will have to ask Lexa but-She gasped instead of forming more words when I pushed two fingers inside of her.

-I didn't hear you, what did you say?

I moved my hand to her other breast while my finger exited and entered her sex and she finally spoke.

-I said… you should ask Lexa but… she will probably let you…

-Are you okay? You are speaking a little weirdly.

-Yes, I'm fine, just tired.

She answered trough ragged breathe.

-Okay… Well I will see you tomorrow in that boat trip Lexa planned for us.

I began to move my fingers faster and deeper.

-B-b-bye…

No longer after Octavia closed the door Clarke came and I gently kissed her neck while she panted with her eyes closed.

-I'm going to kill you…

-You already tried.

-Ha ha ha, so funny…

-I gave you the opportunity to choose, it is not my problem what you chose.

We went off the water and I grabbed some towels to dry us.

Just as we exited the bathroom, she launched me to the bed and got on top of me, surprising me.

-What are you doing, Clarke?

-Getting my revenge, Commander.

She said placing my hands above my head and kissing me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Shouts from the other side of our door woke me up the next morning.

-Lexa you need to come here right now!

I stood up and started to look for some clothes, Clarke opened her eyes at looked at me, lost.

-What is happening?

-I don't know, Kira is requesting my presence without further information.

-You are so funny when you speak like that.

I rolled my eyes and walked to the door, expecting to see Kira. However the person I saw standing by her side left me speechless. It was Clarke the one who found the words I couldn't make to come out of my mouth.

-Anya!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaand surprise! I really hated Anya's dead and since no one explained what happened with her body, I decided to get her into my story. You will ask, how? You will see in the next chapter. ;D


	18. How to save a life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from How to save a life from The Fray.

-But you died, they… and you died, how are you here?

I was understanding nothing. Clarke told me Anya was dead, she even gave me her braid…

-Your people have a really bad aim.

Anya looked with cold eyes at Clarke and I got even more lost.

-Clarke's people? What do you mean?

-She didn't tell you, did she?

-Tell me what- I turned to look at Clarke, tears starting to form in her eyes- Clarke, what is happening?

-I just didn't tell you the truth cause you probably had declined my offer to form an Alliance and then… time passed and I had so many things to think about that I forgot to tell you…

-What did happen to Anya?

I asked her through gritted teeth.

-We were walking, I was trying to go to Camp Jaha when Anya and I reached a deal. She was going to talk to you to make an alliance with us when…- She took a deep breath- When somebody from Camp Jaha shot us and Anya fell to the ground while some of my people dragged me inside the camp and my mother found it was me. But nobody went for Anya so everybody thought she was dead… And I told you she died fighting with me because we really fight together to escape from the mountain men but if I had told you we murdered her, you would never have agreed to form an alliance with us.

-So what, you used my "death" to gain Lexa's trust and now you are sleeping with her, you are very clever Clarke, I underestimated you.

Anya said and Clarke looked so pained, her face showing once more all the blame.

I clenched my fists and stopped Anya when she was going to speak again.

-Don't go that way Anya, she may acted wrong and lied to me, but Clarke is not a cold hearted woman, you know nothing about her.

-Now you defend her? You let her control you.

Something was not going well, Anya's eyes were unfocused, her pupils too wide.

-Anya if you were shot… how are you here?

-Somebody helped me.

-Somebody? Who did help you?

-Why do you want to know it?

She was evading to answer my question and she never took her eyes from Clarke which make me suspect even more about her condition.

-Because I would like to thank him or her personally for bringing you back.

-He told me you would say that but it would be a lie so you could know who he is and kill him.

-I don't understand, he saved you, why would I want to kill him?

-Because you already know him, and you don't like him.

-Then why did he saved you and let you go if I don't like him?

-He just wanted somebody to pass all Polis defences.

Anya ended speaking and quickly elbowed Kira who fell to the ground, unconscious. Then she drew a knife and directed it to Clarke. I pushed her just in time, I caught the arm which was holding the weapon and directed Anya to one of the wardrobes, her head collided with it and she fell to the ground. I sat on her, pushing my weight over her body to keep her from moving.

I heard Kira groan while Clarke knelt next to me to examine Anya.

When she opened her eyes, her pupils were no longer wide and she spoke, almost in a whisper.

-Heda?

-Anya? Do you recognise me? Do you know where you are?

-I was with Clarke… going to her camp when somebody shot me and everything went black… What am I doing on the ground of your bedroom?

-Anya you just tried to kill Clarke and attacked us.

-What? I would never do such things.

She started to close her eyes, I had to act quickly.

-Kira! Go and find some backups!

Kira went running away from the room and I shook Anya trying to keep her awake.

-Anya! Who did rescue you? Whoever did it, drugged you or did something to your mind so I need to know, now!

-Em… Emer… son…

-No… No, the people from Mount Weather were dead, there can't be more, Emerson can't be alive…

I saw Clarke fell to the ground while she spoke, hugging her knees and hiding her face with them. The few seconds I spent watching Clarke were enough for Anya to push me away from her with a strength I never thought she could have.

Anya pushed me against the wall, my head colliding with it, and tried to reach for the knife that was on the floor. She caught and aimed once more to Clarke, so I run and caught her and we began to struggle.

-You little… Stop getting in my way Lexa!

She directed the knife to me, my head was still spinning so I barely dodged it, the edge of the knife cut my arm.

-Sorry but I can't, I won't let you hurt Clarke.

Just when she was going to attack me again, some warriors entered the room and restrained Anya.

-Take her to a cell and tie her until we know what is happening.

The warriors stood Anya up and went out of the room while she tried desperately to break free.

In the meantime, Clarke caught something from one of her bags and came by my side.

She started to treat my arm cut and when she finished, she spoke, keeping her glare anywhere but me.

-Lexa, I… I don't know what to say, I should have told you everything but I had to look after my people and… Oh my God…

I reached for her and held her hands to make her focus on me.

-Clarke, she is here now and we can try to help her. Stop thinking about what would have happened and focus on the present. You chose the best for your people and I would have done the same, stop taking the blame for everything, you have suffered enough already.

She hugged me immediately, all her body shaking.

-Okay… okay, I'm fine, we need to focus on her now. I will go to call my mother to see if she knows anything, you should check on Anya.

She finally relaxed and moved away, giving me a reassuring smile, I kissed her forehead and watched her go before I headed for the cell.

After finding it, I entered and saw Anya trying to break free from the ropes, her skin already beginning to get burned because of the friction.

-I know you must feel confused, and also betrayed but we need to help you and we can only do that if you tell us what is happening.

Anya stopped moving and glared at me, her eyes tired and sad. I walked through the room and sit beside her.

-You don't understand, I felt so lonely... Nobody ever came to save me.

I caught her hand and spoke.

-I looked for you, I sent our best scouts to search for you because I refused to believe Clarke. Because I couldn't bear the idea of losing you...

I saw Anya looking at me and I could see the real her, just for a brief moment until she moved her hand away and her eyes showed nothing once more.

-I won't stop until I have killed Clarke.

I looked away and started to walk to the door.

-We will find the way to heal you Anya, just wait, please.

I said as I closed the door. Clarke was standing outside the cell. Sensing my tiredness and exhaustion, she hugged me and I got lost in her scent for a moment before I broke the silence.

-She always was there for me and I let her down when she needed me more...

-Lexa, no. You did everything you could and now we have the opportunity to save her. I have been talking with my mother and Raven, I explained them Anya's situation and they told me they have been investigating Mount Weather to find any research they could had been doing which is related with Anya's behaviour. They will tell me as soon as they find anything.

-I will go to find some sedates because she is trying to break free and she is hurting herself... And Clarke?

-Yes?

-Thank you for everything you are doing to help her.

-It's the least I can do, I owe her

We stay in silence during some time until Clarke took my hand and spoke while she squeezed it.

-Thank you for forgiving me, I should have checked her vitals or made my people take her instead of just cutting her braid, had I known she would suffer this much...

-You didn't know this would happen, you did the best thing in that moment and I am not the one to judge your decision to lie to me since I betrayed you and I suffered the same way you suffered when you told me the truth. I know the last you need is my rage or hate.

I answered her while I swept away one tear running down her cheek.

-I should be the one comforting you but you always manage to turn the tables.

She said chuckling softly and I joined her.

-You will have to play your cards better next time, Clarke.

-Wow you just used an expression, I witnessed something miraculous.

-Well don't get used to it.

I said smiling to her. Being with Clarke always made me feel less stressed, made me feel less heavy and she managed to smile so easily when I had found it so difficult to achieve. I leaned and kissed her trying to show her all the feelings I couldn't explain with words.

-I love you too, Lexa.

She whispered, looking at me with nothing but kindness and understanding.

I hugged her again until she started to beep.

-That's the communicator. Yes?

-We found it.

Abby said through the object.

-So? There is a solution? Can we help her?

Silence.

I started to get extremely nervous the longer Abby didn't speak.

-It seems that they were working on a chip to control people, but it had so many problems, the more important one is that people they used as experiments ended up dying. They also had periods where the chip didn't work.

-That's exactly what is happening to Anya, she sometimes acts like her real self.

-Yes we thought the same thing... the real problem is that while to insert the chip is pretty easy, to take it off requires a dangerous surgeon. The chip is connected with the brain through the spinal cord although it is allocated on the spinal column and the smallest mistake can cause huge damage to Anya, even death.

I couldn't ask Clarke to do it, it would be too much pressure, I couldn't ask her to take another soul under her care.

-I'll do it, but you will need to guide me. I'm ready whenever you are.

I stared at her, speechless.

-Clarke you know it would be better if you move her here, I know she is unstable but I doubt Polis has the necessary technology.

I reacted when Abby stop speaking.

-We will departure right now. No stops. We will be there at night, get everything ready, Abby.

-But Lexa we just arrived to Polis and you planned a banquet, you can't go back to Camp Jaha just like that!

-I don't care, I'm not leaving her alone again, I will postpone the festivities.

_**Clarke's POV** _

The trip to Camp Jaha was a blur, everyone who came with us was tensed.

When we reached the camp, some people received us. Some of them took Anya with them and others guided us until we reached a door. They stopped us and said Lexa couldn't come with me so I got next to her and hugged her, trying to reassurance her.

-She will be fine, okay? We are going to do our best, just stay strong.

I fixed my eyes with hers, her eyes showing fear and weakness.

-Okay, I trust you.

She whispered and I kissed her softly on her lips before entering the room.

There I got changed and once I was set, I walked to the door to enter the next room.

When I went in, I found Abby and some assistants with her, she noticed me.

-Okay, she is fully sedated now.

Clarke took a deep breathe.

_Okay, keep Emerson away from your thoughts until we have finished the surgeon, Anya's life is what matters right now._

-Let's begin.


	19. If you want to, I can save you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update for you!
> 
> Title from All you wanted by Michelle Branch

Why it was taking them so long? It had already passed 3 hours and nobody had come to explain me anything about Anya's condition or the development of the operation.

Diaval and Sheidgeda were waiting with me, they came into the room some minutes before the surgeon started and they both tried to distract me as best as they could but after three hours they run out of ideas.

-Don't worry sis. They will help her, Clarke will save her.

-It was because of them that Anya is facing this situation.

I couldn't help myself, tiredness had begun to lower my defences and anger was taking control of me.

-What do you mean?

-They shot her and instead of helping her, they left her alone and Emerson took her.

Diaval looked at me confused.

-But how, it was before you even made the alliance. Emerson didn't know where your camp was. Did he?

-they probably knew already but even if that wasn't the case they were tracking Clarke and Anya because they had escaped.

-So they took Anya when Clarke was dragged to her camp?

-I suppose so.

Diaval didn't ask me more questions and sat beside Sheidgeda who started to lick him.

After some minutes, Raven entered the room and stared at me.

-Hi.

I didn't answer her, I wasn't in the mood to talk with any Sky people.

-I have information about what happened to Anya.

I clenched my jaw and finally spoke to her.

-You had to come here to tell me how they tortured her trying to control her mind while I'm waiting for anybody to tell me if she is still alive.

-They kept her in secret.

It's all that Raven said.

-In secret? What do you mean?

-Emerson and the doctor. I have been reading some of their investigations. Dante denied them the permission to keep using the chip since it was lethal after a period of time.

She stopped talking for a moment, wondering if she should continue explaining or if she should shut up and drop the topic. I nodded signalling her to continue.

-The chip was designed to use the grounders they captured to fight for them. Their goal was to establish some kind of control over all of the clans, so they could have a free source of blood. Dante found that it was an impossible goal and dropped the chip experiments but Emerson and the doctor continued them with Anya without Dante noticing. She was the perfect subject, everybody thought she was dead and she was the perfect warrior if they succeeded; an important figure who could approach easily the Commander.

Silence filled the room, Raven was looking at me with sadness and sympathy.

-I don't know how you people deal with pain and traumas… But Anya may need help when she wakes up.

-This time, I won't let her alone.

-Look, Lexa, I know we don't like each other, I haven't forgive you because you betrayed us… But we also have done things, things I'm not proud of.

Strange, she only mentioned my betrayal, not his ex-boyfriend/boyfriend execution.

She took a deep breath before speaking again.

-I know you care, and I'm maybe too late, but I know you care, and most important, you are helping Clarke… So… thank you for supporting Clarke and trying your best to avoid a war between us.

I looked into her eyes and all I saw was gratitude so I got closer to her and offered her my hand.

-Hate and rancour never were useful, they poison your mind and life, leaving it empty.

She took my hand accepting the peace offering but after some seconds, she spoke again.

-But I still hate you.

I tried to stop my lips from forming a smile.

-Yes, you totally do, Raven from the Sky People.

-Are you mocking me?

-Oh I would never dare.

-Are you sure, Commander Heart Eyes?

We stared at each other with a severe glare in our eyes until we laughed softly.

-Wow Lexa, making more friends? You will steal all of mine.

I turned my gaze to find Clarke looking at me, she was wearing a strange outfit. I didn't ask her why, there was someone more important.

-Where is Anya? Is she alright?

-We had some complications during the surgeon… but we managed to take off the chip. All we can do now is wait.

-Wait?

-Yes, in their investigations, there are no entries about what could happen if the chip is extracted.

-So?

I was getting impatience.

-We will keep an eye on her, she must wake Lexa, I promise you she will wake up.

-You are telling me you extracted the chip without knowing what would happen afterwards?

Clarke noticed my anger and moved slowly closer to me, never getting to touch me.

-Lexa it was that or let her die being someone she is not.

-There must be something else you can do to help her!

-Lexa, I have been operating on Anya for three hours just to bring her back, I have been stressed since the moment she showed up at your room. Trust me, if there was something else we could do, we had tried it already.

Clarke kept her voice low, trying to be patient while I shouted at her.

-She wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't left her behind.

-Well sorry then, for not being fucking perfect!

I knew I had messed everything up the moment I heard Clarke shouting and her eyes seemed so pained. All I had to do was apologise, it wasn't Clarke's fault, I was aware of that. But feelings were so complicated and I was so hopeless dealing with them.

I just turned my back to Clarke and walked away, putting all my thoughts and feelings aside. I needed to get to a place where I could empty my mind.

**_Clarke's POV_ **

I could have borne anybody blaming me, but not Lexa. I thought she would understand me…

-What are you waiting for? Follow her.

Raven's voice took me back to my senses, I blinked, trying to contain my tears.

-Follow her? She let everything pretty clear for me. I'm the one to blame… as always.

-You know she didn't mean it.

-If she didn't mean it, then why did she say it?

I was starting to get angry why was she defending Lexa? She was supposed to hate her.

-Quit being so fucking stubborn Clarke! You shot her and you didn't mean it, but you did it because you were depressed and angry and you needed to put the weight you were carrying on someone else. She is the one feeling guilty on the inside so move your lazy ass and find her, as far as I know you are not the one using crutches.

I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

-Since when do you defend Lexa?

-Oh no, I don't like her; I don't know if I will be able to forgive her for what happened to Finn, but even a blind person could see she cares about you… She loves you and I guess you both deserve a chance.

Seeing Raven saying those things instead of anyone else, brought more importance to her words. But what happened to Finn wasn't Lexa's fault, and I had the impression that Raven hadn't speak with anyone about it.

-You also know that he did something very serious… He murdered innocent people.

I noticed how Raven took her gaze away from me, looking now at her feet.

-I guess it is easier to blame someone you don't know instead of accept that someone you loved could do such things…

-The easy way is not always the right one, Raven. Whenever you want to talk about anything, I'm here.

-Thanks Princess. I'll think about that, now go and find your Commander, I need to pet her panther not talk about more problems.

She said smiling at me and I exited the room after giving her a brief hug.

It wasn't difficult to find Lexa, she showed me her special place after all. When I reached the tree where Sheidgeda guided me that night, there were no stairs.

Damn.

I could do two things, try to climb the tree or ask Lexa to throw me the wood stairs. None of them were convincing me…

Well, she would probably be at the wood hut so if I called her name she probably would not hear me.

Taking a deep breath, I started climbing the tree.

When I reached the wood platform, I was breathing frantically after almost falling three times.

I followed the path we went over, jumping to the other platform and walking until I reached the small building.

I found Lexa huddled up over the sheets, her back turned away from me.

Stealthily, I knelt and moved to her side and carefully cuddled her. She sensed me and relaxed, but she kept her body still, not moving a single muscle.

-I'm such an idiot when it comes to feelings. Look at me, the Commander of the twelve clans reduced to an afraid girl who doesn't know what to do with her feelings. At the worst of that is that I drop all my rage, all my insecurities to the people I care about.

-That's because you are a girl Lexa, a girl who has the right to feel afraid, to feel pain, to feel sadness. But not because of that you are a bad leader, you would be a bad one if you let those feelings subdue you.

When she didn't answered me, I held her closer, kissing her shoulder while I waited patiently.

-Will you help me to never subdue to them? Will you be my shooting star when the only thing I'll be able to see is darkness?

I answered her without a doubt.

-Always.

Taking a deep breath, she whispered.

-I didn't mean to say those things to you, I know blame won't turn back time. Forgive me.

-I know Lex, don't worry, there is nothing to forgive.

She covered her arms around mine and we stayed a bit longer in that position before we went back to look after Anya.

We were quietly staring at Anya from the couch when a thought crossed my mind and my brain decided to give it voice.

-I never told you, but I remember when you sang to me, the day you woke up after your operation.

Lexa's body went rigid immediately so I brought her closer to me trying to calm her.

-It was a beautiful song, I felt safe and protected when you sang it.

-Costia sang it to me when I lost my mother and it helped me not to fall apart, I'm not a good singer as Costia was but I hoped it would help you.

-Don't say that Lexa, I loved it and I love your voice. Do you want to talk about it?

Lexa stayed in silence, her eyes showing she was debating with herself until she finally looked at me.

-My mother used to sing it to me and Costia when we were younger. I guess she sensed we were destined to be together but our culture couldn't find sense to a relationship which wasn't aimed to bring children, it was unnatural just like mutations. Years passed by and one day, Costia and I were walking when some people of our same age started to shout at us, we run to my home when some men stopped us, one of them was holding a knife. He said his children had seen us kissing and we should be punished for it, we were so scared. Suddenly my mother came outside our house, asking what was happening when the man turned and stabbed her, repeating time after time that he had to punish everyone who had acted wrong… The healer couldn't do anything to save her. The current Commander at that time caught the murderers and proclaimed that nobody should harm another person because of who that person loved. It felt right to finally walk without feel threatened but it had cost my mother's life.

Her face was covered with pain and sadness so I caught her hand and made her look at me.

-Thank you for sharing this with me, I bet your mother was a wonderful person and I can see you are as strong-willed as her.

She gave me a small smile and kissed my forehead before getting even closer to me.

-Costia sang it to me the night we celebrated the funeral, I had decided I would kill the people who caused my mother's death before their execution, but Costia managed to tame my rage with the song.

-Will you… continue the song for me? Please?

As a response she put one of her hands on my head and guided it to her neck, my cheek now resting on her shoulder. She began to sing while she gently stroke my hair.

_'Cause you'll be in my heart_

_Yes, you'll be in my heart_

_From this day on_

_Now and forever more_

_You'll be in my heart_

_No matter what they say_

_You'll be here in my heart, always_

_Why can't they understand the way we feel?_

_They just don't trust what they can't explain_

_I know we're different but deep inside us_

_We're not that different at all_

I buried my face on her shoulder her words sinking in my chest. Costia and she must have had to fight so hard to be together and even though they managed to get accepted by their people, Ashkna took Costia's life…

_And you'll be in my heart_

_Yes, you'll be in my heart_

_From this day on_

_Now and forever more_

_Don't listen to them_

_'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?_

_We need each other_

_To have, to hold._

_They'll see in time_

_I know_

Lexa's raspy and deep voice started to crack as she sang the last verses of the song.

_When destiny calls you_

_You must be strong_

_I may not be with you_

_But you've got to hold on_

_They'll see in time_

_I know_

_We'll show them together_

_You'll be in my heart_

_No matter what they say_

_You'll be here in my heart_

_I'll be with you_

_I'll be there for you always_

_Always and always_

_Just look over your shoulder_

_I'll be there always._

When she finished, we stayed quiet for some minutes, letting all the emotions drift away.

-It gives me hope, if I sing it I feel they are hearing it from wherever they are now. It makes me believe they are truly near me.

-I'm with you too. Don't forget it Lexa, you are surrounded by people who care about you, and you also have them, I'm sure they watch over you every day.

-Costia actually talked to me when I was out after you shot me.

-Oh…

-She told me you light me up like she did, you make me love like she did. I didn't want to believe her because I was afraid… I forgot she is always right.

-You are too cute when you say these things!

I answered her, hugging her tightly. She chuckled softly and holding my cheek she kissed me, her lips grazing mines before she kissed me again this time more passionately.

_\- Ai hod yu in, Clarke kom Skaikru. (I love you, Clarke from the Sky People)_

_-En ai hod yu in, Heda. (And I love you, Commander)_

Silence embraced us while we listened to the steady breath coming from Anya's bed and we fell asleep.

I woke up when my neck and back complained for being in an uncomfortable position so many hours.

Lexa had settled on my lap while we were sleeping, I took my time to watch her features, she looked so calm when she was sleeping, when she didn't need to wear her Commander mask. I began to caress her hair, her braids were starting to untie. I was so focused on Lexa that I didn't noticed someone was watching me.

-You really care about her.

Her voice was raspy but I couldn't mistake it and it let me speechless.

-I knew the moment I met you, you were going to cause so many troubles. You seemed so stubborn, so resolute that all I thought was: "If she met Lexa, there will be the greatest war of all or the strongest bond I had ever witnessed."

She coughed a few times before finishing her speech.

-At the end it was a mixture of both of them.

She coughed again and I was going to stand up to bring her water when Lexa jumped and, in a quick move, she was beside the bed, holding her hand.

-Anya you are awake!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you~!


	20. I'm gonna place my bet on us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for taking so long to upload an update q_q  
> Title from Up by Olly Murs and Demi Lovato

-How are you feeling?

Anya smiled at me and grabbed one of my hands, holding it tightly.

-A little bit dizzy, but I'm fine... I thought I would never see you again... Every night I had the same nightmare, I never was there to defend you, every night I failed to accomplish my only duty... Protect you.

-Do not worry anymore, Anya. We will chase those demons away, you are here now and I'm fine.

I knew this was going to be hard but seeing Anya so vulnerable was something I wasn't ready to witness. I held her hand closer to me while a rebel tear run away from my eyes.

-Since when does the Commander cry? Clarke has made you a softie.

Anya said, trying to erase the tension in the room.

-I didn't make her a softie! I just showed her that feelings must not be feared or hid.

-I should have killed you the day we met at the river.

I looked confused and shocked at Anya.

-Why? Clarke has helped us, she has helped me to seek something more than just survive.

-If there is something more dangerous than to love someone, is the fear of losing the ones you love.

-She chose her people over me. I didn't understand it and I hated her so much until I realised I have done the same since I reached Earth. So I will never ask her to put me over her people because I know she won't ask me the same either.

-You may say that now, but as time passes, you will realise how difficult could be to keep choosing your people before the person you love.

Anya smiled sadly but regained her composure quickly changing the topic.

We spent most of the day explaining to her all that had happened and we also asked her some questions but she couldn't remember a lot of things.

Anya had to stay at least a week at Camp Jaha but I needed to go back to Polis. I didn't want to let Anya alone again but she assured me she trusted the Sky people so Clarke and I decided to go back to Polis the day after tomorrow.

Next morning I woke up on Clarke's bed, her limbs trapping me in a strange prison.

-Clarke, Clarke.

She groaned and hugged my body tighter.

-You told me you wanted to train, if it was my decision, I would spend all the day here, lying beside you.

She groaned again.

-Come on Clarke, it will be good for you, you will learn to defend yourself.

-Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine…

After a quick breakfast, I guided Clarke to a clearing near Camp Jaha and I started to teach her the basic moves.

When two hours passed, I could see Clarke was at her limits but I also sensed she wasn't thinking about stopping.

-I think we should stop and rest a little.

-Why?

-Because you are tired Clarke.

-No I'm not, I can keep training.

With a simple move, I attacked Clarke who fell soundly to the ground.

-You just fell from a basic attack you already had managed to counter. We are pausing right now.

Clarke's eyes threw daggers at me but she sat and patted the ground near her, inviting me to sit down as well.

-Tell me about that post you hit.

-Yes… The post that gave me a nasty glare…

Clarke chuckled and elbowed me, pushing me to the ground afterwards. She knelt at my side, both of her arms at my sides, leaving me with no escapes.

-It happened the night I betrayed you… When I reached camp, I saw Lincoln trying to escape to go for Octavia. The only thing on my mind was that I should be the one going after you… so… I entered my tent and started to hit the post until Indra stopped me.

When I finished I was looking everywhere but the two shiny sapphires that tried to reach my soul.

-Lexa, look at me.

I didn't move.

-Lexa, look, at, me.

Clarke's tone was now demanding, she grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her.

-We talked about this, didn't we? It is in the past… at least you don't have something that reminds you every day that you hurt the person you love.

She said, directing her hand to my chest scar, softly tracing it with her fingers, fearing it could reopen at any moment.

I took a deep breath.

-Don't look at it as a reminder of your mistakes; look at it and then at my face, and remember that I'm alive and that I want to be with you.

She laughed nervously and moved her hand to my left eye's scar.

-Yes, your face which now has another scar, again because of me.

-Clarke, stop. It wasn't your fault and you know what I meant.

-I know, I know, I'm sorry and… thank you.

She leaned her upper body forward until her lips briefly brushed mine. Her hands moved to my sides and I chuckled.

-Clarke, I'm all sweaty and dirty…

-You say it like it could stop me…

She answered, smiling mischievously at me. Her nails started to move up and down my ribs beneath my shirt while we kissed. I could stand her torturous pattern at first but it became too much for me and I shuddered, trying to supress a small squeal. Clarke stopped immediately.

-Wait… are you ticklish, Lexa?

-I don't know what you are talking about.

She quickly moved her hands again, her nails leaving a trail of goose bumps around my body which moved involuntary.

-Stop! Clarke!

-You are so ticklish and I'm going to enjoy this so much!

She kept moving her hands while I begged her to stop. After what seemed like hours of torture, my head collided with Clarke's.

-Ouch! Lexa what the fuck!? That hurt!

-I told you to stop!

I said rubbing my forehead and looking angry until Clarke started to laugh and I joined her.

She leaned forward once more and this time, her hands held my head behind my neck.

-Your hair is so soft…

She whispered softly, closing her eyes.

-Sure, my braids are probably a mess.

-Don't argue with me, your hair is soft, end of the conversation.

I chuckled and held her the same way.

-Your hair reminds me of the village where I was born, it was surrounded by wheat fields, such a beautiful sight, it was like living inside the sun.

-Will you take me there?

-I can't remember a lot of it, I moved to Polis when I was three, but I'm willing to go back there, and it will be even better if you come with me.

-I love you.

Clarke said, cutting off my track of thoughts, listening to her saying those three words never ceased to surprise me.

Smoothly, I changed our positions and kissed her.

-You always have the need to lead, don't you?

She said playfully.

-I can do an exception or two just for you.

I answered her before kissing her again, biting her lower lip, eliciting a small moan from Clarke. Once we pulled away, I rested my forehead on hers.

-Why don't we go to the lake?

-Yes, we can relax a little in the cabin later, if you want to.

-I think that would be a perfect plan.

Just as we were standing up, I sensed someone approaching us and all my inner alarms started ringing furiously.

I walked some steps, getting closer to the intruders.

-What are you doing here?

Clarke got closer to me and grabbed my arm, pushing her body against it.

-What's happening, who are they?

She whispered to me, my arm tensed, my hand turned into a fist.

-The one holding an axe is the son of the man who murdered my mother.

Clarke went totally rigid and my body language changed immediately. I moved my arm away from her grip and encircled her waist with it.

-Don't worry, okay? I'm his Commander, he wont dare to touch me.

-That's not what worries me, I'm worried more about my self-control, the only thing I can feel right now is rage and hate.

I turned my head and gave Clarke a lopsided smile.

-Well, now you know while I'm holding you by the waist, to keep you from doing something stupid.

Clarke chuckled and glared at the warriors in front of us.

-We were hunting and heard you so we came to see who was here.

-Very well, you can go back to TonDC.

-But we haven't talked for so long, since my father was executed because of you.

-I thought we made everything clear, your father murdered my mother in cold blood.

-He was doing the right thing! To have feelings for the same person is a mistake!

Clarke freed from my grip and covered me. I should have felt offended, since I knew how to defend myself, but I decided to stay silent and watch.

-Tell me just one thing, does your culture believe in a superior being?

Clarke commanded.

-Of course.

-Are you that superior being?

-Well obviously no-

-Then, who gave you the right to decide what is wrong and what is right?

Her words left Nialm speechless while Clarke's eyes burned with rage.

-Because I would like to know if that superior being which is supposed to have the ultimate power, has ever said that loving another person is something that must not be tolerated.

Nialm's face changed suddenly, all his resolve disappearing.

-I… I don't know anymore…

Clarke relaxed a little and got a little closer to Nialm and his companions.

-Tell me Nialm, do you have a partner?

-Yes.

-And you love her?

-Yes.

-And can you tell me, that feeling you have for her, is something bad?

-Of course not!

-Well, me neither. I love Lexa, and I can't see it as something that is wrong.

Nialm's eyes widened and he tensed his shoulders, I was ready to move Clarke away, fearing Nialm would try to attack her before what she had said, but instead of attacking, he abruptly spoke, bringing the argue to an end.

-See you another time, Clarke from the Sky people.

He turned his back to us and before they started to walk away, he added.

-I would like to speak with you, Heda, after I have gathered my thoughts and feelings.

And with those last words, they left.

After they disappeared from our sight, I hugged Clarke.

-Thanks

She nodded and let a little "hmm" escape her lips before hugging me back.

When I felt completely relaxed, Clarke spoke.

-Going back to our plan, bath and relaxing evening in your cabin?

-Our cabin.

I said whispering while a nuzzled her hair, Clarke sighed contently.

-No wonder you have a panther as one of your best friends, you are half-feline.

We both laughed and, reaching for our hands, we walked happily away from the clearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Anya in the next chapter!


	21. I could hold you for a million years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Make you feel my love by Adele.

-It's unfair! You are a pro warrior and I'm a simple beginner... You didn't even give me some advantage...

-Nobody is going to give you advantages in real life Clarke.

I answered her from the top of the rock we were both standing a moment ago. Clarke was now in the lake beneath, after she lost a little fight.

-You used a new movement! How am I supposed to counter that?

She looked so angry, I just got more amused.

-With imagination Clarke, you are an artist, you should have a lot of it.

She tried to hit me with the water but the distance was enough to keep me dry.

-Now that I remember, you owe me a drawing, don't you?

-Yes... But since you are being so rude with me, I may change it.

I looked puzzled at her.

-Change it? How?

-You know... I may start a new one where I punish you, since I can't beat you.

-You are going to punish me with a painting.

I was completely lost.

-Yes, maybe tie you to a bed, so you would be totally helpless, just so you know the feel.

She explained, her voice lower that I remembered it could be.

-It would be so nice to do whatever I want to you, since you have been doing that to me all the day.

Images invaded my head and I forgot where I was. My mouth went dry and I knew my breath was raged but I couldn't help it.

Cold water brought me back to reality when I felt I couldn't breathe. Emerged and I opened my eyes, finding Clarke with a victorious glare in her blue eyes.

-Yes! Sheidgeda nice work!

I looked up and saw Sheidgeda walking excitedly from one side of the rock to the other, growling joyfully at Clarke.

-Revenge is mine!

-And I am the one who is unfair...

I whispered hoping she couldn't hear me, but of course, she did hear me.

-Me, unfair? You dig your own grave.

-You just have to put those images in my head, I lost all concentration in my surroundings.

In the blink of an eye, Clarke pushed me to the cold rock wall, her pupils blown wide.

-We don't have to wait till we get to a bed, I could tie you up right now, to a tree.

She was trying to dull my mind again with more suggesting images, but this time I was more prepare to answer her.

-My my, you are insatiable, had I known you only wanted me for sex, I would have thought more carefully about being with you.

Clarke laughed and kissed me softly, we were both lost in the kiss until we heard a loud splash in the water.

-What the what was that!?

Clarke said, alarmed. I just smiled at her and waited until a huge black form showed up behind Clarke and dropped a dead fish on her shoulder but it slipped and fell into the water.

Clarke caught it to see what it was. The face she put when she discovered she had just caught a dead fish was a face I would never forget. It was really funny to watch her

frozen until she threw the fish at my face and started swimming to the shore.

-Clarke you are going to regret this, and you don't even know how much you will regret this affront.

-Sure angry raccoon, come and get me then!

-Sheidgeda, hunt her.

As Clarke heard my words she panicked and tried to reach the shore quicker while Sheidgeda started to growl and follow her.

Just when she reached the shore, Sheidgeda trapped her, her paws at her sides while she licked her. I pinned her to the nearest tree, one of my hands grabbing her neck.

-You won't throw anything dead at me, never again.

-You are scaring me...

Clarke choked.

All my rage was replaced by guilty, apparently something that only Clarke could make me feel.

I let her go and I started to walk back guard.

-I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you... I'm sorry... I don't know what happened I wasn't acting rationally... I, I

-Lexa, stop walking away and explain me what just happened.

Clarke tried to reach for me but I walked further away.

-Lexa, please, let me help you.

I didn't understand this woman, I just had attacked her and instead of running for help, she wanted to stay with me. I dropped to my knees, defeated. I wasn't used to feel, all

the traumas I had experienced had been trapped in the depths of my mind, but with Clarke near me, I had started to remember everything, all the pain.

Clarke was by my side in less than a second.

-It is related with your past?

She said softly, while she tried to comfort me resting her hands over my shoulders and giving me a small smile.

-Feelings are a burden.

-No Lexa, feelings are a part of your life and you need to express them, to get along with them, not hide from them.

-When I was three... I used to look for the boys in the village, most of the girls just play with her dolls and I enjoyed more their company. Costia also went with them and some

other girls. One day, Nialm decided to make fun of me so he started to shout to the others to throw me slugs while we were playing near the river. I tried to run but I tripped and

fell to the ground, giving them the perfect target. After what felt like hours, Costia and some of the boys defended me and pushed Nialm and the ones who followed his

commands aside. When I stood up, all my body shaking, I started to hit Nialm until Costia managed to stop me.

I had to tell my parents about what happened. My parents were looking for the perfect excuse to leave the village and they found it with the incident. I spent the next three nights

crying because I didn't want to leave Costia, blaming myself for getting scared by the slugs. My mother was the one who asked Costia to come with us, my father never liked my

relationship with her... Costia lived with her grandmother so when my parents offered her to come to Polis with me, she allowed Costia to go. It's a stupid memory which

shouldn't have affected me so much but I don't like wet dead things near me.

-It's a hard experience you lived and it's not stupid. You probably get over it, maybe if I put sticky things over you once or twice a week.

-That's the worst idea I have ever heard about how to outcome my trauma, but thanks Clarke.

We both smiled but the silence between us started to grew more and more uncomfortable.

I sensed she wanted to ask about my father but she understood this wasn't the right moment to have that conversation.

-You don't fish then?

I chuckled.

-Of course I fish, it triggers when someone throw things at me, not if I catch them.

-Oh okay, then-she said resting her right hand on her chest-I make an oath, right here and right now, to never ever again, throw sticky things to my beloved Commander under death penalty.

-You are so full of jokes.

-You are the boring one in this relationship, I need to light things up.

-I see, you must improve, Clarke.

-Blah blah blah.

Sheidgeda moved her ears at the mocking sound and began to push Clarke slightly.

-Your panther is hyperactive.

-She is just a cub, when she grows up, she will be all boring like me.

-Wait, she will be bigger!?

-Of course, the average height of black panthers is like the horse's back height. Do you remember the wolves?

Clarke nodded, still shocked.

-She will be taller and stockier, but you can get an idea.

Clarke then hugged Sheidgeda with all her forces.

-Don't you ever dare to grow up!

She said, faking a whimper and a melancholic tone.

Sheidgeda pushed Clarke to the ground and hugged her with her paws, nuzzling her nose in her hair and licking her.

-What is she doing...? I'm scared.

-She thought you were suffering and sad so she is trying to comfort you.

-Well, she does it better than you.

She said sticking out her tongue. I huffed.

-But she is a wild animal, what if she decides you are no longer her friend...

Clarke asked between Sheidgeda's paws.

-I simply don't think about that, I can't. If the moment comes, I will worried. In the meantime, I will enjoy her company.

-Well she will probably stay being her present self.

Clarke reassured me.

Sheidgeda moved away and lay down on the grass. I approached her and lay down too, my head resting over Sheidgeda's body. Clarke soon joined us and we just relaxed for a

bit, with the sounds of birds and water embracing us before I remembered Anya.

-I should go to see Anya.

-Whaaaaat? No cabin and chill?

She said pouting.

-Later, Clarke. You could go to finish your painting while I check on Anya.

-Fine...

We shared a kiss before we took different paths.

 

**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**

Sheidgeda came with me, when we entered the room, we saw Anya walking slowly with Abby while they talk.

-How are you doing?

-My back hurts a little but not too much.

-If you are like your Commander, you are surely in more pain, but you surely are as stubborn as her so we'll walk a little more, but then you go back to your bed.

-You can say Heda is like me, I raised her after all.

Abby laughed briefly and they continued walking. Sheidgeda pushed her head on my hand and I petted her.

-I know, I'm also happy to see she is alive and recovering.

Just then, Abby and Anya noticed our presence.

-Oh Lexa, we didn't see you.

-Don't worry, I was enjoying watching you.

Anya and Abby got closer and, after a hesitant moment, Anya se pulled away and hugged me.

-Who is the softie?

Anya laughed briefly, she never was an extroverted person, she was very reserved, she almost never let any emotion to show.

-Don't expect more hugs from me, I'm just relieved that you have managed everything while I was out.

-About managing things... I would like to explain you all the events. If you are available.

-Since she needs to rest and I was about to lie her on the bed, so if you want to, I can leave and leave you two along to speak.

-I think that's a good plan, thank you.

-No problem, if anything happens, I will be in room 3, so call me.

-Right.

Some minutes later, Anya was now in bed while I was sat on a chair, next to her and Sheidgeda stood at the foot of the bed.

I told her everything while she interrupted me at some points when she thought it was necessary.

-She killed her partner?

-He wasn't exactly her partner, but yes, he was going to die by our traditions and she ended his life before.

-And you didn't punish her, didn't break the alliance.

-They were potential allies, the killer was dead. I don't want to be a brainless Commander, I want to change things.

-I know I know, continue.

I carried on with telling her what happened, the kiss scene totally omitted, until I spoke about the treachery and Clarke's intent of murder.

-She shot you.

-Anya she was blinded by rage, by guilty... By hate.

-And? I'm supposed to forget the fact that she tried to kill you, I'm supposed not to think that this whole relationship is not some kind of plan of her to hurt you.

-Clarke would never-

-You don't know Clarke well enough.

Anya cut me.

-You saw her when I was asleep, you told her she really cared about me, would you change that statement now that you know what happened?

Anya stayed speechless for a moment, probably because she didn't know I heard everything she said to Clarke.

-No, I would not.

-Then? I betrayed them, but you act like Indra, you think I didn't.

-They weren't part of us.

-Of course they were! Of course they are!

I raised my voice as I got exasperated. Was it so difficult to understand?

-It can be easy for you to see them forming part of our clans, but not all people are as open minded as you, understand that Heda.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temple.

-I know, but it's so tiring, I'm really trying to make my people understand that change is not always bad.

-You always have been a stubborn girl so, I know you will achieve it.

I continued with my story

-If the Ice Queen knows about you and Clarke... This could get very dangerous. She probably has spies in your ranks, she knows about everything, even about the TonDC missile and she can use that against you...

-My word speaks louder than hers, I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about Clarke...

-Ugh you are so disgusting, stop speaking about her.

-Someone is jealous.

I said amused at Anya.

-Me? Why exactly?

-Well, you took care of me and the affection grew to something else…

-Oh please, everybody knew you were so in love with me.

-I'm still, I fell so hard for you.

-Please stop, this conversation is so disturbing.

-Yes, it is.

We burst out laughing and when we finally stopped, Anya yawned and spoke.

-Go and enjoy your little blonde, she is surely missing you right now, we can speak about politics when I come back to Polis.

-I will come back later, to see how are you doing, okay?

-Yes, yes, go Heda.

We smiled at each other.

-See you later Anya.

Sheidgeda moved to the bed and gently put her head on Anya's bed.

-I guess she wants to stay with me.

-Yes, she has missed you too.

**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**

-Hey there.

I said entering Clarke's room.

Clarke jumped from the couch and threw a small book at me, failing.

-You scared me!

-You are just too easy to scare.

I said, grinning at her. She stood up and

-Why aren't you ticklish?

Clarke asked, disappointed.

-I don't have tickles, don't you remember when you tried the first time? You were the one who ended up laughing uncontrollably. The second time you tickled me, I was more sensitive guess, but I'm not usually ticklish.

-That's a shame…

Clarke said sighing before hugging me.

I inspected her bedroom, finding a strange covered form in the middle of it.

-What's that?

Clarke broke the embrace, and followed my eyes.

-Oh, that's the painting! Wanna see it?

-Of course.

-Ok, get ready.

Clarke reached for the object and pulled the blanket, revealing her work as the blanket fell to the ground.


	22. Lost stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Lost stars by Keira Knightley.

-This is... This is unbelievable, I saw it when you started it but this is a completely different painting.

I couldn't find the words to express my thoughts and I noticed the change on Clarke's face, she was starting to panic.

-I mean, this is such a piece of art. I can't believe I look like this when I'm sleeping, so peacefully, you drew everything so perfectly, every single feature of my face, my hair looked alive.

The painting was so vivid, the light lit my face and my hair. Clarke managed to reflect all he shades of my hair, my face, of the little piece of the bed. It was like a picture.

-Could I... Could I have it?

I said blushing and Clarke sighed relieved.

-Well since I made it for you, of course you can.

-This is such an awesome painting Clarke, you really have a gift, don't you ever stop painting.

Clarke looked at me, her eyes shining.

-That's so sweet of you, thank you so much.

She lowered her head and covered it with her hands

-Hey, what's wrong? Did I say something that offended you?

I got closer to her and hold her by her waist, after a moment of tension, she pulled her hands away whipping some of her tears.

-I'm just sentimental today, I'm sorry it's just that's it is nice to listen such things from you, it's comforting. After all I have done, I still think that I don't deserve you, that I don't deserve to be happy.

-Don't you ever say that ever again, you deserve every glimpse of happiness you can see, believe my words please.

I kissed her slowly, and hugged her. After some minutes, when she finally relaxed, she laughed through my neck, leaving little goose bumps.

-I ruined your shirt with my winning.

-I don't care about the shirt, you silly.

Clarke laughed again.

-If somebody would have told me you would become such a loving person I would have called them insane.

-If you hate it so much I can change into Heda's mood, forever.

Clarke looked alarmed.

-No no no! I love you the way you are please don't change!

Clarke yawned and leaned a bit more before she spoke.

-I was going to suggest you to keep with our cabin and chill plan but I'm so tired…

-We can always follow plan B.

-Oh? What's plan B?

-Sleep on your bed while we hold each other.

-Aw so cute, okay!

We both lay on Clarke's bed for some minutes, just enjoying our closeness, before we finally fell asleep, my arms around Clarke's waist.

Next day, Clarke woke me up with a small kiss on my nose and she offered to have breakfast in the dining room.

-I totally forgot to visit Anya again.

I said as I remembered I promised her I would come back.

-Don't worry, you can see her before we go to Polis.

Clarke said lifting me of the bed.

-Fine...

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When we entered the dining room, Octavia and Lincoln were sitting on a table full of people, they were all chatting animatedly.

-Octavia, Lincoln what are you doing here?

People stopped talking and Lincoln was the one who spoke.

-We came from Polis to bring you some news.

-Which news?

-The Ice Queen reached Polis yesterday and she had started to spread rumours about your absence and they are not pleasant ones.

-What is she saying?

-That you are too busy with your Sky girl to take care of the clans.

I took some deep breaths, all I wanted was to punch her face until it was unrecognizable, but if I succumbed to my rage, I knew Ashkna would get what she wanted so I calmed myself before speaking again.

-We planned to come back today so I will attend all those matters then.

Lincoln nodded and Clarke guided me to pick our breakfast.

We walked to another table and ate in silence, Clarke probably sensed my discomfort and gave me some space.

People began to speak again and I heard Clarke murmuring.

-I guess they are no longer angry with each other…

I lifted my head to look in Clarke's direction and I saw Lincoln and Octavia kissing as Clarke stood and shouted at Octavia.

-Ugh Octavia, you say Lexa and I are gross but look at you two, makes me wanna puke.

Octavia lifted her middle finger and shouted to Clarke.

-Fuck you Princess!

I was going to ask what that gesture meant when Clarke answered her and all my words died.

-Oh don't worry, Lexa takes care of that.

-What an interesting conversation...

Clarke went completely rigid, her face leaving her natural colour. In the mind time, my face burnt and I knew I was probably as red as a tomato.

-Mom we didn't see you, how was your day?

-Probably more boring than Lexa's and yours I guess.

I coughed awkwardly, praying for the earth to take my spirit away from here.

-Our day was pretty normal, nothing happened! We just slept until late in the morning because we were tired.

I saw Octavia trying to stop her laugh and Clarke's eyes went wide when she realised that what she had said didn't help her defence.

-Tired of training! Not tired because... Ugh! I'm out of here!

Clarke ran away from the dining room leaving me alone with and hysterical laughing Octavia, an amused Lincoln and an uncomfortable Abby. When I tried to follow Clarke, Abby caught my arm and pushed me to her side.

-Since all the "use precautions" doesn't apply in this case I will only say one thing, I don't care what you two do while you do it respecting each other, Am I clear?

I looked at my boots while I changed my weigh from one leg to another nervously.

-Crystal clear.

-Fine, go find Clarke, she was always a big overreacting person. Tell her that it didn't bother me, I know you are adults and it's your life, I was just shocked for a brief moment.

-I will tell her, farewell Abby.

I gave Octavia a murderous look before exiting the room, her laugh died immediately.

I found Clarke talking with Diaval and Sheidgeda, they were running and laughing ant that sight spread a warm feeling inside of me.

Clarke saw me and stopped running; she spoke with Diaval and walked to where I was standing.

-Sorry for leaving you alone…

-Nothing happened but I will be glad if you don't do it next time.

Clarke sighed heavily.

-I'm sure my mother yelled at you or something.

-Actually, she said that it didn't bothered her, of course it shocked her but she thinks we are adults.

-Definitely, somebody changed my mother for another person.

Clarke said amused.

-You should probably check her, just to be sure.

We both laughed and I saw Diaval and Sheidgeda getting closer so I asked Clarke.

-What were you playing?

-We were playing tag!

Diaval said happily.

-May I join you?

Diaval jumped and hugged me.

-Of course you can! But you're it!

And with that, Diaval and the other two started to run away from me while I gave them a smile and started running too.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

As the day passed by, we gathered up everything we needed and, after saying goodbye, we departure to Polis once more.

We stopped at the same village and then continued our path to Polis. We were almost there, a comfortable silence surrounded us before Clarke got near me on her horse.

-What are we going to do about Emerson?

-We need to stop Ashkna first, Emerson is alone, he can't hurt us anymore unless if he tries to come here alone.

-Yes right, we need to focus on our priority… I'm also concerned about Thelonious, he never came back from that City of Light.

-I didn't like him when we first met.

-That's rude Lexa.

-I'm just being honest there was something about him that I didn't like.

-He was acting a little bit odd the days before he left. But what if he found that City of Light?

-The City of Light is just a legend, he is probably dead by now.

Clarke punched my arm.

-Lexa stop being so mean!

-Sorry sorry…

-Lets go to kick some icy asses!

We heard Octavia shouting from behind as we approached Polis doors.

It had started to rain and only when we were almost there, I noticed something was wrong, feeling the itching and burn sensation, I realised what was happening.

-Everybody ride faster to the doors! It's acid rain!

The horses neighed and we moved fast at the doors, the sentinels already had opened them giving us access.

We got off and I looked at my surrounding.

-Are we all fine? Anyone missing?

Octavia looked at me worried and scared.

-Clarke, where is Clarke?

Just as she ended her question, my body acted without thinking, I grabbed a blanket and started to run.

_Clarke please, be fine._


	23. You said no star was out of reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Because you loved me by Celine Dion
> 
> _You were my strength when I was weak_
> 
> _You were my voice when I couldn't speak_
> 
> _You were my eyes when I couldn't see_
> 
> _You saw the best there was in me_

I ran, looking everywhere while I shouted Clarke's name from time to time. Suddenly I sensed movement from my right side so I turned and found a horse galloping.

-Clarke's horse... She must be near, somewhere.

Her horse passed me as a lightning and I kept shouting her name.

After some time, I heard someone screaming behind a tree.

-Shit shit shit shit!

I ran, following the sound and I found Clarke, taking off her jacket, inside a big hole in one of the trees.

-Don't Clarke! Don't take your clothes off! It only will make the effects of the rain worse.

Clarke looked alarmed until she identified my voice.

-Lexa! Thank God, I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.

I entered the hole when she put her jacket on, her face red and her eyes showing how scared she was.

-Are you alright?

-Everything burns and itch but I think I'm fine, are we going to dissolve or something?

Clarke asked me concerned, this was new for her so I decided to explain her what I knew.

-It is extremely strange, when there are these kind of rains, they only happen in specific areas of the region, none of them are near Polis.

-So you think this rain was created by someone?

-Yes, maybe, acid rains start with more force and the danger intensifies more quickly, we should be dead by now if this was a normal acid rain. From what I know, the rain corrodes everything it touches, but this rain produces rashes and small burns instead, these symptoms remind me of the mountain fog.

Clarke tensed.

-Emerson did this? Do you think he took some of their investigations with him?

-I'm not sure about it Clarke, but we should look into their researches.

-I will ask my mother when we are in Polis, because we are going to be safe, right?

I could feel her fear, in her voice, her eyes, the way she was playing with the hem of the blanket nervously. All I wanted was to hug her and reassure her that we were going to be fine but any contact could make our body suffer the consequences.

-Clarke, we are going to be fine, okay? We will just wait until it passes and then we will return to Polis, okay?

-Yes, okay, good.

We stayed in silence as time passed by, the rain didn't stop and that wasn't helping our soaked bodies.

-I can't stand it Lexa, all my body hurts and itches.

Clarke said almost whimpering.

-Change of plans, we will walk to Polis entry. Take the blanket and let's go.

I took off the blanket, leaving it near Clarke, and when I was going to get up Clarke caught my cape.

-No way Lexa, I'm not a princess in distress, you also need the blanket, so you are taking it.

It wasn't the right situation, nor the right time but Clarke was so serious about the blanket that I smiled while she rambled.

-Lexa! This is not funny, my skin is itching, my clothes almost combusting and you seem to be enjoying it.

-My apologies Clarke, but how much time passed until you found this hole?

-Well, my horse dropped me so I run trying to follow you but I lost you so I wandered through the forest until I found the hole.

-You are probably wetter than me, your skin is probably suffering more than mine. I don't doubt your power of will, but I'm only being fair.

-Fine...

While she covered with the blanket, I unclasped my cape and covered my head with it, leaving just a tiny line for my eyes.

Clarke looked at me amused.

-Lead the way, mummy raccoon.

-This is the second time you called me raccoon, what's the meaning of that nickname?

-Oh, you don't know what a raccoon is?

-No.

-Oh please remember me to draw a raccoon for you later.

-It's a deal Clarke.

-Yep.

Just when we were both out, an arrow flew from in front of us and Clarke fell to the ground groaning.

-Lexa! Somebody hit me!

I tried to help her but two figures appeared between Clarke and me, a man and a woman. One of them directly attacked me, her dagger aiming at my neck, I stopped the attack and head-butted her, her body falling to the ground.

I glared at Clarke who was struggling with another assassin who had managed to trap her, holding her arms and pushing his weight on her torso.

In the meantime, the other assassin's had gotten closer to me and I couldn't manage to avoid his hit.

His right fist collided with my ribs, I endured the blow and grabbed his arm, throwing him to the ground. I caught one of my knives and pierced his throat.

Without wasting time, I drew my blade and finished the other assassin quickly, sinking the blade in her chest.

Quickly I looked for Clarke, she had managed to change her position and she was now kneeling on top of the assassin's body, the arrow, now broken, in her left thigh; her hands where holding a knife stuck in the assassin chest.

While I approached her, she jumped, falling to her side, trying desperately to clean her hands.

I decided to stop her before she worsened her leg wound.

-Clarke, stop.

I said as neutral as I could. Finally Clarke focused her eyes on me and tears started to flow from her eyes.

-I killed him, I killed another person.

-Clarke he was going to murder you, you just defended yourself.

-But maybe I could have just knocked him or. ..

-He is an assassin from the ice nation, he wouldn't have stopped.

-What, how do you know that?

-Assassins in our clans don't wear distinctive clothes or marks or anything that could give clues to which clan they belong. But most of them fight and kill in different ways, these two were clearly from the ice nation, I have witnessed some of theirs attempts of murder already.

-Ashkna have tried to kill you?

-Several times but she uses them only as a game so I don't forget about her.

-She is so fucking sick...

-You have no idea... Let's go before we expose ourselves for too long.

I helped her to stand up.

-Wrap yourself in the blanket, I will carry you to the entry so a healer can attend your wound.

This time Clarke didn't object, probably because she was in real pain, after wrapping her body, I lift her between my arms and started to walk quickly to Polis.

-You surely work out, like a lot.

Clarke said while I jumped through roots and slopes.

-Or maybe you are thin.

Clarke laugh sweetly.

-I'm not sure about that, but you surely know how to flatter a lady.

I smiled under the cape.

-I am meant to serve you as best as I can.

Clarke got closer to me, looking like a cocoon.

-You know that I love you, right?

I held her more tightly, trying to make her feel safe.

-Yes Clarke, and I love you too.

__

_**

XXXXX

**_

__

When we reached Polis all of our companions helped us to get to my house.

When Kira saw us she shouted she would prepare a bath with herbs and salts to treat our body before she exited the room running.

Lincoln took Clarke to attend her leg while Octavia, Bellamy, Echo and Diaval followed me just behind him.

When he was finally bandaging Clarke's wound and after he said it wasn't deep nor dangerous, my body finally gave up. My legs lost all their force and when I tried to hold onto anything it was already too late, I found myself falling.

-Hey hey hey Lexa, are you okay?

I heard Octavia next to me, her arms around my waist while we both sat on our knees. She probably grabbed me just in time and slowed down my fall. I also saw Diaval and Sheidgeda getting near me and Bellamy and Echo looking concerned.

-I'm just exhausted, do not worry.

-Help her to take off her armour.

Clarke's tone was demanding, I forgot I couldn't fool her.

-It is not serious, there is no need to-

-Lexa, take your armour off now.

Gritting my teeth I started to take off my upper armour, no one dared to help me since they perceived my uneasiness. When I was finally left with only my tank top, Lincoln lifted it.

After a moment of silence, he spoke.

-I guess your armour didn't helped you, all your torso and back have several serious burns.

-That must hurt…

Octavia added.

Just then, Kira entered the room.

-It's all ready, the sooner you bath, the sooner your body will start to heal, let me guide you.

Kira signalled for the exit, we followed her as fast as we could.

When Clarke and I stepped inside the water, a sigh escaped both our lips and we both sunk deeply in the warm water. We stay in that position for a while until Kira told me I needed to take care of some issues.

After we bathed, I had to go briefly outside the main door to let my people and the leaders of each clans know what happened and that we were all fine as well, looking at Ashkna intensely while I said that last part. For a briefly moment her face showed pure rage and hate and I knew she was really trying to end her game once and for all.

After my speech, I assured all of them that tomorrow the banquet would take place and I retired inside the house afterwards, my head only planning how to protect my life, Clarke and everybody we cared about.

When I finally reached my bedroom after planning everything for tomorrow's banquet, I found Clarke already lying on my bed, her eyes closed. I didn't want to disturb her so I carefully tried to sit on the bed. She jumped when my weight make the bed sound a little, rubbing her eyes she greeted me.

-Hey there, how were your meetings?

-Let's say they were… busy.

Slowly, watching my moves, I lay next to her.

-May I lay my head on you, so I can feel you close to me?

Clarke directed my head to her chest while I moved my left arm to her waist, the movement almost caused me to groan.

-Are you sure you are fine this way? I'm seeing your face Lexa, you are hurting.

-I will be fine in one minute, believe me Clarke, please.

I had been so afraid today, I could have lost her again, if I hadn't found her, or if the arrow had hit her in other place or if the artificial rain had have the power of a real one.

_Was it really worth it to love someone? Was it worth all the pain, all the worries?_  
-Lexa, we are fine, I am fine, okay?

Her fingers drawing small circles around my hair. Once again she had managed to guess what I was thinking and the mere thought of knowing that I have such a deep bond with her answered my questions.

_Of course it is, of course it will always be worth it._  
I exhaled deeply before speaking.

-Tomorrow, before the banquet… would you…

I swallowed before continuing.

-Would you like to accompany me to visit Costia's grave?

Clarke patted my head slightly, drawing my attention to her, to those blue oceans. She leaned forward and kissed my forehead before answering slowly.

-It would be an honour Lexa, of course I will visit Costia's grave with you.

I nodded and smiled at her before resting my head on her chest again while she yawned before speaking.

-Now rest, we both need it and I'm not going anywhere.

She said returning to her past position, massaging my head once more while she hummed a relaxing melody.

Slowly and peacefully, I fell asleep.


	24. I have nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from I have nothing by Whitney Houston

I was woken by Clarke who was tossing around the bed, her body sweating and whimpering weakly. I tried to grab her shoulders to shake her but she started to hit me, her limbs colliding with my burned torso.

-You surely have strength…

I murmured while pain went over my body.

My first thought was to grab her wrist and stop her with my weight on top of her but immobilizing her was not the answer, it would probably make her even more stressed, so I closed the space between us and surrounded her with my arms. She shook her body trying to free herself, my body protested but I didn't loosen my grip.

-Clarke, it is a dream, wake up please… I'm here wake up.

I started to hum Costia's mother song while I carefully lifted her body, placing her body on top of my lap and bringing her head to my chest hoping she would feel that she was safe. I stayed sat against the headboard of the bed until she suddenly stopped moving and I heard a small gasp before I heard her spoke.

-Lexa?

-It was just a nightmare Clarke, you are alright.

Clarke just hugged me back and cried lowly while I tried to comfort her as best as I could.

When she finally looked up, I saw her puffy and red eyes searching mines.

-I drenched your shirt.

I washed away her last tear with my thumb while I smiled at her.

-Don't worry about that, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?

She sighed before she hugged me back and started to talk about her dream, her words muffled by her position.

-It was just another nightmare about the people I have murdered… Killing that assassin had brought up again all the pain…

-I can only offer my company to make your fears less terrifying because you already know how I feel about what you did and I can only wish you could see it the way I do.

-But I can't… I can't just kill so many people and live with it because I did it to save mine. It is not fair.

-The world where we live in is not a fair world, and you must focus on the survival of your people even if that means to destroy others. It can sound rude or savage but is the truth.

-I know… But I only can think about that we could change it… I refuse to believe we are destined to live in a society so unfair forever.

-Maybe one day those words will turn into a reality, but for now you must learn about the currently society, look into the big mistakes it brings along.

-Like what you are trying to do with the people who suffer some mutation.

-That's an example, yes. Keep working, never surrender, make other people see the mistakes too, make them realise they have the power to change those mistakes. People are capable of the worst things but they also have the power to create good things.

-But doing good things doesn't amend the bad ones. I can't resurrect a person saving another one, no matter how many lives I saved in the mountains it doesn't justify the fact that I took a lot of lives.

-I know Clarke, I know. But you need to find the strength to carry on with your life, it is not for you then for the people you protected.

She sighed and nodded. She moved her arms to set her hands on my sides which made a new jolt of pain run through my body.

Clarke must have noticed it because she moved her hands away from my body.

-You must be uncomfortable with my weight on top of your burned body… sorry…

-Stop apologizing please, you are going throw a huge battle in your mind and I just want to help you in everything I can. If my body is hurting is a secondary topic.

-So you are admitting I'm hurting you.

Clarke said matter of factly.

-Well yes but as I said a moment ago, tha-

-I will move to your side.

We both looked at each other trying to win and invisible battle.

-Fine.

Clarke smiled and carefully moved to my left side, I helped her not to hurt her leg while she moved.

With my back against the headboard and Clarke resting her head on my chest we stayed still in a comfortable silence.

I was drifting to sleep when Clarke raised her head

-Tell me about Ashkna, why does she hate you so much? I could understand her if the story about the murder of her sister was true but since it's totally false... Then why?

I looked at her shocked, I wasn't expecting that question at all and I couldn't find any word to answer her. Clarke took my silence as a bad sign and tried to drop the subject immediately.

-You don't have to tell me, sorry I shouldn't have asked...

-No, no, it is okay, I'm not offended nor hurt, it just surprised me.

-Are you sure? You won't be uncomfortable?

-No, I assure you I will not be uncomfortable telling you this story.

-Okay, tell me then.

She came back to her past position, her head resting over my chest once more.

-Do you remember I told you about how we choose our leaders?

-Yes I remember.

-Well, she was also one of the people who offered her vision to the elders.

-And she wasn't the chosen one, but that's no reason for hating you so much...

-It was because of her parents… The Ice Nation has always being a very isolated nation, and history always has showed the tension with my clan. Her parents not only trained her for being the next leader of their nation, but also to be the next Heda… I have no idea how, since only the spirit of the last one can choose the new one.

-So her parents were as crazy as her?

-I'm afraid they were even more… I have a close relationship with one of the Elders and… They tried to bribe them in order to put her daughter's design…

-I can't believe it!

-The Elders refused to accomplish their desire but they didn't make it public neither. When they knew about me being chosen as the next Commander, they changed their focus… They only trained Ashkna to kill me, so that she could destroy me someday at any cost.

-So she is decided to make your life a living hell…

I nodded and kissed her nose briefly before I continued my story.

-She tried to murder her sister because Kira was supposed to spy me, she didn't want to like most of the people in the Ice Nation, but she knew something was deeply wrong with her sister. So instead of succumb to the fear her sister used to reign, she pretended she was spying me without actually doing it. She knew sooner or later her sister would find out and she would end up dead but she didn't imagine her sister could use her to blame me of her dead.

-To kill your own sister just because she wasn't the chosen one and because your clans are supposed to hate each other is so fucked up.

-I don't know the meaning of that expression, probably a synonymous of wrong I guess.

-Yes... You can say it is.

-Well, she told me everything so I could believe her, she didn't want to die so with some of the people I trust the most here, we made up a convincing testimony to cover her death and give her a new opportunity to live without her sister knowledge.

-And nobody recognises her?

-She stayed hidden for a period before I introduced her as my bodyguard. However no so many people know her and when she goes out of my house, she always covers her face.

-I would say she has a tough life living always undercover but its definitely much better that what she had before.

-It is hard, I would not lie but she can live with more freedom, instead of just survive her sister day after day.

Clarke smiled at me and sighed happily.

-You are a good person.

-I'm not sure about that.

Clarke moved quickly and trapped my face between her hands.

-Stop punishing yourself. You are a good person, and you also do what you must to protect the people you are in charge of.

I smiled sadly at her and leaned into her touch before answering her.

-I guess we both have a lot of open wounds we need to heal.

-We sure do.

Clarke guided my head until her lips touched mine.

-Clarke.

-Hmm?

-We need to go to visit Costia.

-Oh I totally forgot about it, sorry.

She gave me a guilty look and this time I was the one holding her face between my hands and kissing her softly.

-What did I tell you about apologizing?

-Yeah… sor… I mean it won't happen again.

-Good.

I said nodding before we both moved to stand up.

-All my body hurts… Let's go back to bed Lexa, let's live in bed forever.

Clarke said whimpering sadly.

-You can stay if you are hurting too much Clarke, there is not a problem.

-What? It was a joke, oh wait you are not good with jokes, I forgot.

-Ha ha, so funny Clarke, I may die from laughing so hard.

Clarke hit me on my arm and started to walk slowly to the door.

-Are you sure you are okay? I don't want you to make your injury worse.

-Don't worry raccoon, let's go.

I smiled when I heard her calling me that.

-You still have to show me how they look like.

-After the party, come on!

-I don't know about you Clarke, but I don't like the idea of going outside with my currently clothes.

I tried not to laugh but seeing Clarke in only some shorts and a tank top willing to go outside at 7 in the morning made it very difficult.

-Oh! Yes we probably should change, my bad.

Clarke said blushing and I chuckled.

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Costia's grave was over a small hill outside Polis, with the sea in front of it.

We sat near a small totem decorated with symbols which represented her life, her path, her dreams.

-I really am in love with the work your people do with wood, this totem is beautiful Lexa.

-When I lost her most of the people told me to throw her ashes to the sea because she was murdered but I knew she always loved this spot and I couldn't find the strength to say goodbye to her. I would probably never can, so I order to make a totem for her with a story on them, her story.

Clarke nodded and kissed me softly. After catching Clarke's hand with mine I sent some thoughts to Costia, as I always do when I visit her grave.

_Thank you Costia, for everything. I just wanted to tell you that one more time, you know I will always thank you for everything you taught me._

-I wish I had met her.

Clarke broke the silence, staring at me.

-That will be an awkward situation Clarke, you are sometimes so weird.

-I didn't mean that, obviously if she was still alive we wouldn't have a relationship, but your eyes always show that special light when you speak or think about her and not, I'm not jealous. I just think she must have being a great person, I would have been more than happy to have a friendship with both of you.

-I understood what you say, and I think you would have like each other. You both always carry that invincible sparkle whenever you go.

-We would have make your life sooooo stressful.

-I can't even imagine, you would probably have been the death of me.

We both laughed and I shared some funny story with Clarke about Costia for some time.

It felt nice to have the opportunity to live such a peaceful moment here at last. I wasn't trapped by the familiar guilty feeling that always invaded me when I visited Costia.

At some point a blue butterfly landed on the top of Costia's totem. Clarke stopped talking and looked at it and then at me, she reached her hand and the butterfly climbed into it.

I watched how she looked at the butterfly, and my heart warmed a little more to Clarke when she whispered softly.

-Nice to meet you Costia.

The butterfly flapped her wings before she fled away and I got closer to her before hugging her with my left arm around her back and her head reposing on my shoulder.

We watched the butterfly fly further away before we couldn't see it anymore.

I was the first one to break the silence, standing up and cleaning my pants.

-We still have time until the party, what do you want to do?

I helped her to stand up and we began to descend the hill.

-You can show me around Polis, and then we can go back to get ready for the party.

Clarke said while she started to pull my arm directing us to the harbour.

It was a very relaxing morning, some of the villagers greeted us and Clarke also played with some kids near the shore after I promised we would get on a boat tomorrow.

After our small trip through Polis, we both took a bath and then we get ready for the party. I put my armour on while Clarke chose a lighter attire, with her usual jacket, shirt and trousers.

-I guess this is not a well-dressed party…

She complained pouting.

-That only happens at really important parties, sorry Clarke.

-Meh it's okay, let's go.

She said while I bent my arm so she could hold into it.

_**Clarke's POV** _

At first I thought the party would be a nice idea, people having fun, celebrating "peace" and the comeback of their loved ones… But it only lasted until I noticed Lexa's strange behaviour.

When we entered the big room where the leaders of the 12 clans were going to stay, Lexa moved away from me and started to greet every people

My patience reached its limit when a woman rested her hands on Lexa's hips and whispered to her.

I touched Lexa's shoulders and she jumped, getting away from the bit- bad lady.

-Oh Clarke, this is Luna, she is the leader of the boat tribe.

-Can we talk in private for a moment, Commander?

I said trough gritted teeth. Lexa just looked at me confused by the use of her honorific name.

-Of course, follow me.

She started to walk and I followed her, my head almost exploding for all the rage I was feeling.

Just as we entered an empty small room and Lexa closed the door, I shouted at her.

-What the fuck do you think you are doing? Why are you acting like this?

-Acting like what? I don't understand.

She tried to act like she didn't know but I saw how her eyes focused on anything but mine, which only made me feel more angry at her.

-So the whole, "let's pretend we barely know each other" dynamic you are playing today it's all a lie.

-That's not what it is happening…

-Oh really? It's like you are miles away from me, why?

-Listen Clarke I will explain everything to you later, I promise.

Was she trying to move on so easily? She didn't know what she got coming.

_**Lexa's POV** _

I knew I was acting strange but it was because I was scared for us, because I didn't want to live again the same I lived with Costia…

Since Clarke didn't make any attempt to answer me, I started to move to open the door when she shouted again.

-I can't touch you Lexa! I have to think what I'm going to say because every time I didn't talk you politically correct you looked at me as if I had grown two heads. And I also have to stand people trying to flirt with you? It is so difficult for you to stay in my arms that I have to imagine you here with me?

She shouted while she pushed me until I hit the door with a loud thud.

The pain of the collision and the pain Clarke's words caused me were enough reasons to explode.

I pushed her arms away from me and I answered her.

-It's not that simple Clarke! I wish it was that simple but it's not! I wish I could tell the whole world that I love you but that would mean only one thing, the same thing it meant when I made my relationship with Costia public.

Clarke watched me shocked because of my outburst while I kept speaking.

-That I got nothing if I don't have you.

I said sadly while Clarke's eyes filled with tears.

-And forgive me Clarke but it is so difficult for me to show how much I care for you... I have lost everybody I cared about... Maybe I'm a selfish person, maybe I'm hurting you letting you think I'm ashamed of our relationship, but I can assure you, that is the last thing I want.

As I finished explaining her what I was thinking and feeling, I turned around and walked through the door just to find silence, silence and the whole room looking at me.

Perfect, now the leaders of the 12 clans and their seconds knew everything.

_**Clarke's POV** _

I doubt for a moment before my mind registered everything that had just happened.

_She is just scared, she loves you, you stupid, she told you but you chose to forget about it and started to create stupid stories on your mind._

-Shit.

I ran through the door hoping to find Lexa before she went away again.

When I exited the room, I collided with Lexa's body but she didn't turn around, she just kept looking at the big room where the party was taking place.

And that's when I noticed that all of them were silent

_You are just making everything worse and worse. They probably heard all your discussion and now they know about us… Not only that, they just witnessed the sky girl talking their Heda up._

Just when my breathing started to get more and more out of control Lexa embraced me.

-Clarke focus on me, follow my breathing.

I followed Lexa's advice and relaxed enough to speak to her.

-I did it again…

-What did you do again?

-I can't even do a single fucking thing right!

Lexa lifted my face holding my chin with one hand.

-Listen to me Clarke, you have all the right to doubt and to get upset, you didn't know this could happen… Although I would have preferred we had discussed this in private. But what is done, is done.

Just then Luna stood up and walked to where we were standing.

-I must apology to you Clarke from the Sky people… I didn't know you were with her. It's just a game we have been playing for ages, my only way to annoy her.

She got closer to me and whispered on my ear.

-She tends to be a little bit introverted and she didn't tell me, but I'll fall back. It's nice to see someone finally breaking her walls.

She winked at me and smiled before going back to her table.

The rest of the people kept looking at us, they seemed they didn't know what to do, it was kind of funny, in a twisted way.

-So you are the annoying girl who has now take control of my daughter's mind?

_Wait what?_

-Daughter?

I moved my gaze looking for the source of the voice.

-Well at least you are beautiful, I can imagine how you control her.

Was he really insinuating what I thought he was insinuating? Well, he chose a bad moment to call me a slut.

I was ready to call him anything but nice when Lexa's voice interrupted me.

-Enough! I'm not going to allow you to talk to Clarke… To my partner with that tone.

-Your partner, please… I thought after Costia you would finally settle down and focus on your people and a man. But you preferred to find another woman, and even better, she doesn't even belong to our clan.

Lexa's father was a miserable man, whose life probably was so sad that he needed to destroy others to feel better. That description suited him pretty well.

-This is not the moment nor the place to discuss this topic father, so drop it.

Lexa demanded while she stepped before me and she hold my hand.

-Oh I think it is, go on and tell everybody that you have feelings for this, girl, tell them that you disrespect every single rule we have been following since the end of the nuclear war.

Just when he finished with his hurting words I noticed Lexa's body language changing, her nervous demeanour turning into one of resolve.

-I'm done with living pretending, I love Clarke and I don't care if she is not part of our clans, I simply don't care. The rest of the people don't have to explain why they love who they love, well I have just decided that neither do I. Get out of here right now.

I tighten the grip trying to tell her she wasn't alone, she just opened to all the people in this room and I wasn't going to let her fight this battle alone, not when I have caused it.

-And you pretend to carry on with a relationship that doesn't respect our traditions?

-That is something I will discuss with Clarke, she and her people have to decide if they want to join us or not.

Her father was about to answer her when I stopped him.

-It's that what it takes to shut your mouth then I will join your people.

Lexa turned her gaze to me, her eyes showing nothing but panic and fear.

-Clarke don't, it is not as simple as just saying "I'll join your people".

I was going to ask her why was she so afraid when her father started to laugh, and his laugh was so different from Lexa's, so hollow, so cold. When he stopped he spoke, a sickening smile still on his face.

-Oh and you surely can manage to get the support of 5 people in this room to let Clarke and her people to face the trial to join our clans.

Well, for better or for worse we were just about to know the answer to that question.


	25. My kind of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from My kind of love by Emeli Sande

-Excuse us for a moment.

I dragged Clarke to the same room where we had our quarrel.

-Clarke what in the name of the spirits are you doing?

-What? I was just tired of his manners, he is infuriating!

-I know Clarke, he is my father, I know him pretty well.

I sighed and moved my hand to my hair, I was so nervous. This was going anything but good.

-And because I know him, I know that he just got want he wanted.

Clarke looked at me confused.

-What do you mean? He clearly doesn't want me near you, I thought I annoyed him...

-No you didn't, he just wanted you to fight him, push you to join our clan.

-You say it like if me being a part of your people would be the worst thing on the world.

She was acting distant and mean towards me all of a sudden, I quite didn't understand it. I answered her a bit exasperated.

-That's not the point Clarke, can't you see it? Which is the only way to join my clan that you know?

-Well, I only know Octavia who joined your clan because she became Indra's second.

That's when Clarke finally realized where she was standing.

-Oh my god, he wants me to be someone else subordinate.

-You deserve to lead your people Clarke, you don't belong in a second position, serving anyone.

-Again with that Lexa, I'm not the leader of anything!

-You can deny it all you want Clarke, but deeply in your mind you know you are meant to guide your people.

Clarke looked at me, clearly irritated by our conversation.

-Maybe I don't want to lead them, not if I have to live with the pain of choosing them over everything. Let me be your second.

Clarke always being stubborn and irrational in the worse places.

-I can't do that Clarke. You know you are the only one able to be your people's leader.

-And how do you know that? You barely know me, you even left so tell me, since when do you know me so well to assume I'm the true leader to my people?

Her words hurt, I knew she didn't mean them, I knew she was under a lot of stress and pain, so I calmed myself before answering her.

-Because you are the one who put your people over your moral, over your own wellbeing. You could take all the weight of the sacrifices your people would do in order to survive; so they would live without the grief, without the guilt. Because you are exactly like me.

Clarke stayed speechless, her blue orbs lost in deep memories, swimming in her mind. I watched her carefully, fearing that I had said the wrong words.

-Okay okay I get it... I'm just like you, I can't keep running from my duty but... I also don't want to be a chicken and go out there and say that I regret to have said that I will join your clan.

She was so conflicted with herself, I only wanted to help her.

An idea then came to my mind. It was a dangerous and very important option but I knew Clarke, I believed in her so I shared it with her.

-There is actually another way so you can join our clan without having to submit to anybody else.

-I'm sensing a big but in that new way.

I breathed deeply.

-You can opt to be a link between both groups, you will only have to follow your people's rules always respecting us. But you will be independent.

-So far so good, where is the problem?

-You have to prove yourself, psychologically and physically. The elders will choose both trials.

-I, I don't know if I can do this. I'm just a girl, a girl surrounded by death and nightmares and I barely can keep your pace when we train. How am I supposed to pass two trials? I will fail-

I caught her hands and stopped her rambling.

-I believe in you Clarke, but it's time for you to believe in yourself.

Just then her eyes changed. I knew she wasn't recovered yet, I knew she had still a long journey to overcome her problems. But she got back her look, that look that only belonged to her, the look I saw in her the first time we met, the look capable of everything.

-I look like a teenager with hormone problems... Okay, I'm Clarke Griffin and I have come so far believing in my own strength and I'm going to recover it right now.

She smiled at me before approaching the door.

-I will face the trials and I will act as a link between both worlds until we reach an agreement, alliance or union.

We exited the room and found the whole room once more looking at us.

-I hope you enjoyed your conversation.

My blood boiled with rage, my father started to follow a self-destructive path long ago trying to take me with him. I wasn't going to allow him to hurt Clarke too.

But Clarke knew how to defend herself and she showed how good she was at it.

-First of all, since you are an adult I expect you to act as one; second I don't give a fuck if your life is full of hate and disdain, you have no right to come here and insult me without even knowing me. Third, my relationship with Lexa is none of your business; and last but not least, I'm going to offer my knowledge and time to act like a link between my people and yours, I will be part of your people and it will not imply a problem to the Commander if she decides to keep our relationship.

My father looked shocked, his mouth opening and closing without speaking a word.

-Now that everything is solved, feel free to go, father, we will speak with the elders tomorrow.

My father just glared at us and ran away from the room, muttering things to himself.

I let a small breath leave my lips before speaking to the crowd.

-Please continue with the celebration, we apologize for the interruption.

Everybody seemed to go back to enjoy the party while I spoke with some of them about politics and war, this time I stayed closer to Clarke. At the beginning I was nervous and tensed but as time passed and Clarke melted more and more with the people I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the party with her.

However, I couldn't miss Ashkna's stares and how their made me extremely uncomfortable.

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After the party we came back to my home, we didn't say a word until we entered my room and I broke the silence.

-We should check on your leg and our burns.

Clark just looked at me disappointed and started to get undressed. I knew she wanted to talk but I wasn't going to push her, so I followed her.

After some minutes we both sat on the bed in our undergarments, our burns covered by the oil Kira let on my bedside. Clarke finally brought the topic.

-I think we should talk.

I nodded and waited for her to speak while I removed her leg bandages.

-I overreacted today and I should have thought about the situation before shouting at you in public.

I knelt in front of her and started to clean her wound before dressing it again while she tensed her jaw.

-Thank you, Lexa. I put you in a complicated situation like if I was a child and you still find the way to understand it and not get angry with me…

I stopped my movements and looked at her, her eyes fixed into mines.

-I acted like a coward Clarke, I should not have feared to be with you.

-Well you had your reasons but I'm not Costia, the past is the past, it doesn't have to be the same way with me, we don't let it happen again.

As she finished talking, she moved her hands to my face, touching my cheeks gently.

-I know, but it still haunts me when I think I finally escaped from its grip.

-I understand you perfectly.

She smiled sadly at me and leaned slowly until her lips brushed mine and I smiled before kissing her.

Just as I deepened the kiss, I heard murmurs behind the door and suddenly the door burst opened and the owners of the muffled voices entered the room.

-We heard from Luna all that happened and-

Octavia, Bellamy, Lincoln, Monty and Diaval suddenly burst in the room.

-Oh my God they are naked, cover Diaval and Bellamy!

Monty shouted before covering his eyes.

-What!? And what about Lincoln!?

Bellamy shouted back.

-I trust Lincoln but I definitely don't trust you!

Monty answered making his way to the door.

Octavia started to laugh uncontrollably while all the boys exited the room, Bellamy talking angrily about being a gentleman.

Clarke just stared at Octavia, jaw dropped, body stilled.

-So the discussion was clearly an excuse to angry sex.

Clarke started to throw pillows at Octavia as she finished speaking.

-Why you always manage to embarrass me! Go away!

Octavia laughed again while she dodged the pillows.

-But I was hoping I could stay and watch!

I looked amused at the situation, Octavia's laugh growing louder while Clarke's face turned redder.

When Clarke ran out of ammunition she caught a vase and I decided it was enough. I gently caught her hand and spoke to her.

-I think you don't really want to damage even more Octavia's mental health hitting her on the head with this.

I kissed her cheek and we laughed while Octavia looked at us annoyed.

-You know what? I liked you more when you were a cold hearted bitch.

Octavia said to me angrily.

-I don't think you should speak like that to your Commander Octavia…

Clarke said worried, fearing my reaction to her offending words.

-It is not a problem Clarke, I'm not offended by her words. Indra on the other hand may want to punish her for her bad manners.

Clarke smiled again while Octavia's face turned white for a brief moment before showing her irritation once again.

-Thanks for killing the mood Commander. I changed my mind, I'm not staying, go on and continue.

Clarke looked exasperated and huffed before answering Octavia.

-We were just checking our wounds Octavia jeez... We aren't even naked!

-Oh so now you call it "check the wounds". Whatever floats your boat princess. You can finish whatever you were doing and then we can talk about the trials.0

Octavia glared again at me before going out. I turned my gaze to Clarke who was still red.

-Well let's finish with your leg and we can talk with your friends.

Clarke pouted before nodding sadly.

-I really was hoping to have that angry sex Octavia mentioned. Without the angry part of course.

-Fear not my beloved partner, we shall make your wish come true after we attend our guests.

Clarke elbowed me blushing and laughing.

-You are unbelievable.

-I told you already, I try my best just for you.


	26. Chapter 26: Holding out for a hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Holding out for a hero by Bonnie Tyler

Clarke and I entered one of the many living rooms that my home had. Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Echo and Kira were waiting inside of it.

-Where is my brother?

-And Monty?

Clarke asked after me.

-They went to find Sheidgeda, I guess they felt this was going to be a boring discussion so they went to do more entertaining things.

Bellamy answered and stood from his chair.

-Now if you don't mind, Commander, would you care to explain what is happening?

Bellamy sounded annoyed.

-What did Luna tell you?

-She told me what happened to Lincoln. Miss jealous had an attack and then your father came to fuck things up just a little more. To sum up, she now has to face some trials.

Octavia explained what they knew and I saw how Clarke's face was a mix of anger and embarrassment.

-She had to tell you everything, didn't she?

-Somebody needs to calm down.

Octavia answered back.

-And that's me? She was the one who was all over Lexa last night and Lexa acting-

I covered her mouth with my hand.

-Clarke, I thought we were pass through this, aren't we?

I looked into her eyes and I saw remorse, I moved my hand away and caught hers between mines.

-I know, you both explained to me, I'm just being stupid, again.

She sighed and lowered her head, not daring to look at me.

-Don't, Clarke. Don't punish yourself. You know I would never do something like cheating you. We have more important things to discuss. I'm not leaving anywhere, okay?

Just as Clarke looked up and smiled at me, Octavia made a disguising gag sound.

-Please Lincoln, tell me we are not like them!

Bellamy started to laugh.

-Sometimes you two are even worse than them!

We joined his laughs while Lincoln hold Octavia who was trying to hit her brother.

When the atmosphere finally relaxed, Lincoln broke the silence.

-Heda, what Clarke proposed in the celebration is to be a link?

I nodded and he nodded back.

-Then we need to prepare her as best as we can.

-Wait, wait. You may know what that means, but Bellamy and I are a completely lost.

Octavia shouted again, I wonder if she goes shouting all day, every day of every week.

-My father wanted to make her be my second just as you were… I mean are, of Indra.

-And where is the bad in that?

Octavia asked confused.

-Don't take this as an offense to yourself, but Clarke is the true leader of the Sky People and if she had turned into my second, then she would have lost the power she has. You are a soldier and to be a second is an honourable task for you but for Clarke, it would mean an insult to her leader spirit.

Octavia and Bellamy took in all the information.

-So becoming a link, would make us part of your people until we reach a solution?

Bellamy was the one asking now.

-You won't be a part of our coalition, nor our people. But Clarke will be a messenger between both groups and as a link, she will be able to ensure that neither of us will hurt the other.

-So we are using her again to keep ourselves safe.

Octavia commented through greeted teeth.

-You are not using me Octavia. I decided to do this willingly until our people chose a path to follow.

Octavia stood still for a moment, her head trying to make a decision.

-Okay, I know you just want to help us Clarke. But you are not alone in this, you don't have to bear all of this by yourself. And before you say anything about dealing with this on your own so we can be happy, just don't. I want you to be happy too so don't forget that I will help you in everything I can.

Bellamy moved closer to Clarke and smiled at her.

-All that my sister said, I think the same way, Clarke, You are the one chosen to lead our people but that doesn't mean you have to do it without help.

Clarke jumped to hug Bellamy and after that she enveloped Octavia in another one. When they moved apart, she came back to my side and held my hand. I gave a gentle squeeze before speaking again but I was interrupted by Octavia.

-After this gross moment, I see myself forced to tell you the real reason why you make the decision to be the link.

Clarke looked at Octavia as confused as I was.

-So you can be all smoochy with Lexa without people, especially Lexa's father, bothering you!

Lincoln, for the thousand time, turned pale, Bellamy just tried to hold his laughter while Echo looked alarmed.

Clarke changed into rage mode while I found my cheeks burning but it couldn't be, I wasn't blushing in front of them.

But of course Octavia would notice and even before Clarke had tried to harm her, she pointed at me, a mischievous smile on her mouth.

-Is the great Commander actually blushing?

-I'm not blushing, Octavia. None of you think I was blushing.

My cold voice made Octavia jump and she covered herself behind Lincoln. I smiled slightly and Clarke chuckled softly.

-Lexa is trying to improve her joking skill, I guess she still has a long way.

-Not cool, not cool at all.

Mumbled Octavia as Echo spoke to me.

-You are so different, Heda. Ashkna has created and spread an image of you that is the opposite. I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to know the real Commander of the twelve clans. Whatever happens in the future, remember that the Ice Nation is not Ashkna, please.

Echo looked at me, her eyes pleading for me to listen to her request. I looked at Kira, who had been watching everything, briefly and she nodded.

-I am aware of that, Echo. Although I owe you an apology. I didn't trust you because you were part of the Ice Nation when I should have judged you for who you are, a person.

Echo smiled, a true smile, before answering.

-I accept your apology Heda. And you must know, the day you accepted us, was the day I made one of the best decisions in my life.

I nodded at her and offered her the hand which Clarke wasn't holding. Echo took it and we shook hands. It felt good to finally get to tell her how I felt and her words, reassured me. I did the right thing that day, I was sure now.

-We must focus on Clarke now. We need to help her to get ready for the trials. I can help her with the spiritual one, although I will need your help Lincoln.

-We still need to talk with the Elders, Kira. They have to accept her.

Kira looked at me as if I was actually doubting they would accept her petition.

-She vanished Mount Weather, of course they will accept her. Who will help her with the physical trial?

-I can assist her when I'm not busy with my duties. Clarke you will need Luna's help.

Instead of reacting again with anger, Clarke nodded, her face showing nothing but seriousness.

-I can also help her, if you let me of course.

Echo said, her voice showing her insecurity.

-Of course you can help Clarke, since you have received training from the ice nation, you can offer her a whole new field of abilities.

We kept talking about strategies and rules until a warrior entered the room.

-My apologies Heda, but some members of the council of the twelve clans want to see you.

After breathing to calm myself, I nodded to the warrior and the doors opened completely.

Some of the members of the twelve clans where standing in front of us, waiting for me to ask what brought them here, Luna was between them. No signal of Ashkna or her second.

Kira quickly covered her head, fearing to find someone who might recognise her.

-What brings nine leaders of their clans and their seconds to my presence?

-We just wanted to express our acceptance towards you and Clarke, we know you don't need our approval, but we will support your relationship whatever happens after the trials.

-I appreciate your support, I made this coalition because I believed we could leave our differences behind to live united, and gestures like these, prove that it could really happen.

One by one, all of them bowed to me and Clarke. Just then I remembered we were still holding hands, I had to use all my self-control not to smile at seeing Clarke blushing furiously.

-Being all said, we will leave you alone to keep going with your reunion, thank you for receiving us, Heda.

Luna signalled everyone to stand up.

-Luna, can you stay for a moment?

-Of course Heda.

When everybody left the room I asked Luna.

-Luna, could you help Clarke to improve her physical skills, I'm afraid I can't spend all my time training her.

Luna moved to where Clarke and I were standing, and hugged both of us, her arms holding our shoulders and necks.

-Of course I will help! I can't wait to get to know you better!

Luna said to Clarke once she moved apart from us. Afterwards, she approached me and hit my arm three times before turning around, her hand wavering in the air and her back towards us.

-I will see you tomorrow then Princess.

And with that, Luna exited the room leaving everyone speechless.


	27. Desert to ice flow, I will follow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally next chapter! Clexa is a wonderful ship and the show can go float itself :3  
> I saw some parts of the WonderCon and… Let’s just pretend that JR didn’t open his mouth, we will be happier.  
> As always you can comment on everything you want :)  
> Title from Shadow by Birdy

-Well now I understand why you got so mad yesterday, Luna is… Special.  
-She is Costia’s sister, our relationship is old and… Complicated.  
-What!?  
Clarke shouted, her face showing a high level of confusion.  
-You told me Costia grew up with you, how can she be Costia’s sister if she is the leader of the boat clan?  
-I think we should go.  
Lincoln started to walk to the door, dragging Octavia with him while Bellamy and Echo just followed the behind. Kira looked at me for a few seconds before following the healer too.  
-I wanted to hear the gossip Lincoln, you are such a killjoy.  
I heard Octavia saying just as Kira closed the door, leaving me alone with Clarke.  
-Costia and Luna had the same father. Costia was the result of a one night stand between her mother and their father. Her mother was a trader who exchanged products between Luna’s village and ours. She was always a very fragile woman. However when she discovered she was pregnant, she decided to have Costia, although in the end, her decision cost her life, leaving Costia with her grandmother. Years passed and one night, Luna showed up in our room at Polis. Her father had told her everything about Costia and her mother, but instead of being angry or disrespectful towards Costia, she offered Costia a sister, a family. When Costia died… Luna was one of the few people who I allowed to see my suffering and pain. As time passed, we developed a relationship of sisterhood.  
-She will murder me while we train tomorrow, she will murder me.  
Clarke started to pace around the room, her arms moving wildly, I hold her still.  
-She won’t murder you, why would she?  
-Because I’m with her sister’s ex-girlfriend! And I’m putting you in so many troubles. Oh my God…  
-First of all Clarke, relax yourself. She is not going to kill you, she will maybe be a little… Intense with you but it’s her nature.  
-But she maybe has the need to protect you, since you have been through so much, and I’m just slowing everything down.  
-Do not think that, that is not true, and you are aware of it. You are human, you are a woman who has been forced to take so many difficult decisions, always thinking of your people’s wellbeing even though nobody has taught you how. Of course you are allowed to make mistakes, and I will never judge you for them.  
Clarke looked at me, her blue orbs shining with such gratitude and kindness, like if I was the first person to tell her that. My heart ached as I realised that it was probably the truth.  
-Sometimes I feel like you are the only one who truly understands me, people are starting to see now what I have been doing for them, but you always knew, you always understand my decisions, my feelings, you never reproached me anything.  
-Because we are the same.  
I smiled at her and she hugged me, her arms enveloping me with a little too much force but before I could tell her anything, she spoke.  
-I don’t know what I would do without you, if something ever happens to you I don’t know if I could keep going forward.  
I returned her embrace before answering softly.  
-I’m here, and I pretend to stay here for a long time but if my spirit decides that is time to move to the next Commander, I will always be with you and the next Heda would assist you.  
-But I don’t want the next Commander, I want you.  
I smiled once more at her words.  
-As I just told you, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.  
-Your spirit stays with you, no more talking about your death or the next Commander, it is forbidden.  
-I promise you, I will command my spirit to never leave my body as long as you wish.  
I kissed her forehead and she smiled sighing contently.  
-It’s late, we should go back to our room.  
-Our room, I like that.  
Just as we exited the room, we found Ashkna and her second staring at us.  
-Well, well, well, I was wondering where you were, what a coincidence.  
I immediately put Clarke behind me. There was not a single guard in the corridor, I started to tense and panic at the same time.  
-No need to protect your pretty little diamond, Commander. I would never attempt to harm you or your lover.  
Just as AShkna finished speaking, her second threw herself towards me with two small blades directed at my chest. Knowing that Ashkna may would try to harm Clarke while her second distracted me, I pushed Clarke to the opposite side.   
What happened next was, impressing at least. Instead of waiting me to protect her, Clarke waited until I blocked Ashkna’s second attack catching her hands and forcing her to stop her movements, to throw a perfect hook to the second’s chin.  
She fell backwards, her hands losing the hold over her blades which fell to the ground.  
Everything stopped, Ashkna’s face showed a glimpse of surprise before hiding it under her usual stoic face.  
-Forgive Ontari, she can’t control herself.  
Picking her second and her blades from the ground, Ashkna started to walk away.  
-You are not going to stop her? She just attacked us in the middle of your house!  
-You know I wish I could… But there was no one else, we have no evidences.  
Clarke huffed exasperated, and started to walk to our bedroom.  
-She could just go and float herself and leave the rest of the fucking world in peace, I swear I have never met such a cruel, stupid, sadistic bitch in my whole life. “Forgive Ontari, she can’t control herself” Really? You think we are dumb or something… Ugh!  
Clarke kept saying insults and profanities until we entered the bedroom.  
I stopped death in my tracks and Clarke collided with my back before she closed the door behind me.  
-What the hell Lexa!?  
If Clarke wanted to keep talking, I didn’t give her the chance. My lips found hers in a passionate kiss, our noses brushing briefly while we kissed. When I finally moved my lips away from her I stared at her eyes, my breath heavy against her mouth.  
-You attacked Ontari with me.  
-Yes, and?  
-It was so… Appealing to see you move so gracefully, I just can’t stop thinking about it…  
Clarke left a soft chuckle escape her lips while I moved my lips through her jaw until I ended on her neck.  
-You are turned on by my superior fight skills?  
-I wouldn’t call them superior, but you are clearly a fast learner…  
I whispered near her ear, making Clarke shiver.  
-So we almost died and instead of being afraid, you find it exciting, you are unbelievable…  
The ghost of a smile touched my lips as my hands settled on Clarke’s waist, moving her closer to the bed slowly. 

**

XXX

**

Next morning I woke up feeling slender fingers going over my back, following my tattoo.  
-Good morning.  
Clarke whispered before kissing my back tenderly.  
-Good morning to you too ai hodnes. _(My love)_  
I turned around and faced Clarke, her lips forming a beautiful smile.  
-How are you?  
I asked her, remembering her wounded leg since our light burns were almost healed.  
-I’m fine, my leg only bothers me a little when I sharply move it.  
-I’m glad you are fine.  
I answered her before I kissed her nose, making her giggle.  
While I looked at her, I remembered about those strange raccoons she kept talking about.  
-Will you show me those raccoons you were talking about?  
Clarke’s face lit up immediately.  
-Of course!  
She stood up and went to catch her art supplies, my eyes concentrated on her uncovered form while she searched for her sketch book.  
-If you keep looking, you will make a hole on my body.  
I moved my eyes to the nearest thing away from Clarke,  
-It was a joke silly.  
She sat down and, after hitting me lightly, started drawing, keeping the painting away from my view. I waited until she finished it, and when she showed me the famous raccoons, I started laughing.  
-My war paint is just like their faces!  
Clarke watched me amused while I kept chuckling softly, inspecting the draw and the strange animals.  
-They lived on Earth before the nuclear bombs, I wish they still exist, you should totally have one as your pet.  
-Sheidgeda would probably get jealous and eat it.  
Just as Clarke chuckled softly Sheidgeda opened the door of our room and jumped toward us, the sketchbook falling to the floor while Sheidgeda started to lick us after she trapped us under her body.  
-Why is she doing this!?  
I heard Clarke shouting.  
-She did this every day when I was in Polis, I guess now that I have come back, she is going to do the same but with the both of us…  
-Oh no, I refuse to live this every day, her breath is… horrible! Disgusting!  
Suddenly Sheidgeda stopped her bathing task and settled between us, her eyes looking at Clarke.  
-Okay… Maybe I will be able to get used to this but just because your face is so adorable and you are too fluffy.  
We stayed enjoying the silence and Sheidgeda’s presence for a while, until we both got up, knowing we needed to get ready for the day.   
When we finished dressing and Clarke was about to leave the room, I caught her arm gently and spoke:  
-After your training and my meetings, we should go see the Elders, and I would also like to take you on a boat trip, not too far from Polis, you were so excited to go to the sea but after all that happened we hadn’t been able to go there…  
Clarke smiled and hugged me.  
-I would love to go on a boat trip with you, if I’m still alive after the training with Luna…  
-Stop being so dramatic, you will be fine.  
I gave one last kiss trying to reassure her.

**Clarke’s POV**  
 _Don’t panic, don’t be afraid, she is just going to help you training for two hours and then you will be back with Lexa._  
I was waiting in a small training field not too far from Lexa’s building, there were trees around the training area and I could see small holes covered by some kind of glass that let the morning light illuminate the space.  
-Good morning, Clarke.  
I jumped and turned to see Luna smiling at me. Her dark hair was tied up and her brown eyes looked amused at me.  
-You scared me Luna, it is too early in the morning for me to be full awaken.  
-Poor you, I really pity you, it’s so unfair.  
Luna said mockingly. I could see now her features clearly, her nose was marked by a thin scar and a blue snake started on her right side and continued under her armour. Her tanned skin was proof of living in the sea.  
-Mockery is not the product of a strong mind Luna.  
I answered her, repeating the words that Lexa once said to me.  
-You are starting to speak like Lexa, it’s so disturbing.  
She countered, but her smile showed she didn’t mean it like an insult.  
-Well, shall we begin?  
-Yes, thank you for helping me with the trials.  
Luna just winked at me and started to explain some strategies and movements while I listened to her.  
When we were just about to start to practice, Sheidgeda appeared walking slowly to us, her whiskers twitching as she sniffed the air.  
-Sheidgeda what are you doing here?  
I asked her and, of course, she just watched me and sit beside me, panting and moving her tail.  
-You already gained Sheidgeda’s trust, I’m literally dying to get to know you better.  
Luna commented, petting the black panther for a moment before looking back at me.  
-I will go easy on you today because it is your first day and your leg is still injured, but only today, keep that in mind.  
I nodded and got ready.  
-I will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to have an update for next Monday


	28. Starting to heal and find some faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only read what is happening with the show and, let's just say I'm glad I stopped watching it :(
> 
> New chapter is focused on Clarke and a little bit on Lincoln because I love him so much too ^^
> 
> Title from Start again by Birdy (Sorry but I'm obsessed with her new album :3)

_**Clarke's POV** _

Luna turned to be a really good teacher and she didn't try to kill me… I think.

-You are a fast learner, with this now you know all the basic movements. I can also see that you had already trained with a grounder, Lexa probably.

I stopped and my face turned white.

_She will murder me now, Lexa come soon please._

-Yeah, she helped me some time ago, I asked her after the assassins and the acid rain…

-Oh, yes, I remember, Lexa went back to save you.

She was blaming me for Lexa's injuries, my fear for this woman started to rise as my brain wondered if she knew that I shot at her Commander and friend.

-I wonder why Lexa would voluntary sacrifice her wellbeing to save the person who tried to kill her with a gun, do you may know why?

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

-Because she loves me as I love her too.

I blurted out without thinking, my mouth moving quicker than my brain.

Luna looked as surprised as me for a brief moment before going back to the serious demeanour that she was previously showing.

-You both are in love with each other after all the things that happened between Lexa and you.

-Yes.

-And I have to believe you.

-I guess… or can you think of other thing to justify why we are together?

Luna took a step towards me, making my feet to move backwards.

-Are you ing Lexa?

_What!? Was she being serious!?_

-What on Earth makes you think that!? How can I be ing her? She is the Commander of the 12 clans, she is strong enough to keep such a fragile coalition together and I am just a girl who fell from the Sky.

-You are the Skaikru leader.

I laughed at her words, sure I was the leader when we needed to make hard decisions but when everything was fine, then there was no need for me to lead anything.

-Sure, I am the leader when we have to burn 300 of your warriors alive, or when we have to decide to kill Finn to save him from suffering or try to kill the Commander, or also when we must decide to murder an entire community or let them kill our people. But when my people have to decide things that don't involve murders then I'm just the excuse to prevent a war between my people and yours.

Luna stared at me for a while, leaving me doubting if I should run away from her or wait for her to hug me. Lexa was difficult to read, but Luna? She was a whole new level.

-Lexa told me in one of her letters before the Mountain how the Sky People were so blind to see their true leader and how their true leader undervalued herself.

Anger flashes through my mind when Luna spoke.

-Well, since I think so less of myself, you can now verify that I can't be threatening your Heda.

Luna then chuckled, she actually just laughed at my face after insinuating that I was threatening her Commander.

-You don't need to get all defensive, I just wanted to know how you would react if I tried to prove you didn't love Lexa.

She was just playing with me, I should have known it.

-You are so infuriating Luna, that's the problem with you and your people, you don't fucking know how to be funny without looking like you are going to murder everybody!

Luna still looked amused when she answered me.

-I heard you people open up easier if you work under pressure and it worked. Now I know that you respect Lexa, that you love her. But there is something more important.

Luna paused for a brief moment before continuing.

-You are afraid, you fear you won't be good enough but you are strong, you were born to lead your people even though they can't see it, they will with time nonetheless.

Why everybody speak like if they knew me? I was getting tired of it.

-You don't know me!

-Oh but I know Lexa and she was just like you after Costia's death.

Lexa being like me? I couldn't imagine it.

-But she is so confident, so strong-minded when it comes to lead her people.

-Because she understood she was born for it, but she didn't see it from the beginning, she was a broken girl for a long time until she finally saw she needed to face who she was and act as best as she could to keep everyone save. Leaders and heroes are not made in one day Clare, they need to grow as everyone but you all have a special aura around you, that aura is the one that makes you all different with time, but you have to accept its responsibilities to gain access to its powers.

I let Luna's words to sink in. She was so alike Lexa, Grounders believed firmly in such spiritual things almost as if they believed in magic but instead of making them look like crazy people, those concepts built a deep and mysterious culture.

-And how am I going to accept it?

-Well, you must acknowledge that your life will always be bond to your people but it's not a burden or a punishment even though you may sometimes think it is.

Before I could express my discrepancy with her opinion, Luna stopped me.

-It is a duty, just as the warrior's duty is to fight and protect, as the fisherman's duty is to ensure his or her people have enough food; yours is to lead and guide them.

That was pretty clear and simple, Luna explained me in five minutes the meaning of being a leader and helped me understand that it wasn't something bad.

Suddenly I felt like if a big weight had been removed from my chest.

Luna must see all my thoughts reflected on my face because she looked at me with a smugly look.

-Yes, I know, I'm the best you may want to reconsider your relationship with Lexa, just saying.

And sassy Luna was back, I chuckled.

-Thanks for the offer Luna but I must decline it.

-So you really love her.

-I thought we have already cleared that topic.

-But it is comforting to hear it again, I'm happy for Lexa, she deserves to be happy and you are as stubborn as she is so you will be good for her.

-So… you won't kill me, right?

Luna looked shocked at me and completely lost.

-Why would I want to kill you?

-Well because you are Costia's sister and I thought that you would be angry with me for being with Lexa…

Luna burst out laughing, the stick we were using for practice fell to the ground as she hold her stomach with her arms.

-Sky People are so strange, I don't want to kill you, I just want to get to know you and find the reasons why Lexa is so attached to you. I will only kill you if you try to harm her.

I watched Luna, her unique smile showing she was telling the truth.

-I won't harm her, never, not on purpose.

-I know.

Her smile softened and we stayed silent until Sheidgeda got up and perked her ears. We saw Lincoln showing up from the path I went over before.

-Hi Lincoln.

Lincoln smiled kindly at me and then hugged Luna briefly.

-I couldn't greet you properly last night at the party, it's been a long time Luna.

So these two knew each other, I watched their interaction while they spoke about Luna's clan until they redirected their attention to me.

-Lincoln lived in my village during a period of time and we became friends, but it's strange to see you here in Polis…

Luna left the last words flowing in the air as I saw Lincoln tensing.

-I will explain it to you later Luna, Clarke needs to go see the Elders.

-I understand, don't die of boredom then. Let's go do something fun Sheidgeda.

The panther stood up happily and followed Luna as she moved away from us.

-How was your training with Luna?

I turned my attention to Lincoln who was again smiling softly at me.

-Well at first I thought she wanted to kill me, but we ended having an interesting conversation. She is a wise woman behind all that narcissism and sense of humour.

Lincoln chuckled as we started to walk towards the Elders' meeting.

-You tell me, I had to deal with her presence for almost four years.

Curiosity got the best of me and I couldn't keep myself from asking.

-Which is you story with Luna?

His eyes that normally transmitted calm and peace, sunk into fear and tension.

-She helped me while I was living a dark moment in my life.

-Do you want to tell me?

Lincoln's gaze showed fear, but it also hid a need to share what happened, to bear the weight of the memory with others, to lean on them.

I gave him a small encouraging smile and, after taking a deep breath, he told me his story.

-It was before Lexa became Heda, Polis wasn't a safe place like it is now, there were a lot of bad people trying to control the city but it was the great capital, everybody wanted to come here. My parents thought the same so we came here with my sister, we were both too young to see the dangers that coexist with Polis so one day my sister and I decided to go investigate the streets of the city but some burglars tried to steal from us, they were so stupid and unprofessional… They ended up killing my sister.

Lincoln took a short pause to recover and continued, my heart aching as I saw him recalling his past.

-My parents blamed me for taking her out without their permission. I hated Polis and as soon as I could I went away, leaving my parents. Luna found me near her territory, she was an annoying kid but she convinced her parents to let me live with them.

Sadness enveloped the air around us. Lincoln had suffered so much but he, like Lexa, had become such a strong good man capable of loving after all that happened.

I remembered the time when Octavia told Lexa and I she argued with Lincoln about going to Polis and everything made sense.

-That's why you didn't want Octavia to go to Polis…

Lincoln looked shocked at me.

-It is stupid I know, Polis has changed and Octavia is more than capable of protecting herself but my brain brought back the memories and I got scared.

I pated his back softly.

-It's not stupid, it's human and Octavia should feel grateful of having somebody who cares for her.

-I can assure you I am the lucky one.

Intuitively I moved closer to Lincoln and hugged him, his arms enveloping me automatically.

-Don't you ever leave her.

Lincoln tightened the embrace before he whispered.

-Never.

-I really envy you and Lexa, no matter how many times you fell, you two always stand up and get stronger and better.

_-Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim._

-What does that mean?

-Get knocked down, get back up. You may not see this yet, but you are a stronger woman too Clarke.

I closed my eyes and smiled while we stayed in silence.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw a confused Lexa looking at us probably debating if she should interrupt us or not.

-Lexa? I thought we were going to meet at the Elders' place, house, whatever they are.

-Some of them have important matters to attempt to so they postponed the reunion, we will meet them in the afternoon.

Lincoln loosed his grip and turned so she could face Lexa.

-I will go find Octavia then, I wanted to show her around the city. Later at night we should begin your mental training if you want to.

-I don't want to but I have to so, see you later Lincoln, enjoy your date.

What I saw next was unbelievable, Lincoln's lips transformed into a sly smile.

-Enjoy yours too Clarke.

Lincoln winked and started to walk through one of the streets, his figure disappearing.

I went to Lexa and grabbed her shoulders with my hands, alarmed.

-Did you see that? He just winked, he never wink! We must get him away from Octavia, she is perverting him, he will turn into her in no time.

Lexa chuckled, watching her smile and laugh so much was still a strange sight but not unpleasant at all.

-These things always happen when you spend your time with a person, their habits and manners end rubbing off.

-Be careful then, Commander, or you may laugh in public someday.

Lexa blushed and tried to change the topic and she succeeded when she mentioned the boat trip.

-Do you want to go on that boat trip now?

My eyes lit up and I started to jump slightly.

-Yes yes, let's go, let's go!

-You are too active, did you even train today?

-Of course I trained, I will tell you later, now we must go to get that boat.

We began to walk to the harbour. People looked at us, their expressions were a mixture of surprise, confusion, acceptance and rejection, but nobody conveyed their opinion, they only greeted Lexa and some of them greeted me too.

Once we reached the harbour, Lexa got closer to a young man who was ordering some fishing tools.

_-Heya, Stein. (Hello, Stein)_

_-Heda em ste an honor. (Heda it is an honour)_

_-Ai gaf a floudon in. (I request a boat)_

_-Sha Heda. (Yes Commander)_

_-Mochof. (Thank you)_

I guessed Lexa was asking for a boat so I followed her while the man supervised some boats until he stopped in front of one of them.

_-Teik disha won. (Take this one)_

Lexa nodded and the man went back to his tasks, not without giving me beforehand a small smile.

We sailed not to farm from Polis, the sun warming us. I took in the sight before me, the sea grows without limit almost getting mixed with the blue sky.

Once Lexa stopped the boat, I immersed my hands to draw some water between them.

-This water is different from the river's water, it feel a little sticky.

It also smell like fish and I wondered if sea water tasted differently too.

-It is salt water, I would not drink it if I were you.

Lexa warned me from the opposite side of the boat, but it was too late, I already had swallowed some of the water and I regretted my decision instantly.

-What the fuck, this tastes terrible!

I coughed, trying to erase the horrible flavour from my mouth, while I moved away from the water.

-Drink this, _goufa._

After drinking the water Lexa offered me, I looked at her annoyed.

-I may not know a lot of your language, but you definitely just called me a child!

My commentary got another smile from Lexa who just began to get food out of a basket.

-I warned you but your curiosity took the best of you making you act like a reckless child.

I huffed and knitted my brows showing my disconformity. However, Lexa's smiled didn't disappeared, she just got closer and kissed my forehead, my nose and finally my lips, breaking my mood and making me smile too.

I helped her getting the food ready and we ate talking about our day, exchanging laughs and kisses.

Once we finished, Lexa lie down and I followed her actions, my head resting on her chest and my left arm surrounding her waist. Lexa moved her left arm underneath me and hugged me.

-I'm scared.

Lexa pulled me closer to her chest.

-I know, but you are not alone, we will help you and today is not so important, your petition will be approved.

-How can you be so sure?

-Titus is part of them, he will defend your petition. He is the Elder I talked about when we saved Kira.

-Why? I don't know him and he doesn't know me neither.

-Because I trust him and what it is more important, he trusts me and believe in my wisdom to make choices. If I chose you, he will know I have the right reasons to do so.

**

XXX

**

The Elders' place was located on the outskirts of Polis, a huge pyramid raised from the trees of a small forest.

I walked beside Lexa until we arrived at the entry, a bald man was waiting there, accompanied by two guards.

His posture transmitted serenity and respect, I knew this man was Titus right away. This was the man who helped her and Kira.

-I had been informed about the proposition for a link between us and Skaikru but I was hoping I heard from you earlier.

The man said with a deep voice, Lexa shifted uncomfortably.

-I've been busy, my apologies Titus.

Titus just looked serious.

-This must be Clarke.

-Sha.

Titus inspected me, his eyes studying me but looking for something deeper inside me. When he finished searching, he spoke to me.

-Shall we begin the reunion?

Titus looked at me waiting for my answer.

-Yes, I'm ready.

Titus nodded.

-Do not worry, it won't take long. We just need to hear your reasons and your dedication to the trial.

-Can Lexa, I mean, the Commander come along with us?

Titus stared at Lexa, his mind working on something.

-Heda can come with you Clarke kom Skaikru.

A great part of my worries disappeared with Titus words.

-Mochof Titus.

He nodded pleased with my answer and entered the hall, Lexa I and followed behind him.

_Ready or not, here I come._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my point of view the show ruined Titus so I'm going to turn him into the good man I thought he was in the beginning of season 3.
> 
> See you next time!


	29. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking sooo long :'(
> 
> Life has been, let's call it "funny", however I will be focused on writing the fanfic and translating it so you don't have to wait so long for the next update :)
> 
> Title from Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

Titus guided us through a large hall. Lexa walked by my side, keeping a little distance from me, his hand touching mine occasionally, creating a small bubble of comfort in the cold atmosphere that was present in that place.

When we finally reached the end of the hall, the gate guarding the entrance to the next room began to open, leading to a huge circular room. At the end of it there were 8 seats, 7 of them already occupied, 4 of them by women.

Titus went to the throne located in the centre, Lexa saw how lost I was so, with a small gesture of her head, she indicated that I should pay my respects to the Elders.

I gathered all the courage I had left and, after breathing deeply, greeted them with a little bow.

-You must be Clarke from the Sky People.

-Yes, it's an honour to meet you all.

-The honour should be ours, a large number of achievements precedes you, matched by the same number of sacrifices.

Titus responded with an expression full of understanding and respect, then laid his eyes on Lexa.

-Heda.

Lexa answered with one of her characteristic head movements.

-I will accompany Clarke through this meeting.

-All right, let's start then. I guess you have already been told what being a link means.

-Yes.

-You should also know that a long time has passed since anyone has become a link. Since Heda joined all the clans, there has been no need because we all belong to the same group. Throughout our history however, there have been a certain number of links, people who chose to confront these tests with the purpose to protect and monitor two villages when they did not reach any agreement. Links are not the leaders of both groups, they are not superior beings, and people must never follow them like if they were kings. Links are the advisers of both groups, they are responsible of making both groups unite into one, to advise without conditions, they do not belong to one, but to both groups.

Titus made a short pause and then continued with his explanation.

-Your duty as a link between the 12 Clans and the Sky People is the greatest of all. You would seek the acceptance of a large number of people, you must make them see that both sides can coexist together despite the past differences and conflicts.

Those were a lot of duties and tasks, too much responsibility ... But I knew I had to face the current situation and try to change our world for the better.

-I know what comes with being the link between the two groups, and I also know that to join both parties, I must act as an intermediary between them. Too much blood has been spilled already, and I will not let it happen again if I can.

The elders watched me for a short moment then look to each other, and then Titus looked at me:

-¿Are those the only reasons that drive you to do this test?

They knew it? Did they know that the main reason was actually to be with Lexa without anyone, especially her father, criticizing that we don't belong to the same world? Surely if all the one who attended the party heard our discussion, the news had probably been spread all around Polis…

I looked at Lexa upset and scared. She kept her rigid facade but her eyes reflected my own feelings. But I couldn't be a coward again, not anymore.

-I want to be with Lexa without being bothered by people who criticize us for being different, I want our relationship to be as valid as I hope the union of the Sky People and 12 clans will be in the future.

When I finished I took a big breath of air, Lexa looked at me completely puzzled, the Elders had different reactions reflected in their faces, surprise, indignation, disbelief, respect. Titus looked at me with a small smile on his face as the rest of elders murmured.

-I see you do not lack courage, Clarke from the Sky People.

A small woman commented, and a man on the other corner replied:

-¡And no shame!

-Oh please Altram, stop being so short-sighted and evolve a bit.

-Well excuse me Noa for not trusting a little girl who has appeared from nowhere.

-You know perfectly well what this little girl has achieved Altram.

Another one of the Elders answered.

-Silence!

Titus brought order to the small fight, Lexa seemed to be enjoying it, surely she faced this situation whenever she visited them.

-Your Reasons seem sincere and noble, I think I speak for most of the Elders when I say you are fit to face the trials.

Altram made a disappointed grimace while the woman called Noa and the other man were smiling pleased, the rest of the Elders simply nodded.

-Within two weeks, we will test you.

And with those final words and a hand gesture, Titus dismissed us.

Lexa moved closer to me and whispered.

-Keep your head up until we are out of the building, show them you are not afraid, I am with you, let's go.

Once we were finally outside all the weight of the conversation I just had, started to sink in and I started to panic at the same time.

-Can I hug you now?

Lexa didn't answered, she hugged me instead and I buried my face on her neck.

-You were very brave, I'm so proud of you Clarke.

Her warmth calmed my nerves instantly and I relaxed just following her breathing and focusing on the small random patterns she was drawing with her fingers on my back.

-Look at them being gross in public.

-Octavia stop.

As I heard Octavia and Lincoln I jumped away from Lexa who put her Commander mask at lightning speed.

-How did it go?

Luna asked us.

-The Elders have accepted her request, she will face the trials in two weeks.

Lincoln smiled kindly at me while Octavia started to jump slightly and Luna smirked mischievously.

-We are going to have so much fun, Princess.

Luna commented and Lexa looked irritated at her, but Lincoln was the one who answered her commentary.

-Don't be annoying Luna. We have a lot of work ahead, but you will achieve your goal and you will become a link. We will help you, you are not alone.

I smiled at Lincoln and thanked him.

_I am not alone, and I will do this not only to prove my value to the ones who don't believe in me, but also to prove myself that I am worthy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to London for 5 days so I will try to have another update when I return!
> 
> See you next time :3


	30. I'm every woman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi!
> 
> Sorry for not updating sooner but Alycia came to Madrid and I had the chance to meet her! (dies internally)
> 
> Title from I'm every woman by Whitney Houston

**Clarke's POV**

-Are you still in the mood for our first training, Clarke?

I stopped and Lexa looked at me. I was so tired but I needed to go with Lincoln.

-It will be quick and easy, won't it? I mean, it's our first lesson and it's late.

Lincoln smiled at me.

-Yes, we will only talk about the basic training, I really want to explain you a few exercises you need to do daily and the sooner you start them, the easier things will be.

My mouth let a small sigh out and I turned to look at Lexa. We were in the middle of one of the main streets from Polis although it was almost empty.

-I guess I will join you later Commander.

Lexa looked at me with a pity face knowing I wasn't liking my choice.

-I will wait for you. But Lincoln don't surpass her limit, she is wounded and she already trained with Luna this morning.

-Of course Heda, I will only explain her how to enter into the void and she will be on your bed in no time.

Lexa looked shocked at Lincoln's words while Octavia started to laugh.

-I can't believe you said that Lincoln, oh my, this was the best thing I have ever witnessed.

I was praying for Lincoln at this point, praying for his pity soul as I watched him trying to explain himself.

-I meant it in a good way, you said Clarke was tired and wounded so she needs rest. _Beja Heda (Please Commander)_ , it wasn't my intention to sound disrespectful to you or Clarke.

Octavia just kept laughing so I hit her on her head pretty hard making her stop laughing and she yelled at me.

-That hurt Clarke!

-You are embarrassing Lincoln, stop being a bad influence for him!

Lexa finally gave Lincoln a crooked smile.

-We are not in public, I am trying to be a closer person to all of you, so don't worry, Clarke convinced me that there is nothing wrong with trusting people.

Lincoln's face lit up immediately.

-I'm honoured, Lexa.

Lexa just gave him another of her characteristic nods.

-I will see you later then Clarke. Lincoln, have a nice night.

-Same to you, -Lincoln turned to Octavia- Octavia we will talk later.

-Yeah, I will walk to the Commander's house with my friend Lexi.

Octavia said while she caught Lexa's arm and started to walk away pulling Lexa with her.

-Octavia wait!

I caught Lexa and gave her a small kiss on her lips.

-See you later, I love you. – I directed a threatening glance at Octavia- Don't you dare to bother Lexa.

**Lexa's POV**

-What do you think about Polis?

We were walking through Polis, the streets were silent, most of the citizens where tidying up their stands to go back to their homes.

-It's so different from TonDC or the Ark, it is so alive, such a beautiful city with its houses, its different levels, its port. Oh oh! And it is so awesome that it is inside a mountain, how could you build all this without demolishing the mountain?

Octavia was excited and I couldn't help to smile, it was nice to see her so happy and in high spirits.

-My ancestors found this mountain after the nuclear war. This was probably a big warehouse or something related with it. It was a strategic place, well-fortified and it is very easy to defend, so they decided to build the main city here, the Polis.

Octavia listened to me intensely.

-People started to build their houses following the slope. The other smaller rooms of the warehouse were transformed into training or farming fields.

-You would probably have taken better care of the Ark than us.

I chuckled softly and I answered her.

-I don't know, I still don't understand those devices you use to talk to people at your camp.

-But you built a whole city working together while we practically destroyed the Ark because we were too selfish

-I know, but we have also had wars and conflicts, very serious some of them.

-They were all waiting for you then, I still can't accept that you created this huge Alliance between all the clans.

-Don't flatter me too much Octavia, most of these people already lived in peace and united, I just made everything official so the next generations could live without having to worry about other clans or their territories. I took charge of the people who thought that death and abuse were right.

-Still you did an amazing thing, I totally misjudged you but I'm glad that I have had the chance to know you.

Octavia smiled shyly at me before realizing we had stopped moving and resumed our walk home.

-I have change a lot since you, Sky People, came down to earth.

-Don't try to conceal your true feelings Commander, you have changed thanks to Clarke.

I coughed awkwardly, still trying to get used to people talking about my feelings.

-It is true, Clarke has been the main reason but all of you have taught me new things and principles.

-We have also learned useful things from you and your people. I really hope Clarke manages to become the Link so we can at last reach a union.

Octavia spoke the last part concerned, her voice showing the care she felt for Clarke.

I held her shoulder briefly.

-I am sure she will make it Octavia, I have no doubt about her willpower.

-I'm really happy for Clarke, you know, we had been pushing her so much, blaming her when all she had done had been for us, and you saw that from the beginning. You always support her, and thanks to that, she realized she deserves happiness and she is a really good friend.

-She just needed a little help, I'm glad she started to discover she is not the monster she thought she was.

As I finished talking, we reached the house.

-I liked this little conversation we had, we should totally repeat it Lexa.

-I would like that too Octavia, good night.

-Good night.

We shook hands and entered the house, both of us taking different paths to our respective rooms.

When I entered mine, I looked around the room, my eyes stopping at the bookshelves.

-I guess I will have to spend my time doing something until Clarke comes back.

**Clarke's POV**

We were in a small room with a lot of candles and two cushions.

-This little room is kind of cosy.

-It was made to transmit serenity so the meditation could be developed more fluently.

-Explain to me this meditation we are going to do.

-In our culture, the healers, spiritual guides or Hedas learn to enter the void, a place in our minds where we can find advice, peace or answers to our personal dilemmas.

My curiosity woke up at Lincoln's words.

-And how do you enter this place?

Lincoln stared at me for a while, his eyes showing all his doubts about sharing this topic with me.

-We use a drink we prepare mixing some plants and spices with water.

Now I understood his doubts, they used some kind of drug to go into a dreaming state?

-Are you telling me you guys go and get high to "speak" with other people in your minds?

I couldn't believe Lexa did those things, what if it causes addiction?

Lincoln answered me clearly annoyed at my assumptions.

-It is not a drug. I don't feel the same way as when I needed the red, Clarke.

-I forgot, my bad, sorry Lincoln.

Stupid commentary, of course it couldn't be a drug, Lincoln was really affected by the drug they used to turn him into a reaper. I should have guessed he wouldn't use a drug like the red, nor anybody, no Lexa.

-No offense taken Clarke. I know it can be difficult for you, we have different cultures. But I can assure you, we do not use drugs, this drink won't do you any harm. Its only purpose is to let your mind travel to the void, where you will be put to the test by the Elders.

-So, does that mean other people can enter your mind?

-Almost, they can't enter your mind, but you will be in the void with other people that are or were there.

A person in particular came to my mind.

-Can Lexa communicate with Costia in the void?

Lincoln looked surprises at me for a moment before he recovered his composure.

-I guess, yes, Costia was her spiritual guide, she was the one who monitored her entries into the void and watched for dangers every time Lexa travelled to the void so her spirit can be found in the void if they have a bond, something they surely have.

Maybe I should have felt jealous, but the only thing I felt was relief, because Lexa hadn't been alone after all.

-But only people that have entered the void before their death can stay there after they die, am I right?

Lincoln nodded.

-Yes, you won't find people that had never entered the void.

-I think I get it… So now you are going to show me how to enter there with the drink.

-Yes, I will teach you how to make the drink and how to enter. Lexa also knows how to enter so if you have any questions and I am not near you, Lexa will answer them.

-Let's begin then, I'm dying to go to sleep.

Lincoln chuckled.

-Me too, I'm going to teach you how to enter, then I will write you all the things you need to make the drink and then we could bring our lesson to an end.

-Perfect.

Lincoln sat down and I followed his action with the other cushion. There was a small teapot with two cups between us, he took the teapot and filled the two cups.

-You will take it first, I will guide you through the process and then I will join you in the void.

I took my cup and smelled it, it had a sweet scent but it was nice, it was relaxing. With a deep intake of air, I drank its contents and waited for Lincoln to speak.

-Okay, close your eyes and take deep breathes, you must concentrate in the small light that will appear, tell me when you see it.

I listened to Lincoln's guideline and when I saw the small green light I warned Lincoln.

-I see it.

-Nice, now think of a word that reminds you of your light and say it out loud.

After a moment I got my answer.

-Forest.

As I said the word, the light grew brighter and when it disappeared I found myself in the middle of a lush forest.

I looked around, the air felt so real, the grass and the trees were so alive, I had to remind myself this wasn't real.

Lincoln appeared by my side no long after my entry.

-It is a beautiful place Clarke, you did great.

-Wait, if this is my own void how can you enter and how is yours?

-Easy Clarke, as I told you before the void is shared by all, but we have our own way to materialize it. To jump between the different materializations is something I will teach you but not today. We are going to explore a little and then we are going back.

Making a sad face I nodded and we walked through the forest for half an hour more or less, I didn't know how time passed there.

-You are balanced and there is not sign of any conflict between your mind and the void, we can go back, time doesn't go by slower here.

-Hey, I was asking myself if time was the same as in earth, you can't read my mind, right?

-No I can't, don't worry, all your secrets are safe here.

Lincoln took my hand and we stopped.

-Let's go back. The only thing you have to do is visualise the room where we were and say the name of one of the objects that were there.

-Okay…-I thought about the room and called one of the objects- Candles.

I opened my eyes and Lincoln welcomed me with one of his reassuring smiles.

-There you are, everything went well, I will give you the ingredient list and we can go to sleep.

-Finally! It's not that you are boring or anything but I'm tired, so so tired.

I said making a small grimace.

-Whiner.

Answered Lincoln, giving me a piece of paper.

We stood up and exited one of the void rooms of the temple. We said goodbye to the guards and walked to Lexa's house.

**xxx**

After a comfortable silent walk, Lincoln and I bid farewell and I went to Lexa's room, our room. When I opened the door, Lexa raised her eyes from the book she was reading and left the bed to greet me with a hug.

-How was your first lesson?

-It was nice, at first I thought you were all crazy addicts but the void is such an interesting place, you and your culture taught me once more that spirits are not as surreal as I thought they were.

I finished yawning and leaning into Lexa's body.

-I'm glad it went well, let's get you into more comfortable clothes to sleep.

Lexa helped me to change and we finally laid on bed, Lexa holding me from behind, her warmth transmitting me the calm and safety I needed.

When I was finally falling asleep, I asked Lexa the question that had been invading my mind since I entered the void.

-What is it the word you use to enter the void?

I could feel Lexa holding me closer to her body.

-Sky, I see a blue light that reminds me of the sky. Yours?

-Forest, I see a green light and I can only think about a forest.-

Smiling, we both fell asleep thinking about the blue sky and the green forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it and the void didn't sound so crazy :D

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it and don't hate me too much :3


End file.
